detection

STHWG, HMG and I were discussing this afternoon the expense of raising trained animals sparked by the doggy armour post. He suggested that airports should, instead of spending vast sums of money on dogs, hire chavvy drug addicts.

Imagine the scene. Passengers' luggage laid out in long rows on the floor of a hanger. Armed guards patrol the perimeter. Four Burberry capped, shell suited young men are brought into the controlled area. They wander quietly among the suitcases until one of them stops and sniffs the air.

He steps backwards and sniffs again, scratching his balls to circulate the blood in his brain, and then he yells at full volume "TWO'S UP", followed swiftly by "INNIT! INNIT! INNIT!". Chavs have an almost legendary ability to home in on concealed drugs that belong to others and firmly believe in the commandment of sharesies. The other three members of the search team all scramble to investigate with a speed usually associated with cheetahs until the realisation of loss of 'cool' sets in. They saunter the remaining distance with an assumed air of nonchalance muttering "Do I look bovvered" until they converge on the drug find.

At this point the head chav, the 'Dinlo', swiftly asserts his authority on the situation and the others. The 'Bruvs', gather round to bask in the reflected glory of the success jostling for position within the grouping. They congratulate each other in a language impenetrable to anyone over the age of 25, a patois that evolves so swiftly that sometimes even the chavs have no idea what they are saying.

Once the initial euphoria has subsided, the Customs Officers can approach open the suspect suitcase and perform a thorough investigation. A successful identification leads to a reward for the Search-chavs with the stash being split 10% chav : 90% HMRC. This pragmatic approach cuts out the profits for drug dealers in the neighbourhoods where the chavs live and will, it is hoped, eventually reduce overall crime levels.

The idea has many merits as STHWG is quick to point out. Chavs are cheaper to train and more plentiful than dogs. Utilising chavs will reduce unemployment, cut anti-social behaviour in town centres and stop them terrorising granny when she goes to the post office.


No chavs were hurt during this conversation