alcohol

The BBC carries news of the radical proposals by Professor Ian Gilmore to tackle alcohol intake in Britain.

"Look" he may have said "there are people who just aren't contributing their fair share to the Exchequer. We're in a recession and everyone needs to take some of the pain. We all need to pull together to get the finances back in order."

"I'm proposing that from today anyone found to be entirely teetotal will be sent on an Alcohol Awareness Program where they will be locked in a small room and won't be allowed to leave until they have consumed at least two cases of Stella. Anyone found guilty of repeat sobriety will be assigned an Active Intervention Operative who will follow them 24 hours a day offering to buy them a pint."

Studies have shown that early intervention is a key factor in eradicating the scourge of teetotalism which is why Prof. Gilmore has proposed a network of primary school alcopopficers and the addition of tasting sessions to the national curriculum. A comprehensive collection of study aids and brightly coloured promotional material bearing the slogan *You're never too young for alcohol* have been produced.

Parents have reacted furiously at this nannying approach. Many that contacted us claimed that they are perfectly capable of teaching their offspring to drink irresponsibly without government help. The statistics, however, paint a very different picture.