detection

STHWG, HMG and I were discussing this afternoon the expense of raising trained animals sparked by the doggy armour post. He suggested that airports should, instead of spending vast sums of money on dogs, hire chavvy drug addicts.

Imagine the scene. Passengers' luggage laid out in long rows on the floor of a hanger. Armed guards patrol the perimeter. Four Burberry capped, shell suited young men are brought into the controlled area. They wander quietly among the suitcases until one of them stops and sniffs the air.

He steps backwards and sniffs again, scratching his balls to circulate the blood in his brain, and then he yells at full volume "TWO'S UP", followed swiftly by "INNIT! INNIT! INNIT!". Chavs have an almost legendary ability to home in on concealed drugs that belong to others and firmly believe in the commandment of sharesies. The other three members of the search team all scramble to investigate with a speed usually associated with cheetahs until the realisation of loss of 'cool' sets in. They saunter the remaining distance with an assumed air of nonchalance muttering "Do I look bovvered" until they converge on the drug find.

At this point the head chav, the 'Dinlo', swiftly asserts his authority on the situation and the others. The 'Bruvs', gather round to bask in the reflected glory of the success jostling for position within the grouping. They congratulate each other in a language impenetrable to anyone over the age of 25, a patois that evolves so swiftly that sometimes even the chavs have no idea what they are saying.

Once the initial euphoria has subsided, the Customs Officers can approach open the suspect suitcase and perform a thorough investigation. A successful identification leads to a reward for the Search-chavs with the stash being split 10% chav : 90% HMRC. This pragmatic approach cuts out the profits for drug dealers in the neighbourhoods where the chavs live and will, it is hoped, eventually reduce overall crime levels.

The idea has many merits as STHWG is quick to point out. Chavs are cheaper to train and more plentiful than dogs. Utilising chavs will reduce unemployment, cut anti-social behaviour in town centres and stop them terrorising granny when she goes to the post office.


No chavs were hurt during this conversation

directgov

The government is launching a £1 million pound search to find the nations 'official' pet, 'official' landmark and 'official' sweetheart. Once the votes have been counted and verified all the unofficial landmarks will be demolished, the pets destroyed and sweethearts will be removed from their pedestals.

Rumours that @TrouserQuandary is eligible for all 3 categories remain unconfirmed at this time.

digital tv

The Argus reports

Thousands of people across Sussex could have problems with their Digital TV signals because of the predicted bad weather.

Unlike traditional analogue pictures, which deteriorate in quality and become snowy when the weather is bad, digital pictures can break-up or simply disappear if weak signals are disrupted by poor weather.

I remember asking Twitter if anyone else was experiencing a loss of picture quality when the first snow arrived this year and it seems that I'm not alone.

Yaaay progress!

rail

Compare the following reports about the same story for a moment. Firstly the Dept of Transport press release

The majority of commuters will benefit from cheaper tickets from Saturday as most regulated rail fares drop in price.

The majority of rail journey fares are regulated by the Government. Increases to most fares are capped at 1% above inflation with the changes implemented in January, based on the previous July's RPI figure. Last July's RPI figure was -1.4%, so most regulated fares will now fall.

In August the Government also announced it had taken away the flexibility for operators to raise individual regulated fares by up to 5% above the national fare change, protecting passengers from unduly steep rises in future regulated fares.

And now the same story covered by the Guardian

Most rail passengers can look forward to a small one-off drop in fares in 2010 because of the low inflation rate, figures showed today.

Although some mainline passengers will face fare increases of up to 15% when new ticket prices apply from tomorrow, many will see fares fall by 0.4% because the annual rise for regulated fares, which include season tickets, is linked to the rate of inflation.

Virgin Trains is increasing its unregulated fares by an average of 2.8%, while ScotRail's rise is 3%.

"Turn up and go" fares on services run by the Southern train company will increase by 4%, and Southeastern passengers will see some unregulated fares rise by 7.3% and others by 2.8%.

A number of companies – including National Express East Anglia, First Capital Connect, TransPennine Express and Merseyrail – have frozen their unregulated fares.

The Association of Rail Operating Companies (Atoc) said fares would rise by an average of 1.1% in January.

I wonder why the Dept of Transport press release missed out that last statistic?

countdown

Trouble flared in the BBC canteen earlier today between the Newsnight and Breakfast teams over what to call next year. The Newsnight Crew are adamant that the correct pronunciation should be "Twenty Ten" while the Breakfast Posse are claiming that "Two Thousand and Ten" is the only sensible option. Senior BBC mandarins have called in negotiators to try to resolve the dispute before midnight.

Tensions between the two departments have been high since the tsunami event 5 years ago when there was disagreement then how to pronounce the name of the town Phuket. Against all the odds the Newsnight Crew's "foo-kay" won out over the more accurate "fuck-it" that was endorsed by the Breakfast Posse.

Bill Turnbull, a prominent figure in the BP, spoke briefly to reporters through the serving hatch. "We won't back down for three reasons. Firstly we are correct, secondly we have more Strictly Come Dancing winners on our team, and thirdly we want to wipe that smug expression off Paxman's face."

Sonali Gudka from the CBBC Collective claimed that they had given up their support of "Two-Oh-One-Oh" and would be prepared to work with whichever variation is decided on.

dynamic

In a press release today Pat McFadden, Stephen Timms and John Denham jointly announced the newly created Dynamic Response Team. The government has pledged funding of £70 million for the first year of DRT activity.

"This brilliant initiative" said McFadden "will put and end to leaden interviews with senior government ministers."

"That's right!" chipped in Timms "The DRT will be on call 24/7 to help spice up the most mundane pronouncements .. .. "

"so the dull, lifeless soundbite will be a thing of the past" finished Denham.

Seventeen highly-trained specialist officers will be made available to Number 10 Downing Street in an attempt to help fight off rumours that Gordon Brown is, in fact, an android. Other government departments will also have their own permanently stationed DRT officer to assist ministers in producing the right responses.

"The thing is" started Timms "that people are getting bored of deadpan monotone .. .."

"delivery on their television and radio" continued McFadden "but the DRT will help all of us to find .. .. "

"new and exciting ways of getting our positive message across!" ended Denham

doggy armour

American company K9 Storm, supplier of specialist canine products to the US military, has expanded their operations into the UK this week after reports that gun crime is not decreasing. Demand for these products have been growing as worried owners of pedigree pooches feel that their fears for the safety of their "best friend" are not taken seriously enough by British law enforcement officers.

"With the spread of American style crack houses" said a spokesman yesterday "the level of violence that your average dog can be subjected to while out for their twice daily walk is increasing. We provide a variety of protective devices to reduce the risk of anything bad happening during that together time."

With the opening of the UK civilian arm of the operation a variety of bespoke designs of canine protective clothing have become available. Entry level garments are stab proof while the De-luxe Apparel range uses cutting edge fabric technology that can stop armour piercing rounds and smart helmets (as seen on our model above) that include GPS tracking, nightvision and a patented buried marrow location device.

books

There were controversial scenes today at the press conference to launch the latest government initiative to provide books for children. Schools Ministers Ed Balls and Ian Wright were describing the government's latest plan to distribute books to schools to a select group of friendly journalists when the incident occurred.

"Instead of just sending the books to each school" said Mr Balls "what we plan to do is divide the books up and send them directly to the pupils. Every single registered student in the country will receive 20 pages from a novel, unless they are getting free meals in which case they will get 35 pages."

"This inspired approach will not only improve the reading skills of the younger generation but it will also foster a strong spirit of collectivism. It is only when they come together as a group, rather than attempting to strike out on their own, that the full joy of the literature is revealed."

The meeting was interrupted at this point by a group of parents from one of the trial areas. Home schooling parent Mr Aadams shouted down the minister claiming that all his son Aaron ever received through the scheme was the front cover, the copyright page, the index, and the first two pages of chapter one.

Harold Rubins, headmaster of Danny Fisher Secondary School, also made claims that books had been deliberately censored during distribution. "Take the classic book The Carpetbaggers" he said. "All of the erotic scenes have been removed which distorts the flow of the narrative."

The ministers both strongly denied any wrongdoing and refused to comment on individual cases at this time. They agreed that a House of Commons committee should be set up to oversee an investigation into the claims.

cows / road

Dear NewsQuest Media Group,

After I was held up on my journey to work this morning I looked at your online content to see if there was any information as to why the A23 was at a near standstill this morning. Your article First the snow, then the ice, now the cows was very informative and provided the information I was seeking.

I just think the headline lacks something though. It has no sparkle, no pizazz; it doesn't draw the reader into the article. I've taken the liberty of writing a few headlines for you that you may, on this occasion, use totally free of charge to replace the existing effort.

"Cows cause com-moo-ter chaos"

"Cows create car-nage"

Should you wish me to write further headlines on your behalf I'm sure that you will find my freelance charges very reasonable.


Yours in good faith

manwiddicombe

bad morning at the office?

From here although they'll probably have updated it soon.

concern

Fears are growing over the wellbeing of Alcohol Concern's chief executive Don Shenker this morning as the BBC publish two stories calling for tougher alcohol controls and he hasn't been quoted in either of them. Neither the call for minimum pricing and the underage drinking scare include the traditional quotes from the leader of the fakecharity.

A spokesperson from the Ministry of Media Encouragement spoke to us earlier to deny the unsubstantiated claim we made that a rift had formed between Mr Shenker and the government. "At this point any suggestion that there is a rift between us is just wild speculation" said the spokesperson.

"We decided that the BBC would publish the articles without quotes from Alcohol Concern because Don is on holiday and we didn't think he would appreciate being disturbed. He will return to action early in the new year with a renewed vigour and conviction. He still has our complete support."

It has been reported that Jack Law, the head of Alcohol Focus Scotland, and Sarah Matthews from the British Liver Trust are incensed that they weren't asked to provide quotes for the pieces. One source said "Privately Jack felt that this was a golden opportunity to step out of Don's shadow and create some mild panic on his own, with a view to becoming the primary source of quotes once Don moves on to bigger and better things. He's gutted that he wasn't given the chance but he realises that he's got to work harder so that he's more ready next time."

stressline

Managers and staff of the newly launched NHS Stressline, a service that offers support to people with debt or other emotional worries, have already requested that one individual be barred from calling them. They have reported that even before the service went live one individual has called them every single day at least once per hour.

"He calls himself James Brown" said one advisor who wishes to remain nameless "and repeatedly worries about spending more than his income. He's worried about being evicted from his homes as his debts continue to rise."

"We all think he's living in a dreamworld because his solution to his debt is to spend more. If we suggest he should keep his spending within his income the line goes dead and then we can't call him back. It's weird, as if the handset dies when we suggest that."

The head of the service had this message "James Brown, you are obviously a very troubled man but we would respectfully ask you to stop calling us as you are preventing other people from accessing the service. You should go to visit your GP who can arrange counselling for you, or maybe even medication if that is required, without the frailties of telecommunication equipment interrupting the conversation."

copyright

It seems that legal action is imminent after a press release made by a minister from the department of work and pensions on their website yesterday. In it the minister suggested that people who were struggling to find work in their local area should sit astride their two wheeled leg powered environmentally friendly transportation devices and temporarily focus their efforts in slightly less local areas in the hope of securing gainful employment.

Mr Meanour representing Jackboots, Knuckles and Cane, the firm of solicitors that has served the Tebbit family interests for generations spoke exclusively to the gathered media today. "My client asserts that his whole political life has been distilled into one badly misquoted soundbite" he said. "This attempt to somehow undermine his long and distinguished career by blatantly infringing my client's copyright, to financially disadvantage him through that action, is not taken lightly. We will be seeking redress through the courts at the earliest possible occasion."

When asked what level of damages would be sought Mr Meanour continued "Given that the infringement occurred in an electronic format we will be seeking reparation under the Digital Britain legislation. We will be asking the courts to disconnect the offender from the internet for a minimum of 12 months and also make a substantial pecuniary award in our client's favour. Internet piracy is a serious criminal offence. I have nothing further to add at this time."

A spokesperson for the department said "We have convened a committee to investigate whether or not this was caused by hackers posing as ministers. It would be wrong to comment further until that investigation is complete."

tv guide

I wonder if Jan Moir will be watching?


Thanks to @andy_lamb for the spot.

e-petition (8)

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Prosecute all prostitutes selling sex.

Pass a law to prosecute all prostitutes selling illegal sex as we do people selling illegal drugs. These prostitutes spread diseases and lure decent citizens with their provocative dress and offers of paid for sex. Kerb crawlers are only there because the prostitutes are.

Submitted by Alan Davies.

If only that's the same Alan Davies that appears on QI then there would surely be some imminent tabloid gossip about to make us draw a collective breath .. .. ..

election ad campaign - those that don't

election ad campaign - those that do

celebrity endorsement

How long before this kind of thing appears on billboards around the country?

14 months

I've heard Alan Johnson on 3 different BBC shows this morning repeating the claim, over and over, that the man who tried to set off explosives on a flight to Detroit had not been in the UK for 14 months. I'm not sure why this is so important apart from the "it's not our fault guv" aspect but he's determined to push the point.

fat checking

Tam Fry is in the news again. A few weeks ago, speaking on behalf of the National Obesity Forum, he was calling for extra taxation on fizzy drinks.

Today, as the honorary chairman of the Child Growth Foundation, he is suggesting that a scheme to measure all schoolchildren should be extended to include younger children including those of pre-school age.

debate

What should have been a simple process has descended into a farce with a speed that only lunatics and the exposure hungry can arrange. One media organisation invited 3 people to have a live televised debate about politics in the run up to the general election next year.

One of the three agreed instantly, one agreed as soon as he found out, one dragged his feet refusing to commit either way. Then two more media organisations wanted to show the debate while the three attendees were trying to negotiate for different formats, one on one or group, three debates or six debates, single subject or any subject, know the questions in advance or be surprised by them.

The format was finally thrashed out last week and they all seemed satisfied that their important high level negotiations had been a success. Until today, that is, when the leader of a minority regional party demanded that he be invited, and threatened legal action if he isn't.

Other minority party leaders wait the result of this challenge with baited breath. "If he's pushing in, I'm pushing in" one said on hearing the news of the threat of litigation. "We've not had any success at domestic elections but we've got MEPs. We will also be launching a legal challenge to the format if we aren't invited."

Most neutral observers fear that it may take until 2012 to unravel this tangle of competing claims and counter-claims by which time the debates will be utterly meaningless.

bingo

From the BBC

A bingo caller has been advised to stop using phrases such as "two fat ladies" for fear of offending his audience. John Sayers, who runs charity games in Sudbury, Suffolk, says he was told by a council clerk the traditional bingo call could upset some players. Mr Sayers said no-one had complained before, but now players moaned his new numbers-only style was boring.

A town council spokeswoman said it was "sad" they had to give the advice but they had to be "politically correct".

*face*
*palm*

university funding

David "Danny" Blanchflower has written a piece in the Observer today calling for changes in University funding. If you are rich, he reasons, you should not only fund your own children's degrees but also the degrees of other people's children as well.



All that hard work you did, the long hours, the decisions you took, the sacrifices you made to get ahead, to better yourself and make your kids lives that little bit easier?


Idiot.


David Blanchflower wants you to share your 'reward' with everyone else so they don't feel left out.

puzzle

As is tradition in our house the puzzle came out on the 25th and was completed late on the 26th December. We all chipped in together to get it finished at various times during the day (as you can probably tell from the different light conditions in each of the photos) and the inspiration to keep a photo record of this year's puzzle only came to me during the overnight pitstop. Next year it'll be complete time delay set from start to finish.

sand

An exciting new landfill scheme is being promoted to Liverpool residents. They are being asked to take their festive rubbish to Formby Point, a site of outstanding natural beauty, to dispose of it there. Ecomentalists are hoping that by building up a bank of waste at this beauty spot they can halt a natural erosion process that has been happening since before records began over 100 years ago.

"The rubbish prevents nature from doing it's thing with the sand" said Ms Edith Coloon, the brains behind the project, "and then once we've fucked around for a couple of years playing god we can plant some grass over the top and then pat ourselves on the back for doing such a good job. By linking natural erosion to climate change we qualify for huge government grants which means that we don't have to have real jobs."

A spokesperson for Merseyside council has denied rumours that they will need to cut frontline services to fund the import of sand from other regions to fill the gaps created by this ambitious project.

smoke

Panic broke out on a Christmas Day flight from Amsterdam to Detroit as the flight neared the American airport. Smoke filled the cabin leading to widespread concern among the passengers and crew alike. Quick thinking by the trolley dollies averted a major disaster.

Sindy Easy, the senior flight attendant, spoke to us from the runway. "Just before we began the approach to the airport a plume of smoke was seen coming from the rear of the plane. We investigated and found one of the passengers smoking a hand rolled cigarette. One of my girls took decisive action and negated the hazard with a foam filled extinguisher."

Other passengers from the flight are still in shock. One, who didn't want to be named, said "we were nearly home and this idiot a couple a' rows behind us sparked up a huge doobie. One of the women next to him started screaming that she was getting cancer from it and, well, you've seen what happened."

The police say that their initial investigation into the incident seem to indicate that the pot-head had forgotten that he'd left an ounce of skunk in his bag and was afraid that he'd be arrested at customs. Further studies of the suspected drugs, their strength, quality and taste are ongoing.

hunting

From the BBC

Environment Secretary Hilary Benn is launching a campaign to boost support for the fox hunting ban. Mr Benn is urging people to sign up on a website backing the ban. He claims the Tories plan to make repeal of the Hunting Act "a priority". Party leader David Cameron has promised MPs a free vote on the issue.

A government minister is starting a campaign to combat a belief held by the leader of the opposition party? That doesn't show a great deal of confidence in the result of the upcoming general election. If Mr Benn were confident of election victory then this campaign would not have been launched.

roadshow

The Times reports that the national roadshow to promote the concept of Britishness, set in motion by Gordon Brown, is a total flop but this is denied by those running them. The last paragraph drew my eye

Labour officials denied that the public had snubbed the events. They claimed that 457 of the 500 people invited to the first five events had attended; and 225 of the 240 invited to return for the reconvened events had done so. They insisted that small payments were the norm in research of this kind, to recognise the time and commitment that participants had given.

So, if I've read that correctly, even though people were being paid to attend the roadshow they still didn't turn up? Huge success chaps, huge success.

opening

carol

From Tailgating Ideas via Adur Brewery.



Please enjoy youtube videos responsibly

oldham

In a stunning display of broken logic, usually preserved for the upper echelons of academia, Oldham council is preparing plans for supermarkets to prevent unsupervised children near shelves of cheap alcohol.

The plan follows the recent changes in Scotland which have made no significant difference to levels of anti-social drinking whatsoever but have punished retailers by hitting their bottom line hard. Many other English councils are looking carefully at the idea with the view of implementing draconian new by-laws if they can get away with it.

There has been another reason suggested for the policy. Hiding away the cheap shit makes the more expensive drink relatively easier to steal. If children steal more expensive booze then when they are old enough to purchase it legally they will have a more refined palette and then shy away from the bargain basement piss flavoured drinks usually associated with troublesome behaviour.

Scenes of White Lightning swilling teens will become a distant memory as thieving youths select a cheeky beaujolais to complement their 20 year old single cask malt instead. Probably.

tickets

As you nurse your body through the hangovers of festive excess on Boxing Day spare a brief thought for the Parking Wardens of Brighton and Hove. In a move designed to guarantee festive cheer the council has decreed that there should be no cessation of ticketing, no loss of revenue, even on this Holiday.

It falls to the humble Parking Warden to be the agent of good tidings whether there is rain or snow, sleet or hail, even if the temperature is below freezing. They wander the streets spreading their tickets of joy amongst the miserable motorists without thanks, without appreciation.

Raise a glass to them tomorrow, the brave defenders of bureaucracy, for without them where would we be?

travel

The Commuter and I were in the local last night as is our custom on a Wednesday. We were midway through blatantly disregarding government daily alcohol consumption when he told me of the travel plans of another couple that we know. They had set off earlier that day to drive to relatives, who live somewhere in the Cairngorms, for Christmas. A short journey then, barely 500 miles each way at the time of the worst driving conditions this year, made even more fun by the other passengers in the car - their two young children and dog. Not being a dog lover myself I rely on the information The Commuter supplied that dogs have a tendency to produce toxic farts that, in the confined space of a motor vehicle, can cause eyes to bleed and lungs to collapse.

And the police are advising people not to drive in the area as many roads are closed or dangerous. Which will add even more time to their journey.

We started to wonder about the loading arrangements for their estate car. Without knowing the full detail of their plans we had to make some basic assumptions. 2 adults, 2 children, 1 dog, clothes for all passengers (including extra jumpers for warmth), food supplies (shops likely to be low on food once they arrive), presents for their family and assorted alcoholic beverages to tide them over the festive period. This epic journey was, we reckoned, going to take a long time given that there had been multiple pile ups and crashes on the M23, M25, M1, M6 to name but a few.

Like a traditional puzzle the arrangements fit together until you realise the last piece is the wrong shape and you have to start all over again. The dog would take up half of the boot space, especially on a trek of this magnitude, which then leaves the other half for food, presents, clothes. Except you can't leave the dog with the food, especially if there is a joint of meat there because it will demolish them before the first service station. The Commuter suggested that they might have a roof box but I dismissed this as the couple would never put their dog in one.

The Commuter suggested the dog could go in the middle of the back seat of the car with the lap belt to secure it. I thought it might be happier with a window seat so it can stick it's head into the fresh air and loll it's tongue. The freezing conditions may not actually make that a pleasant canine experience if the drool were to freeze it's tongue to it's cheek.

We never did finish working on our assumptions of their plans as our glasses needed refilling and we lost the train of thought .......

ugly

The Football Association have charged Arsenal and Hull with fielding exceptionally ugly players following the Barclays Premier League clash on December 19. The match officials submitted their report immediately after the final whistle and the FA have promised swift and decisive action.

Both clubs are facing a substantial fine if found guilty of contravening Rule 137a part iii which was introduced after Manchester United tried to play Luke Chadwick, Wayne Rooney, Darren Fletcher and Gary Neville in a Carling Cup replay last season. The injuries among the crowd as they stampeded for the exits as a result of this brazen display of munters forced the FA's hand and the amendment was added to the rules for the start of the 2009 - 10 season.

As the game was scheduled for one of the busiest shopping days of the year very few people witnessed this diabolical circus. Had the fixture been played on the first day of the season then the damage could have been far greater. It is believed that this mitigating factor might lead to a more lenient punishment for Arsenal although Hull, as a repeat offender, are looking at severe sanctions.

At a press conference earlier this week the Arsenal manager refused to comment on the incident other than to say that he didn't have a clear view from his position in the dugout but he would review the tapes as soon as possible.

We are looking for people who have been affected by football mingers to join the audience of a live debate early in the new year. If you, or someone you know, has been either mentally or physically damaged by a butt ugly professional sportsperson then contact our enquiries desk for more information.

letter

ambulance

The Telegraph reports

An ambulance service has spent more than £10,000 on iPods for their staff. The North East Ambulance Service (NEAS) bought the music players for 90 team leaders across the region at a cost of £120 each - a total outlay of £10,800.

An NEAS spokesman said: "The trust has over 60 locations between Berwick and Teesside and prior to the issue of these iPods, staff were required to attend training sessions (usually hosted at our training centres at Northumberland and Durham).

"The use of iPods, however, gives us the ability to roll-out some education via ‘podcasts’ without the need to travel such distances which means that staff are able to spend more time caring for patients."

Just a thought chaps but don't most people use a computer to download their podcasts before transferring them onto an iPod? It would be cheaper to have them listen to the podcast on the computer that they used to download it with the added bonus that they would be giving the important information their undivided attention.

advert

I might have altered that ever so slightly ......

neutral

David Willets is quoted as saying "Labour are 'so neutral on everything'."

Discuss.

buggered by gordon

Inspired by the lyrical styling of Dungeekin.

the phantom headline copywriter strikes again

Royal Mail said the price of first class stamps will rise by 2p to 41p. The increase amounts to an inflation busting 5 per cent. Second class stamps will also increase by 2p to 32p from 6 April 2010.

miley cyrus breaks concert attendence record

Seventeen year old Miley Cyrus broke her previous largest audience when 6 people attended her recent O2 concert. "It's marvellous!" she gushed "I'm thrilled that so many paedophiles were allowed out of prison at the same time"

marketing men: paradigms of virtue

From the BBC

Chefs appear to have more unhealthy habits than any other profession while those in advertising are near paradigms of virtue, a survey suggests. The poll of 3,000 workers found chefs smoked the most and consumed two snacks of crisps or chocolate most days. But the ad man smoked just nine cigarettes and drank in moderation, closely followed by the teacher.

Sooooo. People in marketing are honest are they? Don't spend their whole working day telling half truths and putting a positive spin on things?

As for Teachers .. .. .. taking a quick straw poll of all of the qualified teachers that I know personally 100% of them have an alcohol consumption level somewhat larger than the government recommendation. Then again, 100% of them had never heard of Medicash.

florence

News reaches us today that Florence has been named as "the coolest Brit chick under 30" by Company magazine. We immediately sent a film crew to her roundabout to get her reaction to the news.

"I'm shocked and flattered to be given this award" she said "especially as I'm over 40 and French. I guess that they were prepared to overlook these minor difficulties."

We were about to enquire further when Zebedee popped up and told us it was time for bed.

exclusive interview

Gordon Brown, in an exclusive interview with one of the few remaining Labour supporting media platforms, today spells out why voting for the Conservatives would be bad. "The Tories" he said "want to undo all of the work that I have achieved over the last 12 years. They think that being up to my eyeball in debt is somehow a bad thing and they would take steps to try to balance the budget. Any left thinking person knows how disastrous this course of action would be."

We were delighted to be invited to Gordon's third home for this exclusive interview. He took the time to come down from the lectern and speak to each one of us personally before pressing ahead with the interview.

"This isn't about economic rights or wrongs" he continued "this is about making sure that you, the little people, understand that borrowing is a good thing and the nasty Tories would try to make you repay all the money that I've persuaded people have lent you. Without me throwing your money away on endless vanity projects you'd not be in the position of financial strength that you are today."

"The Tories would not have created the endless unnecessary jobs that I have. They would in fact reduce the size and cost of the public sector. That would not be fair for those individuals." he said. "And I believe that fairness is important. Without fairness some people might actually better themselves, leaving the others behind, and we can't allow that to happen."

"After 3 successive Labour governments running the country people just aren't equipped with the skills and resolve they would need to make decisions for themselves. The youth are especially vulnerable to this malaise as they've never known any different. How would they cope without a paternalistic dictatorship to guide their thoughts?"

"Lets move onto the NHS. This government has guaranteed an 18 week wait before you get your NHS treatment. The Tories refuse to promise to keep waiting times that high. The negotiations by my Health Minister that lead to a doubling of GP salaries while cutting the opening hours of surgeries cannot be matched by the Tories. Why won't they make a manifesto pledge to do something as radical?"

This last pronouncement drew rapturous applause from the photographer and she was so overcome with excitement that she had a heart attack. Luckily she has only another 17 weeks to wait before her treatment. In a gesture of supreme magnanimity Gordon has allowed her to stay in his shed office until then.

cheryl cole

Cheryl explains, among other things, her understanding of football and politics in this months Q Magazine. On football she says

"I don’t really understand the tactical side of it."

while her political affiliations are based on a profound understanding of policy direction

“We’ve always been Labour in our family, it just feels wrong not to be. Better the devil you know.”

A positive role model for young girls everywhere.

walking

From the BBC

The public have been urged to have an active festive break, by going for a walk on Christmas Day to burn off the calories consumed during lunch. The government urged people to take to the streets, fields and beaches and take a stroll after eating.

To promote the "Christmas walk" a list of top English walks has been drawn up. They include a stroll around famous London landmarks, such as Tower Bridge, a trek in the Peak District and walk on Birmingham's Moseley Bog, which inspired JRR Tolkien's books on hobbits.

Public health minister Gillian Merron said: "Whatever the weather, a traditional festive walk is a great way for families and friends to avoid that sluggish feeling and have a more active Christmas.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Public Health Minister is urging people to take to the Peak District whatever the weather fucking retard that she is. No mention of proper planning, correct clothes or equipment in the article just 'get out there and walk', even in a blizzard.

I imagine that the mountain rescue teams won't be sending Ms Merron a Christmas card this year.


UPDATE: Oh fucking hell. The BBC is now has an article telling us "the main problem appears to be ill-equipped people, incidents of slips and falls and people setting out too late."

Make your mind up BBC.

dumb criminal

Seen here.

If only he was on Twitter he might have seen this useful advice and avoided detection.

searching for people

The Telegraph reports that Britney Spears is the most internet searched person of the decade.

Osama bin Laden takes second place, with a spate of online searches following the September 11 terror attacks, followed by David Beckham. Princess Diana is fourth, followed by Tony Blair, Madonna, Simon Cowell, Jade Goody, Madeleine McCann and Brad Pitt.

*Resists temptation to make jokes about searching for Maddy on the internet*

The findings are based on online activity by British users of the search engine Ask Jeeves.

The list is created from the searches by one nation in one search engine. I wonder how different the results would be with an international sample from a number of search engines?

best use for it if you ask me

seen here

bum sniffer hunted

A pervert caught secretly sniffing a supermarket shelf-stacker's bum was last night being hunted by police.

The offender was spotted on CCTV trying to catch a whiff of the unsuspecting worker’s backside.

The rest of the story and VIDEO here

you couldn't make it up

VICAR Tim Jones has sparked an unholy row — after using his Christmas sermon to advise people to shoplift. Delivering his festive lesson the clergyman said: "My advice, as a Christian priest, is to shoplift.

"I do not offer such advice because I think that stealing is a good thing, or because I think it is harmless, for it is neither.

"I would ask that they do not steal from small family businesses, but from large national businesses, knowing that the costs are ultimately passed on to the rest of us in the form of higher prices.

Read more here

Apparently on Christmas Day the Bishop of Bath and Wells is going to describe infant cannibalism as being 'acceptable in the eyes of god'

spin

This Tweet from @bhlabour really pisses me off. It refers to this story in the Argus.

Up to £1.5 million could have to be handed back to the Government if officials dump plans for a three-mile bike lane.

Brighton and Hove was one of the first places designated as a Cycling Demonstration Town by the Government and has been given £3 million to encourage bike use since 2005.

But there are fears the status could be lost if Brighton and Hove City Council backtracks on an agreement to construct the cycle path in Old Shoreham Road.

Gill Mitchell, the leader of the Labour group on the council, raised the concerns as the local authority stalled on revealing the results of the public consultation on the scheme.

Consultation on the scheme, which would see a designated path built between Portslade and Seven Dials in Brighton, ended in October.

For those of you who don't know the road it is an alternating single and dual carriageway that cuts East-West from Brighton to Shoreham with many sections that carry a 40 mph speed limit. It is a major through route for traffic and can be quite congested at peak times. You would imagine from that description that it is motorists putting pressure on the council to drop the plans but

When plans were revealed cycling campaigners criticised the scheme as “next to useless” because it featured gaps they said were dangerous for inexperienced riders.

it is cycling groups that are objecting. @bhlabour wants a cycle lane to be constructed that cyclists don't want? Twats

to prevent pickpockets

After the success of their bell initiative to reduce pickpocket crime police in one Derbyshire town are taking the project to the next level. Officers from the Clowne force will be handing out squirting flowers pre-loaded with marking dye to shoppers this weekend so that criminals who attempt muggings or thefts can be quickly marked for easy identification.

Superintendent Chalmers spoke to us earlier about this radical new crime prevention measure. "Derbyshire police force once again shows that, with this novel new approach to prevention, we are ahead of the curve with new technologies" he said. "For a relatively low investment we believe that this new application will have a positive impact on our crimes solved statistics."

An investigation by one of our reporters revealed that other ideas discussed but rejected included offering buckets of custard, large shoes and baggy trousers to all shoppers but these were rejected once the collapsing police car design project ran seriously over budget.

The squirting flowers will be available in the main shopping center on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday from 7pm with a matinee distribution pencilled in for 2pm on Christmas Eve.

a retrospective look at cyber-bullying

Cyber-bullying is no longer a problem thanks to the sterling work done by, among others, the NOTW back in 2009. Things might have been very different today if the campaign they championed hadn't led to legislation binding the government to reduce bullying to pre-1984 levels. Most modern scholars tend to skim over the groundwork laid down by the NOTW purely because of its disgusting right-wing bias but our new studies have shown that this alignment played a crucial role in the dissolution of the short lived Cameron 'Do Nothing' government.

While Saviour Brown was busy signing multiple lending agreements with foreign nations the action of the NOTW provided a useful distraction that allowed him to slip a few extra clauses into the contracts that caused the loans to become payable immediately if anyone other than him was in charge. This only became apparent after the result of the 2010 election when the Chinese government appeared with bailiffs while Cameron was moving in to 10 Downing Street. With Britain facing certain immediate bankruptcy Cameron had no option but to stand down in favour of Saviour Brown.

Within a few weeks of returning to his rightful place as the most equal citizen Saviour Brown introduced the hugely important Internet Anonymity Bill (2010) which has been central to clamping down on cyber-bullying. Without this landmark piece of legislation cowards using pseudonyms would have been able to continue their evil ways. The visionary the DNA Broadband Access Amendment (2011) which came into force soon after was the final piece of benevolent safety legislation. Linking broadband access to the mandatory ID card database was the penultimate stage in the clampdown on cyber-bullies and the introduction of a monitored central webcam facility finally rid the internet of this crime.

No more would parents have to worry that our children could be subjected to anonymous abuse from strangers. No longer could 237 remote, faceless, anonymous users be enlisted by nefarious bullies to join in their mockery on unregulated internet sites such as Bookface or Twatter thanks to the visionary leadership of Saviour Brown.

Praise be to Gordon.

a musical with a happy ending

headline of yesterday

Seen here

vegetivity

Tulleys Farm has embraced the Christmas spirit by creating a 'Vegetivity' from produce grown on the farm. According to the Telegraph and the BBC

One visitor labelled the representation as "offensive"

If you know the person that thought this was offensive please ask them to get in touch to explain what aspect of the display they were objecting to. I'd love to know if it was the nativity scene, the fact that the nativity was made of vegetables, or if they spotted something in the arrangement that no-one else has.

skint

Economists breathed a collective sigh of relief yesterday as the Treasury borrowing figures revealed the largest monthly debt since records began. "To be perfectly frank with you" said one economist "when Alistair said that he'd only borrowed £20.3 billion this month we thought we'd misheard but then the subtitles appeared on the TV screen to confirm the numbers and a huge cheer echoed around the office."

"With the rate at which Gordon and Alistair seem intent on spend money they don't have" he continued "we were honestly expecting the borrowing to be about £5 billion higher. Obviously all of this borrowing will have to be repaid by the government but as neither Gordon or Alistair will be part of it after the election they just don't seem to care how much they spend."

Rumour from the Westminster gossips is that Gordon was shipped off to Copenhagen for two weeks as part of a cold turkey experiment to wean him off spending excessive amounts of cash. Unfortunately he somehow still managed to offer £1.5 billion of borrowed money after he gave his handlers the slip. A full investigation is underway into the incident.






Legal Notice: No MPs salaries, benefits, expenses claims or pensions were hurt in this recession.

419

I am writing to you to congratulate you on winning the Jamaican Lottery that you have never heard of let alone purchased a ticket for. You have won nearly £2.5 million of your English pounds as a prize and all you need to do is send me a cheque for the release fees, customs fees and a small insurance waiver and the money can be credited to your bank account.

You might have heard of some terribly corrupt people in Nigeria operating a scam where they make outrageous claims and demand monies up front for a non-existent lottery prize. Let me assure you that I am not, and have never been, a Nigerian; I've never even been to any part of Africa.

Now that you are confident of my integrity and are excited about the opportunity to receive riches beyond your most sumptuous dreams please forward the small sum of five hundred English pounds sterling and your bank details. Only once you have done this can dreams of financial security become a reality.

curious phrasing

Polly is bemoaning the lack of a concrete deal at Copenhagen this week and far be it from me to attempt to fisk the whole piece. However one paragraph jumped out that deserves another look

But it's no use just blaming pusillanimous politicians. They should frighten their countries witless with the inconvenient truth – but there is a limit to how far ahead of their people any leader can go, elected or not. NGO protesters make much-needed noise, but they wouldn't have to if most people were already with them.

Polly seems to be suggesting that politicians should use An Inconvenient Truth to create fear in their countries so that the population will be more open to the solutions they suggest, to move them in the direction that the politicians want to go.

The second suggestion, that the protesters belong to NGOs, is a staggering admission of manipulation. One has to wonder which protesters she refers to? If the G20 demonstration and the COP15 demonstration were not spontaneous events but were organised by NGOs .....

festive cheer from alcohol concern

Surveys of people's drinking habits "grossly underestimate" the amount they consume by some 44 million bottles of wine a week, a charity warns.

begins the latest nannying BBC article about alcohol control. I've underestimated by 44 million bottles per week have I? Really, I think you are exaggerating a little bit. I might have had a double vodka instead of a single but I think I'd notice all those extra wine bottles in the recycling.

Alcohol Concern says drinkers in the UK consume the equivalent of a bottle of wine per week more than they admit.

No.
I.
Haven't.
Really. I know how much I drink and I'm not underestimating at all

It says this could be because they "forget" or underestimate how much they have drunk during heavy sessions.

or maybe because people don't want to give cunts like Don Shenker any more fuel for their bansturbatory fire by telling them the true levels of their consumption?

The survey comes after figures from the Health Survey for England revealed 41% of men and 32% of women had drunk more than the recommended number of units of alcohol on at least one day in the previous week.

Daily Units? FUCK OFF! JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF.

This includes 25% of men and 15% of women who had drunk more than twice the recommended maximum, which is 14 units a week for women and 21 units a week for men.

Oh sweet Jesus. The recommended units for a woman used to be 21 and a man 28 per week and now they are trying to reposition them as 14 and 21 respectively. CUNTS!

The latest report was based on analysis from the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moores University. It found that the difference between survey data and actual sales data reveals 225 million litres of alcohol go unaccounted for every year.

So the concept of cooking with wine or beer, in which the alcohol boils off, has escaped you? What about wastage? Does your survey ask how many opened bottles of wine or beer end up in the sewer?

Alcohol Concern's chief executive, Don Shenker, said: "If we underestimate our drinking levels, then we're underestimating the amount of harm we can expect to happen to our families, communities and wider society - as well as how much further we need to go to curb our excessive consumption.

I wondered when the BBC would get to the cunt Shenker. We don't actually consume that much alcohol as a nation Don, compared to, say, France. It's what some, people do once they've had a drink that is the problem.

"Poor survey intelligence can result in misinformed policy."

Maybe if you conducted a survey that wasn't intent on getting certain results?

"Any future government must get to grips with measuring the true scale and nature of this problem if it is to make a difference to reduce alcohol harms."

As in - it's not a problem so we can stop all government funding to wankstain fake charities such as Alcohol Concern and force their employees out into the private sector to get worthwhile jobs? I look forward to that day with relish Don. I just hope someone is there to record the look on your face when you are informed that all government funding has been cut.

pop quote of the day

"I cannot bear to see him lose out to a mean campaign that has nothing to do with his efforts."

- Cheryl Cole

In the world according to Cheryl no-one should dare to question the supremacy of X-Factor, the cynical timing of the TV show to ensure that the winner will have the Christmas #1 single, or the 'talent' of the performing monkeys that appear on the show. How dare someone want a different record to be #1 other than the offering released by his musical magnificence the Great Cowell. Oh hang on, RATM are also signed to the same record label .. .. .. ..

You know you could always buy a 'proper' Christmas single




Available to buy here for 69p

snow / journey to work pics

Major Road



Country Lane



Railway Line

the obligatory snow post

This lot came down in about 90 minutes .. .. .. still going .. ..

turkey twisters

With a large seasoning of 'you couldn't make it up' the DCSF has released a series of recipes for year 7 school children including Turkey Twisters (pdf).

Only a few years ago the government was condemning spiral shaped turkey products after Jamie Oliver ran a campaign to improve school meals.

Surely they could have picked a different name for the recipe that doesn't evoke the foodstuff that was at the center of the storm 4 years ago?

even more on made up jobs

From the BBC

More than 200 temporary jobs for young unemployed people are to be created in the Highlands after a successful bid to the UK government's Future Jobs Fund. The fund has awarded £1.3m to Highland Council to create jobs and training for 203 people aged between 18 and 24.

Each job that is created must be for at least 25 hours a week for six months. They must also pay at least national minimum wage. The range of jobs includes waste management assistants, grounds maintenance trainees, street cleaning operatives, social care workers, countryside rangers, building operatives and clerical assistants.

This is even worse than I thought it might be. 25 hours per week is not even a full time job.

Anyone who takes these 'opportunities' will be no better off financially than if they just don't work at all. Apart from an attempt to hide the appalling figures for unemployment what is the point of this scheme?

restricting alcohol to over 15s only

In a move that will enrage applicants for the CMO vacancy Liam Donaldson has said this morning that children under 15 should not be allowed any alcohol at all. In a double whammy press release he also linked alcohol pricing to underage drinking. Naturally Don Fucking Shenker wanted in on the deal and is quoted by the Guardian as saying

"The easy availability of alcohol at pocket-money prices is far more important, and the government should consider getting tough on cheap sales to help tackle underage drinking"

This afternoon the Children’s Minister Dawn Primarolo issued a press release on behalf of the DCSF. It says

Parents have backed the Chief Medical Officer’s advice that children should avoid alcohol completely before the age of 15. Following publication of draft guidance in January this year, parents were asked what they thought. More than 26,000 people commented on the guidance, with the majority welcoming its focus on parental responsibility and the clear advice on the health effects and risks of children drinking alcohol.

Over 26,000 responses and the majority 'welcome its focus on parental responsibility'. What does the government plan to do?

In the new year the Government will launch a national public awareness campaign based on the CMO’s guidelines, to further support and advice for young people and their parents about the harmful effects of alcohol.

Totally fucking ignore them and issue more guidelines and advice (which, no doubt, will be used in the near future as a measure of parental capability). Hectoring, Nannying New Labour.

mistaken identity

Imagine for a moment that you're the Identity Minister and that you have to go to Liverpool for a photoshoot to promote the next stage of the rollout of the National Identity Card. What is the one thing that you have to take with you to the meeting, the one thing that, if you forget to take it, will make you the laughing stock of the internet?

Answers on a postcard to:

Meg Hillier
Identity Minister
c/o Home Office
2 Marsham Street
London SW1P 4DF

unemployment statistics

While the BBC is reporting that the number of unemployed has risen this month the Deputy Prime Minister said today during PMQs

"today is the day when we've seen employment rise, we've seen the number of people in work increasing"

How can that be? Employment and unemployment both rising at the same time?

e-petition (7)

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Propose that every shop must close at 12pm on a sunday.

I feel that sunday should be a day of rest for the whole of the uk. I do however understand the lack of time which the average British citizen seems to have, so a 12pm closing time shouldn't be to out of the question. With the internet at such an adavanced stage i feel that the shopaholics among us could still get their fix if needs be.

Mr Nicholas Law, the petition creator, hasn't really thought this through has he? What about other retail outlets such as bars and restaurants - would they be covered too? Or does Mr Law not think that the employees of these businesses should have the Sunday off too? Internet businesses are not entirely maintenance free either and generally have employees working 7 days a week.

Opening for a half day on Sunday is the worst possible solution. Employees that work full time, five days a week, would then face one of two options. They would either lose half a day's pay or have their 5 day week spread over 6 days, neither of which is a better situation than the present one.

Back to the drawing board Mr Law.

keep up the good work

The Welsh Environment Minister, Jane Davidson, mistook a marketing platitude for personal praise when she met the Governor of California recently. An aide for Mr Schwarzenegger told press contacts after the event that Ms Davidson was the only person present that had failed to realise it was a massive publicity stunt for Mr Schwarzenegger's new film "Keep up the Good Work".

Keep up the Good Work is due to be released in Europe in the summer. Mr Schwarzenegger plays the central character in this epic comedy rom com thriller based around the struggles of a provincial priest learning to come to terms with prevailing attitudes towards god in the slums of a major city. Preview screenings have seen audiences react very positively to the core themes of homosexuality, paedophilia, drugs, abortion, gangs and global warming.

We contacted Ms Davidson but she declined to comment.

new chief medical officer required

If you missed the news that Liam Donaldson is retiring in May 2010 from the position of Chief Medical Officer then you may already be too late to apply to fill the vacancy.

As part of their program of modernising the NHS the Ministers responsible have chosen a slightly different approach to the selection process. The traditional rounds of stuffy interviews are to be dispensed with in favour of a process more in keeping with the way that the current incumbent of the position has expanded the role.

Accepted applicants will have from the 1st January until the 15th April 2010 to accumulate as many points as possible based on newspaper column inches, internet page hits and minutes of television coverage for their concocted health scares, calls for higher taxation and demands of new regulation for pleasurable products.

"We are pro-actively making this change to better reflect the responsibilities of the post," said the Minister responsible for the revised selection process, "and also to allow the candidates to prove their effectiveness in the role should they be successful. It's no good them being able to perform well in front of an interview panel if they can't convert that to generating fear in the general public through the media."

"Naturally we've weighted the scoring towards appearances in the national media however we have not ignoring the impact on a global scale" he said "so successful hysteria in, for example, the USA based on a story that was made up in Britain will be positively received by the review committee. In the unlikely event of a tie between candidates the committee will oversee the process to determine the effectiveness of each campaign."

"Candidates may use material from previous campaigns during the application process but they will only score points by taking it to new levels of ridiculousness. To illustrate: There are already a number of groups working on minimum pricing for alcohol at 50p per unit so unless the candidate campaigns for 60p or 70p per unit that would be declared null and void."

"Once the selection of the new CMO is finalised we expect that they will want to begin hectoring and nannying the public from day one which is why we have already allocated them a budget to spend on setting up as many fake charities as it takes to get the public properly fearful and demanding action. We also have a large number of otherwise unemployable people ready to fill the roles that these new organisations will create."

The Minister declined when pressed to indicate how many candidates had been accepted for the selection process other than to confirm that more than one person had indicated an interest.

someone at the telegraph is pissed

Seen here

what's the point?

The team behind England's bid to host the 2018 World Cup is set to announce its choices as host cities if it is successful.Fifteen are bidding to become "candidate cities" and these will be whittled down to around 12, containing up to 18 stadiums.

Seriously. What is the fucking point?

highways agency rapid response team

A crack Highway's Agency rapid response team flew into action yesterday after villagers in Cornwall placed a dangerous structure on a roundabout. Police sealed off the area while DNA samples were harvested from the illegal decoration before it was sealed in contamination bags and removed.

The Highways Agency issued the following statement late last night "Leaving this tree in the centre of the roundabout posed a potential hazard that could have lead to many near misses or crashes. Drivers squinting to see this disproportionately small tree might then laugh uncontrollably when they realise what it is which in turn is not conducive to safe driving."

"The rapid response unit was set up three years ago by the government to deal with emergency situations such as this. Since then the team have undergone an intensive training regime ensuring they maintain a perpetual state of readiness and the speed and efficiency shown today is a testament to their dedication."

"The Highways agency is not opposed to Midwinter Festival, or the decorations associated with Midwinter Festival, but driver safety must come before aesthetic considerations. If the person who placed the tree would like it returned they can contact Peter Heron at the Notter Bridge depot where it is being stored. In fact that would be pretty useful as the police would like a word and they have no real leads at the moment"

latest unemployment figures

According to this BBC report back up to 7.9% and a new reported high of 2.49 million (up from the total of 2.46 million reported last month) unemployed people.

coverage from copenhagen

The BBC cut to a video report from Roger Harriban on the Copenhagen summit as I was readying myself for the journey to work this morning (-4˚C outside). I wasn't really paying all that much attention until he got to talking about a deal being pushed by France and the UK, brokered by Ethiopia which was slightly at odds with the spin that was applied to the story yesterday.

Harrabin then went on to talk about 'taking money from different pots' to pay for climate change. These different pots include aviation fuel and maritime fuel or, in other words, ever higher taxation.


Cunt.

a blogger's prediction

From the Argus

Momma Cherri, real name Charita Jones, walked away from the Momma Cherri Speakeasy on Wednesday just two months after it opened in Providence Place, Brighton.

The Speakeasy was opened in October with the support of backers, who jointly set up the company Momma Cherri’s Speakeasy. Backers will keep the restaurant open under the new name Brighton’s Speakeasy.

Well no-one thought it would be a success so the only real surprise is that the 'backers' aren't throwing in the towel yet.

bluetooth

From the BBC

Shoppers in a north Devon town are being offered the opportunity to receive text messages from the police on their mobile phones. The Devon and Cornwall force is testing Bluetooth as a means of communicating non-urgent information.

Text messaging is usually associated with SMS rather than bluetooth delivery but maybe I'm being over pedantic today.

Shoppers have been asked to turn their Bluetooth receivers on, so they can receive a message promoting the force's non-emergency number 08452 777 444 and the police website.

How are they asked? Does an officer stand there and request people activate their bluetooth so that a message can be sent or is there a poster with instructions on how to access the service? Seriously wouldn't just the poster be a) cheaper, b) more cost effective and c) easier? What if people don't know how to use their phone correctly? Will there be an instructional video?

Pc Andy Wills said: "From this pilot we will be able to ascertain just how many people delete or store the message and if it is successful will look for wider adoption across north Devon."

How will you be able to tell who deletes or stores your message unless it contains a spyware element?

I never have bluetooth on on my handset unless I'm specifically using it to transfer files. I'm certainly not going to accept a potential spyware package from the police. Thanks, but no thanks.

lena gercke

Rumour has it that she needs a shoulder to cry on after being dumped by her long term boyfriend. Please form an orderly queue.

no wonder motorists are so despised

I saw a car with this on this morning.

Why godddamnit why?

'broken' brown heads to copenhagen

Gordon Brown is heading to the UN climate negotiations in Copenhagen with the aim of avoiding the growing unrest at his dithering at home. With no understanding of the tremendous irony the Prime Minister will fly into the summit - several days before most world leaders - determined to get the talks back on course and achieve a meaningful deal to reduce carbon emissions.

Ahead of the Prime Minister's trip, aides said Mr Brown wanted to bring to the table the voice of poorer countries, and he plans to spend much of Wednesday in private making sure that the UK is amongst them. His plans are believed to include increasing the amount of money that the UK gives to other nations each year, selling off assets at a car boot sale and doubling the number of public sector jobs.

Before setting off, Mr Brown will hold talks in Downing Street with Meles Zenawi, the Ethiopian prime minister and the head of the African Union's delegation to the United Nations gathering. There are unconfirmed reports that Prime Minister Brown will use the time try to negotiate the UK's repositioning as an African nation.


More here

peter andre still in denial

In an interview released today Peter Andre claims that he has "never been a boob man". After about 2 seconds of research I have found conclusive proof that this is *cough* something of an oversight on his part.

Exhibit A - Funky Junky

Exhibit B - The Right Way


Any further questions?

nugget bloke

I'll always remember the first time I encountered you. The look on the employee's face as you entered the shop. The patience with which she revealed the price to you of twenty or more menu combinations. The lack of frustration in her voice as she re-told you the price of the first thing that you had enquired about. The way that she patiently waited for you to count out your money; never hurrying you even though the queue of customers was slowly and steadily growing behind you.

You sat by yourself on the square table engaged in a solemn, solitary dialogue. An aura of gentleness surrounded you.

The employee was a flurry of activity behind you smoothly reducing the size of the queue and soothing the frayed tempers of the customers who had been delayed by your indecision. When you food was ready she arranged it on a tray with precision and care before respectfully placing it in front of you.

You spent three or four minutes (I wasn't wearing a watch that day) intently studying the drink before gathering yourself and rising. Grasping the cup of tea in your right hand you returned to the counter and with gentle voice explained that your friend had changed his mind and would prefer a cola instead.

Armed with the replacement you returned to your seat and pushed the drink to the opposite side of the table. A serene smile crossed your face.

Nugget bloke.

You are by far the strangest person that I've ever encountered.