Thursday, January 14, 2010

above average

A new policy idea emerged from the Conservatives today to help improve the nation's morale. The campaign is expected to be launched within hours of them winning a general election.

I'm Above Average outlines a new law that will encourage people to feel positive about themselves. Legislation will be passed requiring all alcohol containers to inform the drinker the national average consumption of that product on either a daily or weekly basis.

"No-one likes feeling left behind" said the shadow minister for authoritarian legislation "and this radical change in the way we think about alcohol consumption will reassure the vast majority that they are indeed above average. I'm Above Average will be backed up by online local, regional and national league tables so that everyone can see just how far above average they are."

Suggestions that I'm Above Average is a derivation of the current government's Making Exams Easier To Pass policy has been angrily denied by the Tories. They claim that this is an entirely new approach that they devised all on their own.


banned said...

Funny spoof but the policy is pure bollox as is "The average British drinker drinks one glass of wine a night"
The average british drinker does not drink ANY glasses of wine a night.
If they are saying that 60 million glasses get drunk a night that means that perhaps 10 million people are drinking 6 glasses each per night, or any other made up statistics that they care to come up with.
The whole premise is wrong since anyone with a real drink problem will not take the slightest bit of notice anyway.

manwiddicombe said...

I agree banned that the plan is bollocks but at least we'll be able to attack the teetotallers as being 'below average'. Focus groups can be set up to determine how to prevent them from being left behind, social workers assigned, money can be targeted to help them.


manwiddicombe said...

On a more serious note I've just read the Adur Brewery's take on the proposals.

Not good. Not good at all.