attractive

Political parties may be forced to rethink their selection strategies after research revealed that people are less likely to vote for a munter than previously thought. Picking attractive candidates could make the difference between victory and defeat on May 6th May 27th June 10th election day. People are more interested in whether or not they could have a satisfying wank-fantasy over the candidate rather than their achievements or qualifications.

"We have looked at the study's results with great interest" said a senior Labour Party NEC member, "and it will form an integral part of our election strategy. We know that we don't have a whelk's chance in a supernova of winning the election with the mingers that are currently elected MPs."

"On Friday John Prescott, Margaret Beckett, Peter Hain, Diane Abbot, Jacqui Smith, Yvette Cooper, Phil Woolas and Bob Ainsworth are among those who will come forward to announce their resignations. On Saturday we will reveal their replacements. I don't want to give away any details but Simon Cowell will need to find another female judge for X-Factor this year. Nudge nudge, wink wink."

He then leaked a document to the gathered press that outlined the rest of the secret candidates that will be revealed on Saturday. They include David Beckham, Myleene Klass, Richard Hammond, Emma Watson, Joanna Lumley and the bloke from the diet coke 'lift' advert provided that his passport arrives in time.