exclusive interview

Gordon Brown, in an exclusive interview with one of the few remaining Labour supporting media platforms, today spells out why voting for the Conservatives would be bad. "The Tories" he said "want to undo all of the work that I have achieved over the last 12 years. They think that being up to my eyeball in debt is somehow a bad thing and they would take steps to try to balance the budget. Any left thinking person knows how disastrous this course of action would be."

We were delighted to be invited to Gordon's third home for this exclusive interview. He took the time to come down from the lectern and speak to each one of us personally before pressing ahead with the interview.

"This isn't about economic rights or wrongs" he continued "this is about making sure that you, the little people, understand that borrowing is a good thing and the nasty Tories would try to make you repay all the money that I've persuaded people have lent you. Without me throwing your money away on endless vanity projects you'd not be in the position of financial strength that you are today."

"The Tories would not have created the endless unnecessary jobs that I have. They would in fact reduce the size and cost of the public sector. That would not be fair for those individuals." he said. "And I believe that fairness is important. Without fairness some people might actually better themselves, leaving the others behind, and we can't allow that to happen."

"After 3 successive Labour governments running the country people just aren't equipped with the skills and resolve they would need to make decisions for themselves. The youth are especially vulnerable to this malaise as they've never known any different. How would they cope without a paternalistic dictatorship to guide their thoughts?"

"Lets move onto the NHS. This government has guaranteed an 18 week wait before you get your NHS treatment. The Tories refuse to promise to keep waiting times that high. The negotiations by my Health Minister that lead to a doubling of GP salaries while cutting the opening hours of surgeries cannot be matched by the Tories. Why won't they make a manifesto pledge to do something as radical?"

This last pronouncement drew rapturous applause from the photographer and she was so overcome with excitement that she had a heart attack. Luckily she has only another 17 weeks to wait before her treatment. In a gesture of supreme magnanimity Gordon has allowed her to stay in his shed office until then.