donations

The time has come for us to repay the national debt. Some have argued that tax rises and spending cuts are the best solution but radical new plans are to be unveiled by the government tomorrow that will transform these assumptions. Traditional debt reduction strategies are not popular with the electorate and, with a humiliation in the general election looming, the government needed to find a unique solution to resolve the country's financial situation while not further damaging their chances of re-election.

The Ministry of Involuntary Organ Harvesting has been granted special executive powers under legislation that was hurriedly passed through parliament late on Sunday evening. Lists of conservative voters, hereditary peers and people with jobs in the private sector have been drawn up for the first wave of compulsory donations.

"We've consulted extensively with specialist surgeons" said the newly appointed 349th government minister "and concluded that the majority of people are needlessly holding onto excessive internal organs. Repeated requests for voluntary donations have been largely ignored so we have little choice but to make arrangements for the mandatory collection of one kidney from each selfish citizen."

"Notice will be sent to donors on the day that the Prime Minister announces the date of the general election and collections will begin three weeks after that. Such a quick turnaround, from notification to operation, is a testament to the skill, dedication, efficiency and hard work of NHS staff around the country."

"Failure to comply with the legal notification of your kidney donation will result in legal action being taken to recover all of your major internal organs in accordance with the legislation. A full copy will be published on our website at some point."