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Thanks to skilful negotiating by the government all calls to claim benefits will now be free. Previously calls from mobile operators were charged at standard network rates but from next week they, like landlines, will be without charge.

Yvette Balls, the Minister for Girls Who Look Like Boys, hailed the news as a brilliant step forward. "This brilliant step forward ensures that people can claim benefits as soon as they need to" she said "without having to go home first. Why should someone be forced to leave the beautiful smokefree pub or betting shop to be able to claim what is rightly theirs? Well now they won't have to. This inspired change will allow claimants access to the benefits service with the minimum amount of disruption to their lives."

Suggestions that people who need to claim benefits should probably stop using their more expensive mobiles and switch to a cheaper landline were angrily dismissed by the minister.