A new policy idea emerged from the Conservatives today to help improve the nation's morale. The campaign is expected to be launched within hours of them winning a general election.
I'm Above Average outlines a new law that will encourage people to feel positive about themselves. Legislation will be passed requiring all alcohol containers to inform the drinker the national average consumption of that product on either a daily or weekly basis.
"No-one likes feeling left behind" said the shadow minister for authoritarian legislation "and this radical change in the way we think about alcohol consumption will reassure the vast majority that they are indeed above average. I'm Above Average will be backed up by online local, regional and national league tables so that everyone can see just how far above average they are."
Suggestions that I'm Above Average is a derivation of the current government's Making Exams Easier To Pass policy has been angrily denied by the Tories. They claim that this is an entirely new approach that they devised all on their own.