knife

Police rushed to a top London restaurant yesterday after a member of the public reported seeing an offensive weapon. They sealed off the area and specialist negotiators persuaded the suspects to give themselves up.

Chief Superintendent Offiah Reaction was pleased that the situation was resolved without any members of the public being injured. "Incidents like this can rapidly spiral out of control unless they are quickly contained" he said.

The suspect was taken to a police station and interrogated for over 18 hours but refused to co-operate beyond giving his name, rank and payroll number. He was given a formal caution before being released due to a complete lack of evidence.

As he left the police station the suspect gave a statement to the gathered media. "One minute I was cutting some parsley to garnish a dish and the next thing I know there are police everywhere. I think the world has gone crazy if a kitchen utensil being used in a kitchen is offensive."

We tracked down the restaurant owner in a McDonalds with his kids and asked him for a statement. He told us to "Fuck the fuck off" before threatening to beat the fuck out of us for fucking interrupting his fucking family time.