vocabulary

The appointment by the government of a Communication Champion for Children has had instant and dramatic results. Young people have increased the number of words they use to an average of 800 per day.

"This is a brilliant achievement by the youth of this country" enthused the Communication Champion "and outstrips the derisory performance of the previous Conservative government. Young people can rightly be proud that they are using more adjectives than ever to describe the simplest of items."

"If anyone can translate exactly what any of them are actually saying I'd greatly appreciate the assistance. Some of the colloquialisms they verbalise are utterly indecipherable to anyone outside of their social groupings."

Parents of teenage children are perplexed by the results of the study as they closest approximation to language that they can tease out of their offspring is a couple of grunts and the odd 'dunno'.