x-factor

With the country is holding it's collective breath waiting for Gordon to call the general election please spare a few moments, if you will, to think about a group of under-loved members of the X-Factor production ensemble. They work tirelessly to bring musical joy to households across the nation and they need a boost to their self-esteem. If your application to attend this year's auditions has been accepted you will already know who I'm referring to as it is covered in the email* you received.

You are welcome to bring banners and flags with messages of support for you or your favourite judge.

Those poor judges need the lift that seeing banners with their names on, reminding them of how much they are loved, spread through the audience. Without that affirmation of their place in your hearts the future of the show itself could quite possibly be jeopardised.

Only a few insiders are aware that Simon frequently breaks down in tears once the cameras are switched off because of the negativity his on-screen persona creates. He will plead for hours with the head of production to be allowed to be himself rather than the gross caricature that they demand of him. The role of hate figure weighs heavy on his shoulders but when he sees a banner with his name on it lifts him, readies him once again to be acerbic towards the next hopeful entrant.

The mainstream media outlets have, with uncharacteristic charity, tried to disguise the truth. When Louis walked off the show last season, and the season before, and the season before, and the season before the newspapers sprang to the rescue by claiming he'd fallen out with another member of the judging panel. In truth the lack of adoration from the audience was the real reason for his departure each time. Scanning the sea of faces and finding not a single message of support affected him deeply.

Even new girl Cheryl is wrestling with her emotional hangups. The revelations that when her husband said he was 'playing away at the weekend' he didn't just mean the football game have dented her confidence and now more than ever she needs a real boost.

So if you are attending the auditions on May 2nd at London ExCeL please please remember your banner reminding the judges on the show just how wonderful you think they are. Without your support to ensure that X-Factor continues ITV will screen even more shite from Ant and Dec.

Thank-you.





*I shit you not.