strategy

In an effort to ensure that Blairites have no party left to take control of after the general election defeat Gordon Brown has decided to raise his profile on the campaign trail. This untimely intervention is predicted to produce the worst result ever in election history for the party.

Lord Spent Enema, the master tactician behind the campaign so far, is reported by undisclosed sources to be spitting feather boas. He has, up until now, managed a brilliant damage limitation strategy by ensuring that Gordon scares the minimum number of voters with his 'back gardens and sofas' itinerary.

After being tipped off that he did not appear on election material for Labour PPCs Gordon began to suspect that he was being deliberately sidelined from the campaign. The crucial moment of realisation came outside the SKY TV studios before the second debate when the security guard asked who the fuck he was.

Kevin Maguire's fanboy ravings on the front page of The Mirror have not helped to reduce Gordon's unease that Machiavellian plots exist to remove him. Rather than make a quiet, dignified, exit he has found a new determination to "take the whole fucking lot down" when he loses the election.

Senior figures in the Blairite camp are horrified at this unilateral decision that could wreck any chance they have of salvaging any political credibility on May 7th. "We were hoping" said one "that whatever the result David Miliband would step up and depose the clunking lunatic taking Balls and Cooper out at the same time. If Gordon becomes more visible to the general public we're not going to have enough MPs to do a deal with the Lib Dems and form a government. This isn't on the record is it?"

At a hastily arranged press conference late last night Lord Spent Enema insisted that this just a new phase of his election strategy. "This is just a new phase of my election strategy" he said. "David Cameron says he is the instrument of change but you will see between now and May 6th that they are the same old Tories with the same old campaign tactics."

"This shows the voting public that we are the only real force for change in the country" he continued. "We've changed our campaign strategy as easily as we could, not that we would need to consider such a thing, change our party leader."


In other news - Nokia have revised their profit outlook.