you couldn't make it up

VICAR Tim Jones has sparked an unholy row — after using his Christmas sermon to advise people to shoplift. Delivering his festive lesson the clergyman said: "My advice, as a Christian priest, is to shoplift.

"I do not offer such advice because I think that stealing is a good thing, or because I think it is harmless, for it is neither.

"I would ask that they do not steal from small family businesses, but from large national businesses, knowing that the costs are ultimately passed on to the rest of us in the form of higher prices.

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Apparently on Christmas Day the Bishop of Bath and Wells is going to describe infant cannibalism as being 'acceptable in the eyes of god'