A new alcohol charity has been formed to investigate the link between reduced intelligence and unopened containers of alcohol after two incidents in five days have left people needing emergency treatment. An incident earlier this week a man in Hove was attempting to make his own alcopop by melting Werther's Mints into a bottle of vodka he was heating on the hob in his kitchen was followed by two teenage girls being injured after they put a can of cider onto a camp fire.
Felicity Handwringer, the patron of newly formed DumBooze, claimed these incidents proved beyond doubt that government funding was required to investigate the link between packaged alcohol and reduced mental capacity.
"These incidents" she said "prove beyond doubt that the government should provide funding to investigate the link between packaged alcohol and reduced mental capacity. The link between alcohol consumption and injury is well documented but these two examples show just how dangerous alcohol can be before it is consumed."
"We will be conducting extensive testing of the theory that holding a sealed container of alcohol is as dangerous as actually opening and drinking the contents" continued Ms Handwringer. "Once we have conducted our research and published the impartial findings DumBooze will be calling on the government to implement badly constructed knee-jerk regulations to limit the opportunity for these increasingly frequent tragedies to occur."
It is expected that, following on from the example set by the anti-smoking lobby, DumBooze will label unopened containers as "fourth hand alcohol" and call for restrictive new regulations to prevent ordinary people from coming into contact with this dangerous substance.
Industry experts were quick to point out that staff in supermarkets who are employed to restock the shelves at night are entirely healthy, happy, well balanced and intelligent individuals which proves beyond doubt that the charges raised against packaged alcohol must be false. "Night-time supermarket shelf stackers are among the happiest, healthiest, most intelligent sector of the population" giggled the industry expert "which, erm, proves beyond doubt that their claim is entirely fictitious."
The charity DumBooze is to lobby health ministers for £3 million later this week so they can carry out their study.
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4 comments:
You nearly had me there, but referring to knee jerk reactions just about gave it away.
You've given me a fantastic idea to pitch to iDave's new 'Big Society' co-ordinators... ;)
Drunk-drowned people should refer alcoholism treatment to experts and people-in-concern as prompt as they could. Aside from seeking medical attention, these people should be refreshed of the effects of alcohol to themselves and to the people around them.
"Drunk-drowned people should refer alcoholism treatment to experts"
I don't wish to be pedantic xyzseira but surely if someone is drowned the chances of them attending the private clinics that you are linking to are somewhere close to zero? Drowned people tend not to be able to do much (given that they are dead). Apart from the zombies.
Please take your evangelical bullshit and fuck off somewhere else? thanks.
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