smoking

Dear fellow anti-smoker,

Now that we've stopped smokers from smoking anywhere indoors that we might want to go, such as buses, cinemas, aeroplanes, pubs, restaurants, private clubs (of which we aren't members), and the media campaign to stop them smoking anywhere outdoors that we might wish to visit is gathering momentum, it's time to look to our next campaign strategy.

Our market research has shown that now is the time to push forward our most bold initiatives. The media seem receptive to the whole language of prohibition, the public are growing used to the idea of calls for bans of dangerous activities (and lord knows we've reinforced repeatedly how dangerous smokers are), so now is not the time to pause in our crusade. Now is the time to begin our strongest push for victory over these vile stinking people.

Duncan Bannatyne has already seeded the idea that children should report their parents to the authorities, a strategy that was received better than any of our polling data suggested it would be, and combined with the implanted idea of third hand smoke we believe that it's time to push for a ban on smoking in homes.

We have recruited some senior firefighters who are willing to issue statements to the media after every fire squarely blaming cigarettes for the blaze. The momentum is on our side. Smokers are a danger to themselves, to their neighbours, to the next person to buy the house. Who would want to risk exposing their family to the terrible dangers that a smoker can leave behind in a house long after they've died a painful and agonising death caused by their filthy habit? I know that I would not want to bring up children in such a house.

To help our cause gain further support it would be helpful if you could continue to comment on online media articles, phone radio stations, write letters to the BBC, email your MP and fill out online surveys. We will of course notify you of every opportunity to do your part to help rid us of the scourge of smokers in the weekly email bulletin.

Thank you in advance for all of your support