fear

A recent study by NHS Scotland has shown some horrifying results about alcohol consumption. Not only is the average consumption of alcohol below government the 'safe' guideline figure of 28 units per week it also hasn't risen in the last four years.

"This is a fucking disaster" said the Scottish Minster for Authoritarian Control "How the hell can we force through unwanted new legislation with results like this?"

Things were looking even worse for the puritanical fucktards in England where the average consumption is only 21.8 units per week, well within the healthy guideline, until the BBC stepped in. Thankfully they came up with a hysterical way of describing the figures by referring to the equivalent number of bottles of vodka.

"Everyone knows that vodka is the preferred beverage of the hardened alcoholic" said a BBC spokesperson. "By describing it in this way we can drive home the message that alcohol is a real problem while handily ignoring the majority of the facts. We even managed to get a quote from the Scottish Health Minister, that totally ignores the facts as presented in the report, about a big rise in alcohol consumption. Brilliant!"

We pointed out to the BBC spokesperson that this was the second report recently that was based on quantities purchased rather than consumed, and didn't take into account purchases that were delivered outside of Scotland or alcohol that was thrown away. We were immediately escorted from Television House and told to piss off.