just. shut. the fuck. up.

Amanda Sandford, a spokeswoman from the fakecharity ASH, has been told to just shut the fuck up after she called for two performers to be prosecuted for smoking. Every single one of the fans who had attended the special performance in Portsmouth on Sunday joined together in condemning her calls for them to be fined for smoking during their live show.

"Look" said one of the lucky 500 who attended the special gig. "It's really simple. Not a single one of the adults in the audience complained about the fags because none of us give a shit whether they smoke or not. Quite honestly the burning tobacco smell was a blessed relief from the stench of BO coming from the ugly bird standing next to me."

This however is not enough for Ms Sandford who believes that people aren't capable of making responsible, grown up, decisions for themselves. "All those impressionable middle aged, middle class people might be tempted to think about taking up smoking if their heroes are doing it" she said without the faintest hint of irony in her voice. "I suppose the band is doing it just to gain extra publicity."

"I'll try to explain slowly for you" said another audience member we interviewed, "so that you can understand. Ready? Ok. Just. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Stop trying to promote your organisation that is heavily funded by the taxpayer when not a single member of the staff or audience at the venue gives a shit. No-one complained, no-one was bothered. Not one. Please do us a favour and fuck off? Thank you."