[check against delivery]
Good morning.
After the events of the 8th January this year, when a team bus on the way to a game was attacked by armed gunmen, we at CAF have decided that action needs to be taken to prevent a recurrence in future tournaments. To that end we have banned Togo from the competition for two years and fined them the sum of fifty thousand US dollars.
This swift and decisive action on our part will reduce the possibility of further terrorist ambushes on teams coming to play in the finals. Violent criminals will soon realise that we will not allow them to murder players under our protection without there being consequences. Should another team be attacked then they will face a 5 year exclusion from the competition and their association will have a $500,000 fine imposed.
The Confederation of African Football would also like to take this opportunity to remind local associations that under no circumstances may dead players be fielded, or named on the bench, for any competitive games that fall within our jurisdiction.
Does anyone have any questions?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Kids eh? They grow up fast these days don't they. This reply hit my inbox from my 9 year old son and caused a drink/keyboard moment.
dementia
Two Essex nurses have devised a new tool to help with patients suffering from dementia. The Tiptree Box, piloted at Colchester hospital, distracts engages and comforts dementia sufferers to reduce levels of anxiety with a number of items including dusters, pens and envelopes.
One of the creators of the device described how it works. "When patients with dementia are taken out of a familiar environment and go to a strange hospital, they often become more confused, feel displaced, have high levels of anxiety and wander around the ward."
"By giving the patient a duster at least they can make themselves useful by cleaning up as they wander around instead of just getting in the fucking way."
One of the creators of the device described how it works. "When patients with dementia are taken out of a familiar environment and go to a strange hospital, they often become more confused, feel displaced, have high levels of anxiety and wander around the ward."
"By giving the patient a duster at least they can make themselves useful by cleaning up as they wander around instead of just getting in the fucking way."
Saturday, January 30, 2010
discrimination
Supermarkets are possibly breaking discrimination laws by treating everyone the same according to the BBC this morning. The practice by supermarkets of limiting free parking to 2 hours to prevent people treating their land as a free public carpark has come heavily under fire.
In a balanced, responsible, pieces being broadcast all morning on BBC1 both of the presenters, the roving reporter, a lawyer and a mouthpiece from a charity (that received over £100k from government sources last year) all rounded on the eeevvvvviiiiilllll supermarkets for treating people exactly the same way irrespective of their physical condition.
"It is utterly despicable" one hand-wringer opined "that these massive corporations should be applying equality laws in this way. The brilliant legislation that this government has forced through is designed to make people give special advantage to the disabled, not treat them the same as everyone else."
"How dare they impose conditions on how people use their private property" said a motoring pressure group spokesman "it's another stealth tax on motorists. It's wrong that they should be allowed to decide how we use their property."
"Back to how bad this is for disabled people," interrupted the strident female presenter "we've had an email from a man, erm Steve in Blackpool, who says his disabled mother struggles to get round the supermarket, then sit talking to her friends in the cafe for an hour, all within a 2 hour time limit. So that's proven it really hasn't it? The supermarkets are deliberately snaring people by offering all of these extra services on site. They are pure evil. And they are definitely operating a policy of discrimination."
"What the supermarkets should introduce is a two tier system of time limits in their car parks" said the hand wringer. "One for able bodied people and one for disabled people. That way the disabled will not face discrimination that they currently do."
In a balanced, responsible, pieces being broadcast all morning on BBC1 both of the presenters, the roving reporter, a lawyer and a mouthpiece from a charity (that received over £100k from government sources last year) all rounded on the eeevvvvviiiiilllll supermarkets for treating people exactly the same way irrespective of their physical condition.
"It is utterly despicable" one hand-wringer opined "that these massive corporations should be applying equality laws in this way. The brilliant legislation that this government has forced through is designed to make people give special advantage to the disabled, not treat them the same as everyone else."
"How dare they impose conditions on how people use their private property" said a motoring pressure group spokesman "it's another stealth tax on motorists. It's wrong that they should be allowed to decide how we use their property."
"Back to how bad this is for disabled people," interrupted the strident female presenter "we've had an email from a man, erm Steve in Blackpool, who says his disabled mother struggles to get round the supermarket, then sit talking to her friends in the cafe for an hour, all within a 2 hour time limit. So that's proven it really hasn't it? The supermarkets are deliberately snaring people by offering all of these extra services on site. They are pure evil. And they are definitely operating a policy of discrimination."
"What the supermarkets should introduce is a two tier system of time limits in their car parks" said the hand wringer. "One for able bodied people and one for disabled people. That way the disabled will not face discrimination that they currently do."
Friday, January 29, 2010
med3 4/10
From April this year if you are sick and need to see a doctor they may well hand you one of the brand new fit notes to give to your employer. Re-branding them won't make a difference. Most people will still call them sicknotes.
According to Direct.gov your GP can add some advice for your employer on how simple changes to the job you do may allow you to return to work earlier.Unless every GP becomes expert in every possible set of working conditions and every possible illness and their affect on each other then the advice is meaningless.
new powers
The police have acquired new powers to stop, search and confiscate alcohol from citizens they suspect are underage without having to prove they intended to consume it. This latest implementation of legislation enacted in the Thought Crimes Bill (2008) is part of the ongoing rollout of new laws that started in 1997.
Also included in the bill is the provision for officers to give "Just piss off and go home" notices to children as young as 10 who they think might cause trouble at some point in the near future. The previous lower limit for these notices was 16 years old.
Police officers can't wait to put their new powers into practice. "Removing the need to actually prove that a crime has been committed" said one officer "and allowing us to act on laws that we think citizens might be thinking of breaking will make our work considerably easier."
Also included in the bill is the provision for officers to give "Just piss off and go home" notices to children as young as 10 who they think might cause trouble at some point in the near future. The previous lower limit for these notices was 16 years old.
Police officers can't wait to put their new powers into practice. "Removing the need to actually prove that a crime has been committed" said one officer "and allowing us to act on laws that we think citizens might be thinking of breaking will make our work considerably easier."
fight!
A scuffle broke out in an 'adult entertainment' venue in Sussex between the girls working there and the nuns from a local convent. On paper it should have been an easy victory for the ladies of god based on their size and demeanour but the eventual outcome surprised all who saw the encounter.
The convent ladies were doing well until the intervention of Bertha 'Sindeliscious' Brunswick. Dressed as a naughty stewardess the 'exotic dancer' high kicked and jiggled her way into the fracas taking out nuns left and right in a display of defensive dancing, the like of which has not been seen before in this country.
The nuns retreated; battered, bruised, wimples askew while the employees of the club rallied round and remounted their poles for a celebratory routine.
CCTV footage of the incident has been sequestered by the SAS after reports that the one handed aggressive thong techniques employed by Sindeliscious were of exceptional quality. They are even considering offering her a position as a trainer for 22 regiment.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
speeding
We've all been there haven't we gentlemen? Safely driving along a motorway, conscientiously sticking to the speed limit while we transport either our wives or mothers from point A to point B, when they accuse us of going a bit too fast. "Slow down" they chide. "You're going too fast" as they pointedly stare at the rev counter. Well, if you own one of those safe, dependable, reliable Toyota cars it may not actually be your fault.
When you saw granny wheelspin away in her brand new Toyota Yaris you thought that maybe her stiff knee had caused her to accelerate so aggressively as she struggled to find the comfort angle. You yourself know the pain of the condition as you've used it as an excuse for your excess speed on a number of occasions.
It might be, though, that neither you, granny, or your inherited stiffness are to blame. Toyota have admitted that they have a batch of faulty accelerator pedals that could be causing the issue. So if you find yourself caught on a speed camera, and you're driving a Toyota, well, it would be wrong of me to suggest a defence .. .. wouldn't it?
I believe it's your round next?
When you saw granny wheelspin away in her brand new Toyota Yaris you thought that maybe her stiff knee had caused her to accelerate so aggressively as she struggled to find the comfort angle. You yourself know the pain of the condition as you've used it as an excuse for your excess speed on a number of occasions.
It might be, though, that neither you, granny, or your inherited stiffness are to blame. Toyota have admitted that they have a batch of faulty accelerator pedals that could be causing the issue. So if you find yourself caught on a speed camera, and you're driving a Toyota, well, it would be wrong of me to suggest a defence .. .. wouldn't it?
I believe it's your round next?
trend
NHS statistics for the number of under 18s admitted to hospital with alcohol related conditions were released this week. The Telegraph complied with current government policy and produced the sensationalist headline above but the figures they reproduce in the article itself paint a different picture.
In 2006/7 the number of cases of hospital admissions of under age drinkers where alcohol was the primary factor was 5,904
In 2007/8 the number of cases of hospital admissions of under age drinkers where alcohol was the primary factor was 5,582
In 2008/9 the number of cases of hospital admissions of under age drinkers where alcohol was the primary factor was 4,736
Can you spot a trend there?
I'm no statistician but to me that looks like a definite downward trend. Less underage drinkers are coming to harm while under the influence than in the previous two years.
brewers droop
Chaos erupted last night as Treasury enforcers broke up an Alcohol Concern celebration for the recently published off-trade beer sales figures. Relations between the Treasury and Alcohol Concern have been strained since the report revealed that beer sales have plunged by the largest amount in recorded history. The resulting loss of tax revenue could seriously undermine the economic stability of the country.
The Treasury promised to entirely withdraw all funding for anti-alcohol charities. "We pay them to do a job" said a senior enforcer "not to fuck us over like this. We lose money, they lose money. Let's see them survive on public donations."
Concern mounts for Don Shenker who was not seen or heard mouthing off about the dangers of alcohol this morning. His friend is worried that while Don managed to avoid the raid last night (he went home after the lemonade toasting of their success) he may have been subsequently abducted and taken to a high security taxation facility.
Media organisations were also caught flatfooted by the figures. Frantic calls were made to their stock image providers. The obligatory picture of a Burberry cap wearing acne ridden chav teen swigging from a can of high strength lager is no longer representative of what is actually happening in run down parks across the country as a single bottle of vodka is much easier to steal than a case of beer. Photographers have been dispatched to capture the true spirit of problem teen drinkers.
The Treasury promised to entirely withdraw all funding for anti-alcohol charities. "We pay them to do a job" said a senior enforcer "not to fuck us over like this. We lose money, they lose money. Let's see them survive on public donations."
Concern mounts for Don Shenker who was not seen or heard mouthing off about the dangers of alcohol this morning. His friend is worried that while Don managed to avoid the raid last night (he went home after the lemonade toasting of their success) he may have been subsequently abducted and taken to a high security taxation facility.
Media organisations were also caught flatfooted by the figures. Frantic calls were made to their stock image providers. The obligatory picture of a Burberry cap wearing acne ridden chav teen swigging from a can of high strength lager is no longer representative of what is actually happening in run down parks across the country as a single bottle of vodka is much easier to steal than a case of beer. Photographers have been dispatched to capture the true spirit of problem teen drinkers.
attractive
Political parties may be forced to rethink their selection strategies after research revealed that people are less likely to vote for a munter than previously thought. Picking attractive candidates could make the difference between victory and defeat on May 6th May 27th June 10th election day. People are more interested in whether or not they could have a satisfying wank-fantasy over the candidate rather than their achievements or qualifications.
"We have looked at the study's results with great interest" said a senior Labour Party NEC member, "and it will form an integral part of our election strategy. We know that we don't have a whelk's chance in a supernova of winning the election with the mingers that are currently elected MPs."
"On Friday John Prescott, Margaret Beckett, Peter Hain, Diane Abbot, Jacqui Smith, Yvette Cooper, Phil Woolas and Bob Ainsworth are among those who will come forward to announce their resignations. On Saturday we will reveal their replacements. I don't want to give away any details but Simon Cowell will need to find another female judge for X-Factor this year. Nudge nudge, wink wink."
He then leaked a document to the gathered press that outlined the rest of the secret candidates that will be revealed on Saturday. They include David Beckham, Myleene Klass, Richard Hammond, Emma Watson, Joanna Lumley and the bloke from the diet coke 'lift' advert provided that his passport arrives in time.
"We have looked at the study's results with great interest" said a senior Labour Party NEC member, "and it will form an integral part of our election strategy. We know that we don't have a whelk's chance in a supernova of winning the election with the mingers that are currently elected MPs."
"On Friday John Prescott, Margaret Beckett, Peter Hain, Diane Abbot, Jacqui Smith, Yvette Cooper, Phil Woolas and Bob Ainsworth are among those who will come forward to announce their resignations. On Saturday we will reveal their replacements. I don't want to give away any details but Simon Cowell will need to find another female judge for X-Factor this year. Nudge nudge, wink wink."
He then leaked a document to the gathered press that outlined the rest of the secret candidates that will be revealed on Saturday. They include David Beckham, Myleene Klass, Richard Hammond, Emma Watson, Joanna Lumley and the bloke from the diet coke 'lift' advert provided that his passport arrives in time.
remembrance
At 11 o'clock this morning I, like many others around the continent, will stand with head bowed in silence for two minutes to remember the lost and fallen from the last 12 months. Join us marking the European Council designated Data Protection Day, January 28th each year, in this way to pay tribute to the data lost, the details mislaid, the DVDs and CDs and laptops that are no longer in their owner's possession.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
inequality
Listening to Ms Harriet during PMQs today I was most surprised to hear her say
we think that inequality matters for the individual, for opportunity, for the economy and for a more peaceful society
another fine
Susan Boyle is to be fined after scaring the burglar who entered her house last night. Magistrates decided that showing her face without makeup was an unnecessary escalation of the situation and falls outside of 'reasonable force'. The level of penalty will be decided at a later date and Subo will be informed by post of the decision.
terror
A burglar is being comforted by friends today after accidentally attempting to ransack the home of Susan Boyle last night. He'd managed to jemmy one of the back windows and climb in when his ordeal began.
"I'd made it into the hallway when I heard a key in the front door" he said. "Naturally I froze but nothing could prepare me for the horror I was about to face."
"She walked in and flicked the hallway light on and I was confronted by a close-up of her face. I did the thing that most people in that situation would do - I screamed and ran away as fast as possible."
Victim Support Officers will attend his home today to offer support and counselling services.
fines
New guidance has been issued to Parking Infringement Detection Officers to clarify guidance previously issued by their employers, the City of London Corporation. From today any car displaying an invalid, out of date, or ineligible ticket will receive a parking fine. The PIDO's were failing to apply fines to vehicles that were displaying incorrect parking tickets if they also displayed a valid ticket.
"It's really quite simple" said the corporation "so simple in fact that anyone should be able to understand. One ticket, the correct one, no more no less and the vehicle will not get a parking fine. Anything number other than one and the vehicle owner has broken the law and faces a £120 fine."
Accusations of blatant profiteering were denied by a senior PIDO. "This is not about revenue collection" he said, "this is about speeding up the service we provide for the corporation. When we have to check two or three tickets to see if one is valid that wastes valuable time when we could be fining another vehicle owner."
Locals listened with increasingly incredulous expressions to the pronouncement. "What?" said one "We will be fined £120 for having a valid parking permit displayed correctly in our cars? That's fucking insane!"
riding
Police swooped on the X-Factor studio to question Simon Cowell after allegations surfaced that he had paid a young boy £5,000 for 'riding services'. The area was sealed off and details are sketchy at this time but what we do know is shocking.
A recorded interview with Cowell is being studied for clues. He said "I think what Charlie did is amazing and we can all learn from him, he's astonishing. There aren't many adults who have ever raised so much money for a child of his age. I think it's great that children like Charlie can stand up and quite frankly put the rest of us to shame."
Cowell has previously visited the family home and talked extensively with the boy's mother, gaining her trust and access to the boy. Apparently the 'ride' in question happened on Sunday 24th January this year.
The other X-Factor judges are understandably shocked by the allegations. Cheryl hid her mouth and refused to comment. Louis Walsh reacted angrily. "I've always been the one to take care of the boys" he said. "I'll feel really let down by Simon if this turns out to be true. I may even threaten to quit the show again." No-one really cares what the other judge thinks.
A recorded interview with Cowell is being studied for clues. He said "I think what Charlie did is amazing and we can all learn from him, he's astonishing. There aren't many adults who have ever raised so much money for a child of his age. I think it's great that children like Charlie can stand up and quite frankly put the rest of us to shame."
Cowell has previously visited the family home and talked extensively with the boy's mother, gaining her trust and access to the boy. Apparently the 'ride' in question happened on Sunday 24th January this year.
The other X-Factor judges are understandably shocked by the allegations. Cheryl hid her mouth and refused to comment. Louis Walsh reacted angrily. "I've always been the one to take care of the boys" he said. "I'll feel really let down by Simon if this turns out to be true. I may even threaten to quit the show again." No-one really cares what the other judge thinks.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
named?
ConstantlyFurious had the link to this site for you to find out how many people in the USA share your name. My results are above and, erm, I'm a little amused / confused by the statistic that "80% of people with the first name Man are male". 1500 women are called Man?
You crazy yanks.
single
A decision by the Brit Award selection committee to nominate Cheryl Cole for the category of Best British Single has created a bit of a fuss. Celebrity gossip mags have exploded with activity at the news.
"We had absolutely no idea she was thinking of leaving him" said senior gossip Selina Slag. "It's brilliant news. Our circulation always lifts when a prominent celebrity couple separates and it means that Ashley is officially back in circulation. He'll shag anything with tits so I'm going to get me some premier league action!"
"We had absolutely no idea she was thinking of leaving him" said senior gossip Selina Slag. "It's brilliant news. Our circulation always lifts when a prominent celebrity couple separates and it means that Ashley is officially back in circulation. He'll shag anything with tits so I'm going to get me some premier league action!"
spot the mistake
This video is a virtual drive through of a planned one-way system through the St Augustine's area of Norwich. Can you spot the hideous error? That's right! There's nowhere near the correct level of traffic or pedestrian activity*.
Town planners continue to promote ridiculous 'upgrades' to road layouts with glossy hi-tech 'ideal world' presentations without even a nod to actual conditions. Then, when congestion rises, councils propose charging motorists to reduce the number of vehicles entering the area.
Pay for fucking up the road system, pay again to use the fucked up road system. Can anyone spot a cheaper solution?
*If you know the local area you might also spot that a number of roads and buildings have been replaced by countryside.
questions
Michael Gove asks a question at 18:45 in the video here. The exchange continues for about five minutes. Compare and contrast his tone with the increasingly irate tone of the reply from Ed Balls.
What do you see in that exchange? An increasingly irate and aggressive government minister who is under pressure, a smug shadow minister who believes his counterpart is on the ropes, or both of those things? Both men seem to be convinced that their stance over the report into the incident is the correct course of action but their style of delivery is worlds apart.
I'm not sure which is more sinister. The shouty style that Balls adopts or the almost hypnotic voice of Gove.
What do you see in that exchange? An increasingly irate and aggressive government minister who is under pressure, a smug shadow minister who believes his counterpart is on the ropes, or both of those things? Both men seem to be convinced that their stance over the report into the incident is the correct course of action but their style of delivery is worlds apart.
I'm not sure which is more sinister. The shouty style that Balls adopts or the almost hypnotic voice of Gove.
action
Thousands of Irish public sector workers are to begin a national work-to-rule protest at the appalling condition of the economy. From tomorrow they have pledged to leave their Bookface accounts alone and to stay off Twitter while at work. They're hoping that the massive increase in efficiency within the sector will help to get the country moving again.
Understandably their managers are more than a little upset. "I've spent years of my life trying to encourage as many people as I can to do as little as possible" said one "and this is how the fuckers repay me?"
The Union for Senior Public Area Service Managers has held a ballot for strike action. "Our members won't take this lying down" said their shop steward. "It seriously undermines their position and their potential for future employment."
Pundits are suggesting that the work-to-rule will last less than a week as the lure of the internet and 2 hour lunch-breaks proves irresistible.
Understandably their managers are more than a little upset. "I've spent years of my life trying to encourage as many people as I can to do as little as possible" said one "and this is how the fuckers repay me?"
The Union for Senior Public Area Service Managers has held a ballot for strike action. "Our members won't take this lying down" said their shop steward. "It seriously undermines their position and their potential for future employment."
Pundits are suggesting that the work-to-rule will last less than a week as the lure of the internet and 2 hour lunch-breaks proves irresistible.
mockery
Revelations from a series of FoI requests are likely to anger many public sector workers. Council chiefs, it has been revealed, are spending hundreds of thousands of pounds employing consultants to ridicule the staff that work under them.
The 'Mock Inspectors', as they are referred to in private emails that are fired between senior level managers, are invited in to the offices to interview those targeted for derision. The consultation is covertly recorded then the 'best bits' are edited together and uploaded to an invitation only, password protected, server.
Employees who have the role of completing safety checklists often bear the brunt of particularly savage attacks in the email exchanges. Allusions to their sexual habits are common including many lewd references to 'putting the cross in the wrong box'.
We spoke to one of the mock inspectors, from the firm Crap ConsoLutions, who said he 'frequently' interviewed front-line employees that were 'not working' and could be visibly 'horrific'. "There was no 'potential' among any of the secretaries" he said. "They were all total mingers and two of them had possibly the worst speech impediments I've ever encountered. You can't say fairer than that. Well, they certainly couldn't."
The 'Mock Inspectors', as they are referred to in private emails that are fired between senior level managers, are invited in to the offices to interview those targeted for derision. The consultation is covertly recorded then the 'best bits' are edited together and uploaded to an invitation only, password protected, server.
Employees who have the role of completing safety checklists often bear the brunt of particularly savage attacks in the email exchanges. Allusions to their sexual habits are common including many lewd references to 'putting the cross in the wrong box'.
We spoke to one of the mock inspectors, from the firm Crap ConsoLutions, who said he 'frequently' interviewed front-line employees that were 'not working' and could be visibly 'horrific'. "There was no 'potential' among any of the secretaries" he said. "They were all total mingers and two of them had possibly the worst speech impediments I've ever encountered. You can't say fairer than that. Well, they certainly couldn't."
Monday, January 25, 2010
what the fuck?
Either this is an elaborately constructed hoax or .. .. .. ..
Nah, it'll never make it.
The Bill (pdf) is fun to read through.
Found via ByrneTofferings
Nah, it'll never make it.
The Bill (pdf) is fun to read through.
Found via ByrneTofferings
greener
Citizens of Derbyshire are excited by the news that new environmentally friendly buses will soon be rolled out on a number of routes across the county. A new route numbering system is also being introduced to highlight the next generationness of the new vehicles.
From next Monday the number 71 will become the 7.1 and the number 72 will change to the 7.2 to bring route numbering bang up to date. The excitingly named se7ens services have also been adapted to accommodate more buggies or wheelchairs in accordance with latest guidelines.
"Our new vehicles are brilliant" said senior ticket inspector Trent Barton. "They are more comfortable, have better access for women with buggies and the green colour scheme should keep all of those ecomentalists happy."
From next Monday the number 71 will become the 7.1 and the number 72 will change to the 7.2 to bring route numbering bang up to date. The excitingly named se7ens services have also been adapted to accommodate more buggies or wheelchairs in accordance with latest guidelines.
"Our new vehicles are brilliant" said senior ticket inspector Trent Barton. "They are more comfortable, have better access for women with buggies and the green colour scheme should keep all of those ecomentalists happy."
rescue
A Southampton teenager is getting really fed up with people taking the piss out of him after the fire service was called to rescue him from a tree. His friends just won't let it drop. From jokes about hoses and helmets to offering to help him with the simplest tasks they have mercilessly ribbed him about the incident.
Worried onlookers had attempted to coax him down for over an hour but he refused again and again. In the end they were left with no option but to call the emergency services. Nine firefighter arrived and after ladders and safety ropes were deployed they quickly resolved the situation and brought the teenager down from the tree.
"It's quite an unusual situation for us to attend this type of shout" said Leading Firefighter Samantha Jones. "It's much more common for us to be rescuing cats rather than young men. Although it does make a nice change from putting out fires."
Worried onlookers had attempted to coax him down for over an hour but he refused again and again. In the end they were left with no option but to call the emergency services. Nine firefighter arrived and after ladders and safety ropes were deployed they quickly resolved the situation and brought the teenager down from the tree.
"It's quite an unusual situation for us to attend this type of shout" said Leading Firefighter Samantha Jones. "It's much more common for us to be rescuing cats rather than young men. Although it does make a nice change from putting out fires."
limits
Four out of five teetotallers in Scotland support a reduction of the drink-drive limit according to a poll conducted by the Scottish government. The pollsters managed to track down all 1008 non-drinking Scots and ask them "Should we criminalise more drinkers for no reason?" and 79% of them said yes.
The SNP have leapt on the figures. They believe it supports their twin aims of further demonising alcohol and also trying to grab as much power for themselves as possible.
The number of people caught drink-driving at Christmas has fallen by around 25% for the last two years, from 839 arrests in 2007, to 654 in 2008 to 490 in 2009, and the SNP are concerned that this reduction of revenue may seriously impact on their ability to frivolously spend cash on their pet projects. By reducing the maximum permitted amount of blood alcohol it is hoped that more motorists can be penalised and the revenue stream unblocked.
"It's all very well people complying with the law" said a senior SNP accountant this morning "but it totally buggers up our spending plans. Without this festive tax revenue boost we will be bankrupt before the end of January. Lowering the cut-off point will criminalise a whole new section of the population and realise a taxation potential previously untapped."
The SNP have leapt on the figures. They believe it supports their twin aims of further demonising alcohol and also trying to grab as much power for themselves as possible.
The number of people caught drink-driving at Christmas has fallen by around 25% for the last two years, from 839 arrests in 2007, to 654 in 2008 to 490 in 2009, and the SNP are concerned that this reduction of revenue may seriously impact on their ability to frivolously spend cash on their pet projects. By reducing the maximum permitted amount of blood alcohol it is hoped that more motorists can be penalised and the revenue stream unblocked.
"It's all very well people complying with the law" said a senior SNP accountant this morning "but it totally buggers up our spending plans. Without this festive tax revenue boost we will be bankrupt before the end of January. Lowering the cut-off point will criminalise a whole new section of the population and realise a taxation potential previously untapped."
Sunday, January 24, 2010
irish mail on sunday
The Irish Mail on Sunday is Ireland’s premiere female facing Sunday mid-market tabloid newspaper.. .. .. From hard-hitting news stories to page turning entertainment exclusives, harrowing true life stories .. .. .. Take a glimpse at just what we have to offer and soon you’ll be seeing Sundays in a whole new light
That would be stories like this (large scale double page scan)?
Melanie must be excited to see Luke Byrne tell her story in such a prominent spread? I'm guessing not from this blog post.
That would be stories like this (large scale double page scan)?
Melanie must be excited to see Luke Byrne tell her story in such a prominent spread? I'm guessing not from this blog post.
lured
All manner of homosexual delights are being offered in an effort to lure gays from the US to visit the South coast town Brighton. Councillors from the city are in a flap because of rumours that they may lose their Largest Gay Borough Tiara.
The camp-aign aims to target repressed as well as open homosexuals from the USA. Bi-sexuals, buy-sexuals and bi-curious yanks have traditionally headed to the bright lights of London. Rather than flouncing off and crying into a large tumbler of gin and tonic Brighton has decided to get out there and flaunt it to let them know what they're missing in revenge.
Images of sun drenched beaches, couples enjoying a relaxed party atmosphere and the cosmopolitan culture that embodies the ethos of the city will be used in the glitzy advertising push. It is hoped that they will drag in many new visitors.
timing
Three stories that appear together from the Telegraph RSS feed that tell a story by themselves.
Firstly
Gordon Brown orders courts to be fairer to householders
followed by
Gordon Brown has 'knee jerk' approach to making policy, claim former civil servants
nicely finished off with
Government considers doubling council tax on second homes
Saturday, January 23, 2010
threat level
The government remains tight lipped as to why it raised the threat level today but I can exclusively reveal the reason here and now. The unexplained absence of the blogger dungeekin is to blame.
Doctors have confirmed that the geek from Oxfordshire is the first human to contract the conficker virus. Some confusion remains as to the exact method of transference from the electronic to biological but researchers currently believe that the P2P Push/Pull protocol may be the crucial link.
IT specialists are working closely with medical researchers to come up with some kind of cure, possibly in patch form, that will halt the spread of the virus. Until they make a breakthrough it's possible that other humans may unknowingly contract the virus.
Doctors have confirmed that the geek from Oxfordshire is the first human to contract the conficker virus. Some confusion remains as to the exact method of transference from the electronic to biological but researchers currently believe that the P2P Push/Pull protocol may be the crucial link.
IT specialists are working closely with medical researchers to come up with some kind of cure, possibly in patch form, that will halt the spread of the virus. Until they make a breakthrough it's possible that other humans may unknowingly contract the virus.
subliminal
The Sun risks the wrath of Temperance Acolytes today by sneaking this subliminal advert onto their website today. Sat alongside a story of unusual objects removed from the anal passages of embarrassed patients, so that most people would absorb the message without realising, this encouragement to drink will surely be condemned within the hour.
know yourself
The government is in the process of developing an online tool to identify bigots in an attempt to increase the number of stigmatised employers in the country. Once the 'Know Yourself' test has been designed, written, redesigned and then rewritten again the live beta version will be uploaded to the internet.
Employers will be encouraged to take the test to see how racist they are. Scores will range from BNP - KKK. Anyone taking the test will be required to print off directions to their local Facility for Learning About Negative Group Ethnic Stereotypes Centre for immediate re-education. Anyone who refuses to voluntarily take the test will be instantly assumed to be a racist and ordered to attend a FLANGES Centre for re-education.
"Using the internet is much more efficient than our existing model of spotting racists" said the minister in charge of the project. "Up until now we've had to rely on the public to report instances of racism but this new survey will speed that up dramatically. There will be no need for expensive investigations. Anyone who takes the test will be deemed racist, as will anyone who doesn't take the test. I'm sure you can agree that the savings to the public purse will be massive."
Employers will be encouraged to take the test to see how racist they are. Scores will range from BNP - KKK. Anyone taking the test will be required to print off directions to their local Facility for Learning About Negative Group Ethnic Stereotypes Centre for immediate re-education. Anyone who refuses to voluntarily take the test will be instantly assumed to be a racist and ordered to attend a FLANGES Centre for re-education.
"Using the internet is much more efficient than our existing model of spotting racists" said the minister in charge of the project. "Up until now we've had to rely on the public to report instances of racism but this new survey will speed that up dramatically. There will be no need for expensive investigations. Anyone who takes the test will be deemed racist, as will anyone who doesn't take the test. I'm sure you can agree that the savings to the public purse will be massive."
rickets
Scary-looking new evidence was produced on the front page of The Metro yesterday that blamed the rise of child rickets on video games and social networking sites. According to the report 100 cases of child rickets reported in the UK each year.
The report is keen to stress that kids playing more video games is the cause of rickets while totally fails to acknowledge that years of nanny-statism has prevented kids from playing outdoors. Only last year the BBC ran any number of scare stories about the risks of exposure to the sun. This kind of reporting isn't new; the BBC has stories from as far back as 2000 and 1998 warning of the dangers of exposing your skin to the sun. Is it any wonder that, coupled with the increased reporting of the paedophile threat, that parents try to keep their kids indoors more than they used to?
Is it any wonder then that children, prevented from playing outside, look to other forms of entertainment? Video games, social networking sites, computers, allow them to form or maintain the relationships with their friends that they would have done in the street. If they were allowed out in the sun that is. Video games are not the cause of rickets.
The report is keen to stress that kids playing more video games is the cause of rickets while totally fails to acknowledge that years of nanny-statism has prevented kids from playing outdoors. Only last year the BBC ran any number of scare stories about the risks of exposure to the sun. This kind of reporting isn't new; the BBC has stories from as far back as 2000 and 1998 warning of the dangers of exposing your skin to the sun. Is it any wonder that, coupled with the increased reporting of the paedophile threat, that parents try to keep their kids indoors more than they used to?
Is it any wonder then that children, prevented from playing outside, look to other forms of entertainment? Video games, social networking sites, computers, allow them to form or maintain the relationships with their friends that they would have done in the street. If they were allowed out in the sun that is. Video games are not the cause of rickets.
returned
President Obama took the bold step of returning his Nobel Peace prize after he failed in his promise to close Guantanamo Bay within his first twelve months of office. Senior sources in the White House indicated that The President felt it would be wrong to keep the award after he failed to cross the first hurdle.
The panel that had awarded him the prize for 'the things that he might do' rather than on his actual achievements were still hopeful that he would deliver at least one of his bold promises. They told him to hold onto the award for now just in case he actually delivered. Late into last night they were busy looking through all of the contenders for this year's award desperately trying to find a suitable winner who had actually achieved something positive to be interviewed.
Persistent rumours indicate that for the third year in a row Ed Balls has nominated Gordon Brown for the Nobel Peace Prize. We put this suggestion to one of the panel who burst out laughing.
The panel that had awarded him the prize for 'the things that he might do' rather than on his actual achievements were still hopeful that he would deliver at least one of his bold promises. They told him to hold onto the award for now just in case he actually delivered. Late into last night they were busy looking through all of the contenders for this year's award desperately trying to find a suitable winner who had actually achieved something positive to be interviewed.
Persistent rumours indicate that for the third year in a row Ed Balls has nominated Gordon Brown for the Nobel Peace Prize. We put this suggestion to one of the panel who burst out laughing.
Friday, January 22, 2010
legless
Heather Mills is urging people to send their unwanted prosthetic limbs, crutches and wheelchairs to Haiti. Heathermills.org has been collecting unwanted fake limbs to recycle and is planning to ship "tons of them to Haiti".
The people of Haiti issued this plea. "Could someone stop this lunatic? We need food, water and shelter. In that order. Once we have managed to deal with the immediate crisis then we might consider sourcing replacement limbs for the injured but really it isn't top of our list of needs."
"This woman is using our plight in an effort to promote herself. Who gives a shit about her agenda? We need food, water and shelter."
The people of Haiti issued this plea. "Could someone stop this lunatic? We need food, water and shelter. In that order. Once we have managed to deal with the immediate crisis then we might consider sourcing replacement limbs for the injured but really it isn't top of our list of needs."
"This woman is using our plight in an effort to promote herself. Who gives a shit about her agenda? We need food, water and shelter."
cross days
Yet more delays beset the developers of Cross Days, the third game in a series of erotic PC titles for the Japanese market. Apparently some of the difficulties come from trying to correctly synchronise the interactive device that is sold with the game.
referendum
Gordon Brown has once again promised a referendum that will take place if Labour win at the general election. He has promised a referendum on voting reform to help boost trust in politicians if he is returned as Prime Minister.
Of course many of the public will remember the manifesto pledge that he made at the last general election for a referendum before signing a European Treaty. Many more will remember the way that Gordon went in the middle of the night and signed the treaty without actually testing the idea with the British people.
"Look" he said. "Over there! Behind you!" When we turned back again after realising that nothing was there he had already signed the new legislation without actually polling the whole country.
"It was the right thing to do" he said. "The Tories would have done nothing but I took the action that was needed."
Dianne Abbot speaking on This Week suggested that in fact the plan is to force through the commitment for a referendum before the general election. "This way" she said "it fucks the Tories whether they gain power or not."
Of course many of the public will remember the manifesto pledge that he made at the last general election for a referendum before signing a European Treaty. Many more will remember the way that Gordon went in the middle of the night and signed the treaty without actually testing the idea with the British people.
"Look" he said. "Over there! Behind you!" When we turned back again after realising that nothing was there he had already signed the new legislation without actually polling the whole country.
"It was the right thing to do" he said. "The Tories would have done nothing but I took the action that was needed."
Dianne Abbot speaking on This Week suggested that in fact the plan is to force through the commitment for a referendum before the general election. "This way" she said "it fucks the Tories whether they gain power or not."
Thursday, January 21, 2010
bedwarmers
A Holiday Inn employee is taking the company to an employment tribunal for what he describes as 'blatant sex discrimination and bullying' by his line manager. The landmark case could see laws intended to stop discrimination actually being applied to discrimination against a male for the very first time.
His application to the tribunal revolves around a promotion run by the company for human bed-warmers. He is claiming that while his co-worker (pictured above) received training for this promotion he was repeatedly turned down for the position because of his gender.
"I have all the required skills necessary to be able to perform the role" he said to gathered journalists "but was repeatedly overlooked for promotion. The advice my manager gave me was to 'lose the cock' if I wanted to get on in the company."
Legal experts are convinced that he doesn't stand a chance in hell of winning his case on account of his gender.
H/T to Allotment_Man for the link
gerard hastings
Splashed across the media today are reports about an article written by Gerard Hastings in the British Medical Journal. The article investigates the advertising aims of the alcohol companies and shows them to be targeting young people and that they are very very bad.
Professor Hastings has a bit of history in this area. His work in the areas of tobacco, alcohol and food invariably leads to calls for bans on advertising.
Here he is giving a lecture on tobacco advertising
I think it's fair to say I'm not a fan of his.
Professor Hastings has a bit of history in this area. His work in the areas of tobacco, alcohol and food invariably leads to calls for bans on advertising.
Here he is giving a lecture on tobacco advertising
I think it's fair to say I'm not a fan of his.
army
Fed up with being seen as aggressive and destructive the army is starting a campaign to update it's image. The first stage is to create a Not Blowing The Shit Out Of Things regiment based in Sutherland. The NBTSOOT regiment will initially be formed by taking existing soldiers who excel at not blowing the shit out of things from other areas of the army but an advertising campaign has been launched to ensure it reaches full strength as quickly as possible.
"Once the unit is properly established" said an MoD spokesperson "it will be tasked with training soldiers from many other nations in the skills of not blowing the shit out of things. We look forward to working very closely with our American allies in this area."
"Our armed forces are the envy of the world" he continued "and we expect that we will quickly become the leading exponents of this exciting new area of expertise. We hope that the NBTSOOT regiment will enhance the public's perception of the army and boost the morale of the troops."
"Once the unit is properly established" said an MoD spokesperson "it will be tasked with training soldiers from many other nations in the skills of not blowing the shit out of things. We look forward to working very closely with our American allies in this area."
"Our armed forces are the envy of the world" he continued "and we expect that we will quickly become the leading exponents of this exciting new area of expertise. We hope that the NBTSOOT regiment will enhance the public's perception of the army and boost the morale of the troops."
tracing
Residents in Lincolnshire are being asked to contribute materials towards an exciting new art project being run by their local police force. What started as Constable 4806's passion has now become a popular force wide initiative.
Officers begin working on tracing images from flat paper before moving onto simple 3D structures. After that their imagination, and the size of the sheet of paper, is the only limit.
The force is hoping to field a full strength team for the national tracing championships being held in Clacton in June. The winner of that competition will go forward to the prestigious international finals in Verfolgungspapier to compete against other national champions later in the year.
irony
With the rise of the identikit website it was only a matter of time before this kind of thing happened.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
e-petition (13)
What I prepose is to tax every working person £1 every three months. This lump sum can then be divided between a number of charities so they can continue to do good work.The whole fucking point of charities is that money is given through free choice and not coercion Ross.
This also means that they wont have to aggressively drum up donations via mass media and save money on advertising campaigns, putting the money to better use.
ransom
Wrexham council's executive board have voted to adopt a new money making plan. From April 2010 they will begin kidnapping supermarket trolleys and holding them to ransom.
"It works for those pirates from Somalia" said the head of the board "and we want some of that action. If we see a trolley on its own we plan to bundle it into a van and take it to a secluded location."
"From there on in we will follow the traditional route of a ransom situation. A letter demanding money will be posted to the supermarket. If they refuse to pay up we will start sending them pieces of the trolley; first a wheel, then the handle. We're confident that this will break their spirit and they'll pay us the £60 we want for its release."
Supermarket bosses in the area have confirmed that it is their policy never to give money to kidnappers or terrorists. "Any matters of this nature" said one store manager "are immediately referred to the police. We do not negotiate with criminals."
"It works for those pirates from Somalia" said the head of the board "and we want some of that action. If we see a trolley on its own we plan to bundle it into a van and take it to a secluded location."
"From there on in we will follow the traditional route of a ransom situation. A letter demanding money will be posted to the supermarket. If they refuse to pay up we will start sending them pieces of the trolley; first a wheel, then the handle. We're confident that this will break their spirit and they'll pay us the £60 we want for its release."
Supermarket bosses in the area have confirmed that it is their policy never to give money to kidnappers or terrorists. "Any matters of this nature" said one store manager "are immediately referred to the police. We do not negotiate with criminals."
scimorph
[click for bigger]
A new government website that is part of a package for all secondary school starters has been launched this week. This 'innovative science resource' site will not allow you access unless you grant it control over the webcam and microphone on your computer.
Government ministers are excited about this new opportunity. "We are really excited about this new opportunity" said a government minister. "It will condition a whole generation of children to the idea that they should allow us control of their home computers."
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
step change
The Prime Minister has unveiled a plan to get Europe out of recession. If the other countries follow his lead then it could see a rise in output of up to £436 billion (4%).
"If we go for an increase of 5% employment across the board" he said "we can really make a difference. The resulting economic expansion can only be good for jobs and families."
When a Downing Street aide explained that the "Going for Growth" strategy was not intended to include inflation or inefficiency Nokia officials rubbed their hands in glee.
"If we go for an increase of 5% employment across the board" he said "we can really make a difference. The resulting economic expansion can only be good for jobs and families."
When a Downing Street aide explained that the "Going for Growth" strategy was not intended to include inflation or inefficiency Nokia officials rubbed their hands in glee.
picking
A new government scheme that will create over 50,000 new jobs has been announced. The Why Pick Your Own? initiative has been running a small pilot in Cambridge area for the last 10 months with very positive results.
The Minister for Girls Who Look Like Boys has embraced the initiative. "When we set up the Future Jobs Fund we were looking for creative ways to spend money" she said "and this certainly meets the requirements. Money has already been made available for the first round of employment and we hope to expand on that later in the year."
The scheme is the brainchild of 13 year old Lacey Lardarse. "I had a really blocked nose one day but I couldn't summon the energy or enthusiasm to pick it" she said. "Eventually I paid my little brother 20p and he did it for me."
"From there the idea snowballed. She was paying him 20p to pick spots, 10p to pick the fluff out of her toes and 30p to pick the tops off her bedsores" added Lacey's mum. "By the end of the week she'd spent all of my benefit cheque. Now the government has backed the idea I can afford to buy booze and fags again."
If the scheme is as success there are plans to expand it into other areas. Specialist government employees will be recruited so that people won't have to go to the bother of picking things such as their jobs, the place where they live, or the people who run the country.
The Minister for Girls Who Look Like Boys has embraced the initiative. "When we set up the Future Jobs Fund we were looking for creative ways to spend money" she said "and this certainly meets the requirements. Money has already been made available for the first round of employment and we hope to expand on that later in the year."
The scheme is the brainchild of 13 year old Lacey Lardarse. "I had a really blocked nose one day but I couldn't summon the energy or enthusiasm to pick it" she said. "Eventually I paid my little brother 20p and he did it for me."
"From there the idea snowballed. She was paying him 20p to pick spots, 10p to pick the fluff out of her toes and 30p to pick the tops off her bedsores" added Lacey's mum. "By the end of the week she'd spent all of my benefit cheque. Now the government has backed the idea I can afford to buy booze and fags again."
If the scheme is as success there are plans to expand it into other areas. Specialist government employees will be recruited so that people won't have to go to the bother of picking things such as their jobs, the place where they live, or the people who run the country.
e-petitions (12)
I have to say I agree with the second signatory of the petition. Re-read the central sentence.
We therefore feel that in order to clear this matter up that cyclists should be given priority over motorised vehicles so that it is clear to other road users that should they not give cyclists the room and care they deserveHow can you demand cyclists should have priority so that other road users do not give them room? Idiot.
tampon tax
MPs are backing new calls to raise taxes on the manufacturers of ladies sanitary products to help reduce littering. The new levy is part of a long-awaited report on how Britain can turn around its throwaway culture.
Up and down the country, usually at the weekends, alleys, car parks and other badly illuminated public spaces are routinely being subjected to a torrent of discarded tampons and towels. The problem is particularly severe near to pubs, bars and clubs. A clean-up levy would force companies to take responsibility for the actions of their customers.
A proportion of the extra revenue raised would be given local councils to fund the unblocking of so-called slapper's passages. The remainder of the increased income will be channelled into the recruitment, training and deployment of Specially Licensed Uniformed Technicians who will patrol the problem areas to catch the litterbugs in the act.
"For too long the hospitality industry has been demonised for getting young people so drunk that they want to shag anyone irrespective of the surroundings or, indeed, the person or persons with whom they are coupling" said a spokesperson. "We welcome these proposals but think that they could go further. We feel that contraceptives manufacturers should also be required to contribute towards the cost of clearing up their customer's effluent."
Up and down the country, usually at the weekends, alleys, car parks and other badly illuminated public spaces are routinely being subjected to a torrent of discarded tampons and towels. The problem is particularly severe near to pubs, bars and clubs. A clean-up levy would force companies to take responsibility for the actions of their customers.
A proportion of the extra revenue raised would be given local councils to fund the unblocking of so-called slapper's passages. The remainder of the increased income will be channelled into the recruitment, training and deployment of Specially Licensed Uniformed Technicians who will patrol the problem areas to catch the litterbugs in the act.
"For too long the hospitality industry has been demonised for getting young people so drunk that they want to shag anyone irrespective of the surroundings or, indeed, the person or persons with whom they are coupling" said a spokesperson. "We welcome these proposals but think that they could go further. We feel that contraceptives manufacturers should also be required to contribute towards the cost of clearing up their customer's effluent."
drugs
Worrying new research shows that children are far too frequently making errors with drugs. The study found that many kids couldn't tell the difference between speed, coke and MDMA in blind tests.
"This highlights the failings of the education system under Labour" said the shadow minister for drug taking. "When we were last in power we had many programs in place that would have prevented this tragic situation. Our 'Drugs For Kids!' campaign was particularly successful in raising awareness among students."
"We previously announced in our report, Becoming Addicted: Secondary Education, a series of measures that we believe will remedy this disastrous shortfall in knowledge including compulsory lessons as part of the national curriculum and special classes for parents. If we win the election we intend to implement them during the first parliament."
"This highlights the failings of the education system under Labour" said the shadow minister for drug taking. "When we were last in power we had many programs in place that would have prevented this tragic situation. Our 'Drugs For Kids!' campaign was particularly successful in raising awareness among students."
"We previously announced in our report, Becoming Addicted: Secondary Education, a series of measures that we believe will remedy this disastrous shortfall in knowledge including compulsory lessons as part of the national curriculum and special classes for parents. If we win the election we intend to implement them during the first parliament."
11 reasons to vote conservative (11)
Number 11
While NewLabour are determined to relentlessly raise the taxation of anything associated with alcohol the Conservatives don't think that increasing tax is the solution.
Oh fucking hell. Is there any difference between these two parties?
literal
The wording used on signs may have to be rethought after the sad events on an Oxfordshire hospital estate yesterday. Police are performing a thorough examination of the scene and are expected to write an extensive report later this month.
Eyewitnesses suggest that the young man, conditioned by years of doing what he's told, spent a great deal of time reading the sign in the parking space before climbing into his car. He then proceeded to crash into a number of other vehicles until he finally came to a halt in a pile of smoke and twisted metal.
"This is a tragic situation" said a senior NHS trust manager. "We will of course be looking in detail at the Accident and Emergency Carpark signs to see if they have contributed to this sad incident."
Eyewitnesses suggest that the young man, conditioned by years of doing what he's told, spent a great deal of time reading the sign in the parking space before climbing into his car. He then proceeded to crash into a number of other vehicles until he finally came to a halt in a pile of smoke and twisted metal.
"This is a tragic situation" said a senior NHS trust manager. "We will of course be looking in detail at the Accident and Emergency Carpark signs to see if they have contributed to this sad incident."
Monday, January 18, 2010
ex-musicians
What do ex-musicians do when they've run out of money? It's a question that most of us never consider. Like me you probably assumed that the carousel of hotel rooms, drugs and groupies was never ending.
Only a minority of the performers that you've watched miming on ToTP manage to prolong the dream for more than a few years. A few manage to scrape a living by whoring the small amount of celebrity that they accumulated while they actually had a sprinkling of talent.
The majority, once they realise that the 15 minutes are up, that the public no longer cares for their ego fuelled rantings, resort to hanging around in salubrious nightclubs demanding "Do you know who I am?" Many die sad and lonely deaths, only separated from the carpet by a thin layer of congealing vomit.
Then there are those who, even though their star has faded, still refuse to accept it's over. They cling to the belief that they can re-ignite the fire and grace the top of the charts once again. They delude themselves that their fall is only temporary, that they will bounce back. With the tax man knocking at their door they make excuses as to why they cannot pay their due. They wrap it up in a tall tale because they dare not face up to the reality that they are living beyond their means.
It makes me sad inside when it happens so publicly.
Only a minority of the performers that you've watched miming on ToTP manage to prolong the dream for more than a few years. A few manage to scrape a living by whoring the small amount of celebrity that they accumulated while they actually had a sprinkling of talent.
The majority, once they realise that the 15 minutes are up, that the public no longer cares for their ego fuelled rantings, resort to hanging around in salubrious nightclubs demanding "Do you know who I am?" Many die sad and lonely deaths, only separated from the carpet by a thin layer of congealing vomit.
Then there are those who, even though their star has faded, still refuse to accept it's over. They cling to the belief that they can re-ignite the fire and grace the top of the charts once again. They delude themselves that their fall is only temporary, that they will bounce back. With the tax man knocking at their door they make excuses as to why they cannot pay their due. They wrap it up in a tall tale because they dare not face up to the reality that they are living beyond their means.
It makes me sad inside when it happens so publicly.
fun and games
Passions are running high in the Olympic Community over the preparations for the 2012 games. A decision by the British Olympic (London) Organising Committee to print the words 'English Channel' on the maps that will be given to competitors and high ranking officials has come under fire from all angles.
An unnamed Downing Street source said "The boss is going fucking mental. There are Nokias hitting walls all the time. The problem? He specifically stated that it would be called the British Channel in keeping with current policy of never ever using the words England or English. He's absolutely livid."
Meanwhile the French contingent, backed by the Belgians, the Germans and the Spanish, have suggested that unless the maps are reprinted with the name changed to their preferred 'La Manche' that they may well be unable to find their way to the games.
The Americans have their own concerns. "We helped you Brits out during the war" said a senior White House Aide "and yet not a single US base is remembered on this map. I think we might view that very dimly if it isn't corrected. We have already begun talks to stage our own games at the same time if y'all don't correct your mistake."
We managed to speak to one BO(L)OC member earlier. "We remain convinced that we have made the right decision. This type of event unifies nations and should not be used to drive them apart. The threats to withdraw from the games over such a minor issue are unprecedented."
An unnamed Downing Street source said "The boss is going fucking mental. There are Nokias hitting walls all the time. The problem? He specifically stated that it would be called the British Channel in keeping with current policy of never ever using the words England or English. He's absolutely livid."
Meanwhile the French contingent, backed by the Belgians, the Germans and the Spanish, have suggested that unless the maps are reprinted with the name changed to their preferred 'La Manche' that they may well be unable to find their way to the games.
The Americans have their own concerns. "We helped you Brits out during the war" said a senior White House Aide "and yet not a single US base is remembered on this map. I think we might view that very dimly if it isn't corrected. We have already begun talks to stage our own games at the same time if y'all don't correct your mistake."
We managed to speak to one BO(L)OC member earlier. "We remain convinced that we have made the right decision. This type of event unifies nations and should not be used to drive them apart. The threats to withdraw from the games over such a minor issue are unprecedented."
Sunday, January 17, 2010
bishop
Wimmins Rights campaigners have claimed a massive media victory after they managed to completely skew the reporting of the appointment of the Bishop of Glasgow and Galloway. What should have been a straightforward decision to promote the more experienced, better qualified, Dean of the diocese has been turned into a front page battle of the sexes thanks to their persistent efforts.
"This marks a total shift in reporting culture" said Vibratia Graffspot. "That the headlines should focus on the gender of the unsuccessful applicant rather than celebrating the appointee is a huge step forward for wimmins rights."
"Once the Equality Bill is enshrined in law" continued Ms Graffspot, "the compulsory introduction of all female shortlists will enable us to move our campaign to the next level. The headline 'Two women not elected as Bishop' has even greater impact and conveys an even stronger sense of inequality don't you agree?"
"This marks a total shift in reporting culture" said Vibratia Graffspot. "That the headlines should focus on the gender of the unsuccessful applicant rather than celebrating the appointee is a huge step forward for wimmins rights."
"Once the Equality Bill is enshrined in law" continued Ms Graffspot, "the compulsory introduction of all female shortlists will enable us to move our campaign to the next level. The headline 'Two women not elected as Bishop' has even greater impact and conveys an even stronger sense of inequality don't you agree?"
taxing
Questions are being asked about the future of the relationship of The Minister for Being Married to Girls Who Look Like Boys after he lays into tax proposals made by another political party today. His pronouncement that "The idea of trying to socially-engineer family life through a tax policy ... is hugely expensive and unfair" is seen by many pundits as a dig at his wife, The Minister for Girls Who Look Like Boys, who proposed tax breaks for single parent families a last month.
The pair refused to be interviewed.
The pair refused to be interviewed.
from abingdon street preparatory school
School Code Alteration: Official Notification
Dear parents, legal guardians, trust fund managers, solicitors, nannies, wet nurses and au pairs,
It has been brought to my attention by Hattie from 3C that one of the boys has taken to wearing make-up to school. Having studied the photographic evidence she presented I'm inclined to agree with her.
Boys wearing make-up does not contravene either the spirit or the letter of the current school code and as such no action will be taken against the culprit.
To bring our school code into the 21st century and comply with the forthcoming Equality legislation it is, apparently, necessary to change the rules by which untold generations of our families have abided.
In 28 days from the date of this letter the school code will be altered so that Chapter 7 (personal grooming) Section 12 (make-up) reads
Finally Chapter 11 (grooming) Section 5 (hairstyles) sub-clause ix will now read
Revised copies of the code will be available via Matron on the day of the change.
Dear parents, legal guardians, trust fund managers, solicitors, nannies, wet nurses and au pairs,
It has been brought to my attention by Hattie from 3C that one of the boys has taken to wearing make-up to school. Having studied the photographic evidence she presented I'm inclined to agree with her.
Boys wearing make-up does not contravene either the spirit or the letter of the current school code and as such no action will be taken against the culprit.
To bring our school code into the 21st century and comply with the forthcoming Equality legislation it is, apparently, necessary to change the rules by which untold generations of our families have abided.
In 28 days from the date of this letter the school code will be altered so that Chapter 7 (personal grooming) Section 12 (make-up) reads
No student may wear make-up while on school premises unless given specific authorisation by a master for the purpose of contributing to the annual school stage productionAlso Chapter 9 (illness) Section 3 (women's troubles) is to be removed so that the female pupils can attend lessons throughout the academic year
Finally Chapter 11 (grooming) Section 5 (hairstyles) sub-clause ix will now read
The pulling of girl's pigtails is not permitted
Revised copies of the code will be available via Matron on the day of the change.
target
[check against delivery]
As you all know the country is still in recession. This unprecedented situation that no-one could have forecast has put great pressure on the government to devise strategies to take us through the tough times. No-one has been more hardworking than I have in trying to support families and vulnerable people.
But it's not been enough for some. Some of the middle classes, the Daily Mail readers, the home-owners, the middle income families, some of them think that running up a debt the size of a whole year's income is wrong. They would see the vulnerable made unemployed and lose their homes. They would turn their backs on them.
But not me. I cannot turn my back on those in need. Unlike the Tories I believe that we all need to share in the pain.
So today I'm announcing a new fiscal initiative to reduce the deficit that will not damage the economic recovery. As of midnight tonight anyone who owns their own home, anyone who subscribes to the Daily Mail, anyone who has ever read the Telegraph, anyone who has never voted Labour, all these people will be subjected to an income tax rate of 110 percents of their earnings between £25,000 and £65,000 per year.
With this prudent measure in place I am confident the extra revenue will quickly reduce the budget deficit, that the middle classes are demanding, without restricting the government's ability to maintain the standard of living of the poor and needy.
Further details will be available in the White Paper that will be published later today.
fear
A recent study by NHS Scotland has shown some horrifying results about alcohol consumption. Not only is the average consumption of alcohol below government the 'safe' guideline figure of 28 units per week it also hasn't risen in the last four years.
"This is a fucking disaster" said the Scottish Minster for Authoritarian Control "How the hell can we force through unwanted new legislation with results like this?"
Things were looking even worse for the puritanical fucktards in England where the average consumption is only 21.8 units per week, well within the healthy guideline, until the BBC stepped in. Thankfully they came up with a hysterical way of describing the figures by referring to the equivalent number of bottles of vodka.
"Everyone knows that vodka is the preferred beverage of the hardened alcoholic" said a BBC spokesperson. "By describing it in this way we can drive home the message that alcohol is a real problem while handily ignoring the majority of the facts. We even managed to get a quote from the Scottish Health Minister, that totally ignores the facts as presented in the report, about a big rise in alcohol consumption. Brilliant!"
We pointed out to the BBC spokesperson that this was the second report recently that was based on quantities purchased rather than consumed, and didn't take into account purchases that were delivered outside of Scotland or alcohol that was thrown away. We were immediately escorted from Television House and told to piss off.
"This is a fucking disaster" said the Scottish Minster for Authoritarian Control "How the hell can we force through unwanted new legislation with results like this?"
Things were looking even worse for the puritanical fucktards in England where the average consumption is only 21.8 units per week, well within the healthy guideline, until the BBC stepped in. Thankfully they came up with a hysterical way of describing the figures by referring to the equivalent number of bottles of vodka.
"Everyone knows that vodka is the preferred beverage of the hardened alcoholic" said a BBC spokesperson. "By describing it in this way we can drive home the message that alcohol is a real problem while handily ignoring the majority of the facts. We even managed to get a quote from the Scottish Health Minister, that totally ignores the facts as presented in the report, about a big rise in alcohol consumption. Brilliant!"
We pointed out to the BBC spokesperson that this was the second report recently that was based on quantities purchased rather than consumed, and didn't take into account purchases that were delivered outside of Scotland or alcohol that was thrown away. We were immediately escorted from Television House and told to piss off.
domestic
Rumours are circulating that Tony Blair, in between giving evidence to a war crimes tribunal, will make a startling domestic return. We tried to get an interview with him to confirm or deny the rumours but he would not talk to us. Instead Cherie spoke through her letterbox.
"I've been really depressed recently" she said. "He's been jetting off around the world, going to meetings and giving lectures in the US, while I've been left at home looking after the kids. He does this every fucking time I fire one out of my foetid womb."
"Well I've had enough. If he wants to get me up the duff then he has to take some responsibility and change a nappy once in a while. Or make the beds, do the hoovering, or even cook a meal, that kind of thing."
"I've been really depressed recently" she said. "He's been jetting off around the world, going to meetings and giving lectures in the US, while I've been left at home looking after the kids. He does this every fucking time I fire one out of my foetid womb."
"Well I've had enough. If he wants to get me up the duff then he has to take some responsibility and change a nappy once in a while. Or make the beds, do the hoovering, or even cook a meal, that kind of thing."
Saturday, January 16, 2010
friendship gift
Two speech writers for a senior health minister have been fired this morning after they failed to edit his speech in accordance with government guidelines. The critical section that should have been removed contained the quintessential truth behind the government's support for minimum alcohol pricing. The minister said minimum pricing will create larger profits for producers and that, as a thank you to the government, they should share their good fortune.
He did however deny that this would be another form of stealth taxation. "This can hardly be viewed as another form of stealth taxation" he said. "The friendship gift is not taxation at all. It is an entirely voluntary contribution to the Treasury by all alcohol related businesses as a way of saying thank you for increasing their profitability. That doesn't sound like a tax to me."
He did however deny that this would be another form of stealth taxation. "This can hardly be viewed as another form of stealth taxation" he said. "The friendship gift is not taxation at all. It is an entirely voluntary contribution to the Treasury by all alcohol related businesses as a way of saying thank you for increasing their profitability. That doesn't sound like a tax to me."
fitting
A new service to help epilepsy sufferers remember to take their medication is launched today. Subscribers get a text message flashed on their phone to remind them to take their pills.
"Many epileptics have difficulty remembering to take their medication" said Grant Mal, the head of epilepsy charity Fit For Life. "and this new scheme helps remind sufferers to keep on top of things. We had a group brainstorming session and, never wishing to go through that again, we came up with this. "
"Many epileptics have difficulty remembering to take their medication" said Grant Mal, the head of epilepsy charity Fit For Life. "and this new scheme helps remind sufferers to keep on top of things. We had a group brainstorming session and, never wishing to go through that again, we came up with this. "
evolution
Watch how this story evolves from the headline
BNP member builds arsenal to attack muslimsto the sub header
A BNP member spent a decade building up an arsenal of weapons in a bedroom hideaway that could have been used to target Muslims.to the body of the story in which the word 'muslim' doesn't appear at all. Amazing isn't it, the speed at which these things happen.
0800
Thanks to skilful negotiating by the government all calls to claim benefits will now be free. Previously calls from mobile operators were charged at standard network rates but from next week they, like landlines, will be without charge.
Yvette Balls, the Minister for Girls Who Look Like Boys, hailed the news as a brilliant step forward. "This brilliant step forward ensures that people can claim benefits as soon as they need to" she said "without having to go home first. Why should someone be forced to leave the beautiful smokefree pub or betting shop to be able to claim what is rightly theirs? Well now they won't have to. This inspired change will allow claimants access to the benefits service with the minimum amount of disruption to their lives."
Suggestions that people who need to claim benefits should probably stop using their more expensive mobiles and switch to a cheaper landline were angrily dismissed by the minister.
Yvette Balls, the Minister for Girls Who Look Like Boys, hailed the news as a brilliant step forward. "This brilliant step forward ensures that people can claim benefits as soon as they need to" she said "without having to go home first. Why should someone be forced to leave the beautiful smokefree pub or betting shop to be able to claim what is rightly theirs? Well now they won't have to. This inspired change will allow claimants access to the benefits service with the minimum amount of disruption to their lives."
Suggestions that people who need to claim benefits should probably stop using their more expensive mobiles and switch to a cheaper landline were angrily dismissed by the minister.
finland
On Thursday morning the BBC News had a piece about the intentions of the Finnish government to further tighten tobacco controls. The corresponding article on their website failed to materialise until late on Friday afternoon, and even then it tries to sneak under the radar. Finland already has some of the most authoritarian smoking laws in the EU and this year the government there wants to make it illegal to smoke in a car and also illegal for tobacco to be visible in a shop.
And where Finland leads the UK will undoubtedly follow.
And where Finland leads the UK will undoubtedly follow.
Friday, January 15, 2010
mistaken identity?
I had to laugh. Six well known figures being followed.
And me.
There really is no accounting for taste.
origins
The latest Food Standards Agency (FSA) survey of food labelling has thrown up some interesting results. They were looking at the inclusion of 'country of origin' labels on convenience food to gauge public response. When prompted 52% of people said that they looked for the label. However when the question asked was more neutral 88% of people really couldn't give a shit.
Undeterred by this resounding rejection of the labelling the FSA is determined to press on. "This is about giving consumers what they want" said a senior executive "even if they couldn't give a toss about it. We will be proposing new legislation that compels producers to change their labels to allow consumers to make properly informed choices."
We spoke to a local tradesman who was purchasing convenience food at a supermarket. "There are only two things I want to know" he said. "What I'm buying and how much it costs. I really don't give a flying monkey's fuck which country the flour that made the bread came from. No, really I don't. I want a quick, tasty bite to eat that isn't too expensive. Can't these people get a real job to help get the country back on it's feet instead of fannying around changing things that don't need changing?"
We put this question to the FSA but so far they have refused to comment.
Undeterred by this resounding rejection of the labelling the FSA is determined to press on. "This is about giving consumers what they want" said a senior executive "even if they couldn't give a toss about it. We will be proposing new legislation that compels producers to change their labels to allow consumers to make properly informed choices."
We spoke to a local tradesman who was purchasing convenience food at a supermarket. "There are only two things I want to know" he said. "What I'm buying and how much it costs. I really don't give a flying monkey's fuck which country the flour that made the bread came from. No, really I don't. I want a quick, tasty bite to eat that isn't too expensive. Can't these people get a real job to help get the country back on it's feet instead of fannying around changing things that don't need changing?"
We put this question to the FSA but so far they have refused to comment.
pig
A parent has demanded that Astley Baker Davies Studio edits the cartoons it produces to show the characters wearing seatbelts in cars. The studio has pledged that in all future episodes the central character, Peppa Pig, will only be depicted engaging in safe and legal activities.
"I cannot believe that a cartoon aimed at children would be so irresponsible as to have the main character performing so many illegal or unsafe activities." Said Symphonia Moonchild-Flange, the mother who prompted the change of direction. "That sends the wrong message to children who could endanger themselves without realising why."
"The majority of parents have no fucking idea how to control their child." said a studio representative. "It's not our fault if they can't get their little darling to put on a seatbelt. If only they had spines and/or strength of character we could continue to enjoy simple cartoons."
New government Cartoons Using Naughty Transportinterference Guidelines hurriedly introduced to combat this problem dictate that every time a character uses a vehicle there has to be
This will make the use of vehicles much safer in cartoons and transmit a positive message to children about motor use.
"I cannot believe that a cartoon aimed at children would be so irresponsible as to have the main character performing so many illegal or unsafe activities." Said Symphonia Moonchild-Flange, the mother who prompted the change of direction. "That sends the wrong message to children who could endanger themselves without realising why."
"The majority of parents have no fucking idea how to control their child." said a studio representative. "It's not our fault if they can't get their little darling to put on a seatbelt. If only they had spines and/or strength of character we could continue to enjoy simple cartoons."
New government Cartoons Using Naughty Transport
- a 5 second shot of them clipping in their seatbelt
- a 5 second shot of them smiling wearing the seatbelt
- a 10 second shot across the dashboard with a speedo visible and also a speed limit sign outside the vehicle showing that the limit is being stuck to
- once per series the character will be randomly stopped by the police and pass a breathalyser check
- once per series a VOSA inspector will stop each vehicle and perform a full check
- child seats for any character deemed to be under 1.4m tall
- from 2013 all vehicles will be depicted as environmentally friendly
- from 2020 internal combustion will be banned from children's cartoons
This will make the use of vehicles much safer in cartoons and transmit a positive message to children about motor use.
thieving grits
The Army were pulled out of Afghanistan and brought home to the UK last night to set up a cordon around government property after thieves attempted to steal it last night. Police have been drafted in from forces across the country to catch the audacious criminals.
The head of Soft Cell, the Environment Minister, reacted angrily to the news of the thefts. "Don't you bastards understand," he said "that stealing from the government is wrong? How dare you take something that belongs to us. We benevolently took control of the salt supplies for the good of the country and this is how you repay our magnanimity?"
Chief Supineintendent Rozaline Onnem, who is leading the investigation into the crime, is confident of quickly catching the culprits. She already has a number of leads and is following up reports of some suspiciously clear driveways.
If you have any further information about the crime you can call the incident room on 03463 687 4748
The head of Soft Cell, the Environment Minister, reacted angrily to the news of the thefts. "Don't you bastards understand," he said "that stealing from the government is wrong? How dare you take something that belongs to us. We benevolently took control of the salt supplies for the good of the country and this is how you repay our magnanimity?"
Chief Supineintendent Rozaline Onnem, who is leading the investigation into the crime, is confident of quickly catching the culprits. She already has a number of leads and is following up reports of some suspiciously clear driveways.
If you have any further information about the crime you can call the incident room on 03463 687 4748
flies
A brilliant new initiative to save an endangered species of fly is being proposed by the Environment Secretary. Under the new legislation being considered every single household in the country would be required to create at least one breeding habitat to prevent the eradication of the species. Households failing to comply with the minimum fly headcount will face a £500 fine.
"It's vital for the survival of this species" said the minister "that we force people to maintainslops bins kitchen caddies. This is really just an extension of our 'no-one left behind' philosophy."
"It's vital for the survival of this species" said the minister "that we force people to maintain
Thursday, January 14, 2010
eco-friendly phone
I saw this a few days ago on the core77 blog and it seemed pretty bloody amazing. The national media have picked up on it today, from the Metro to Sky News.
Based around Sony's 2007 biological battery than uses an enzyme to break down sugary liquids and create electricity this is another implementation of Green Technology that I can embrace. I wonder if the battery can be massively scaled up to run on household food waste? That would be interesting ......
decide
A senior government minister will today join forces with a clutch of comedians desperate to breathe some life into their flagging careers to launch a new national advertising campaign. Why Let You Decide aims to make people realise that the government is far better at making decisions affecting their lives than they are.
The Why Let You Decide campaign is launched ahead of the National Scale Micromanagement Green Paper to be published later this month. The forthcoming Green Paper will explore new and innovative ways to provide independent help and support to all families in Britain on every aspect of their lives. To kick-start the ‘Why let you decide?’ campaign the has been comedians gave their support to an online campaign which has since been viewed by over 58 people.
"This campaign is the start of offering clear and consistent advice for families," said the minister "by building on the recent findings of the Chief Medical Officer which show the need for extra support for parents and young people. We know that parents can have an enormous influence on their child’s behaviour and we believe, by careful micromanagement and early intervention, we can easily replicate the desired outcomes on a national scale."
The TV and radio advertisements will be supported by leaflets to be distributed to every household and a new website for parents where they can get tips and advice on how best to advise and support their child about the dangers associated with free thought.
The Why Let You Decide campaign is launched ahead of the National Scale Micromanagement Green Paper to be published later this month. The forthcoming Green Paper will explore new and innovative ways to provide independent help and support to all families in Britain on every aspect of their lives. To kick-start the ‘Why let you decide?’ campaign the has been comedians gave their support to an online campaign which has since been viewed by over 58 people.
"This campaign is the start of offering clear and consistent advice for families," said the minister "by building on the recent findings of the Chief Medical Officer which show the need for extra support for parents and young people. We know that parents can have an enormous influence on their child’s behaviour and we believe, by careful micromanagement and early intervention, we can easily replicate the desired outcomes on a national scale."
The TV and radio advertisements will be supported by leaflets to be distributed to every household and a new website for parents where they can get tips and advice on how best to advise and support their child about the dangers associated with free thought.
above average
A new policy idea emerged from the Conservatives today to help improve the nation's morale. The campaign is expected to be launched within hours of them winning a general election.
I'm Above Average outlines a new law that will encourage people to feel positive about themselves. Legislation will be passed requiring all alcohol containers to inform the drinker the national average consumption of that product on either a daily or weekly basis.
"No-one likes feeling left behind" said the shadow minister for authoritarian legislation "and this radical change in the way we think about alcohol consumption will reassure the vast majority that they are indeed above average. I'm Above Average will be backed up by online local, regional and national league tables so that everyone can see just how far above average they are."
Suggestions that I'm Above Average is a derivation of the current government's Making Exams Easier To Pass policy has been angrily denied by the Tories. They claim that this is an entirely new approach that they devised all on their own.
I'm Above Average outlines a new law that will encourage people to feel positive about themselves. Legislation will be passed requiring all alcohol containers to inform the drinker the national average consumption of that product on either a daily or weekly basis.
"No-one likes feeling left behind" said the shadow minister for authoritarian legislation "and this radical change in the way we think about alcohol consumption will reassure the vast majority that they are indeed above average. I'm Above Average will be backed up by online local, regional and national league tables so that everyone can see just how far above average they are."
Suggestions that I'm Above Average is a derivation of the current government's Making Exams Easier To Pass policy has been angrily denied by the Tories. They claim that this is an entirely new approach that they devised all on their own.
smoke
At 7:43 this morning on BBC News Duncan Bannatyne twice completely denied that he'd said that children should be able report their parents for smoking in front of them.
Lying cunt.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
eco-car
I think I've just found the environmentally friendly car of my dreams.
The HP2g, a 400hp V8 hybrid engine, achieves 110mpg when run on ethanol.
0-60 mph? 3.5 seconds
The only downside is the $190,000 price tag but I've already started saving.
If you can't afford the Revenge Verde there's always The Tango. Or not.
The HP2g, a 400hp V8 hybrid engine, achieves 110mpg when run on ethanol.
0-60 mph? 3.5 seconds
The only downside is the $190,000 price tag but I've already started saving.
If you can't afford the Revenge Verde there's always The Tango. Or not.
snow
Could someone please explain to this snow that it cannot fall on the underside of things due to the effects of gravity? Thank you.
racing
Paul Drayson is to deliver a positive message in his address to the Cleaner Racing Annual Party this afternoon. He will praise the way the sport has embraced new technology over the years and propose a number of innovative changes that he feels could improve things further.
Cleaner Racing has grown from humble beginnings to the spectator thrill that we know and love today. Who could have guessed that when George and Harold Hetty first climbed aboard their vacuums, with dusters tied as bandannas, their actions would eventually snowball into the multi-billion pound sport that it has today.
The progression has not always been easy though. The 'twin cyclone war' that threatened to split the sport in two was just one difficult period in its history but, thanks to the heroic negotiating skills of Sandy Jomes, catastrophe was avoided and the new regulations were adopted by all of the teams.
Today marks a new era for Cleaner Racing with the introduction of a number of new competitive events. For the first time this year junior racers will have their own official series and all eyes are on the Attorney General Illegal Immigrant Cup which introduces a knockout event to sit alongside the league fixtures.
Cleaner Racing has grown from humble beginnings to the spectator thrill that we know and love today. Who could have guessed that when George and Harold Hetty first climbed aboard their vacuums, with dusters tied as bandannas, their actions would eventually snowball into the multi-billion pound sport that it has today.
The progression has not always been easy though. The 'twin cyclone war' that threatened to split the sport in two was just one difficult period in its history but, thanks to the heroic negotiating skills of Sandy Jomes, catastrophe was avoided and the new regulations were adopted by all of the teams.
Today marks a new era for Cleaner Racing with the introduction of a number of new competitive events. For the first time this year junior racers will have their own official series and all eyes are on the Attorney General Illegal Immigrant Cup which introduces a knockout event to sit alongside the league fixtures.
prayer
The traditional 'Plough Monday' back to work ceremony at St Lawrence Jewry church in London ended in chaos and recrimination yesterday when the priest leading the service blessed the assembled electronic devices with holy water.
data
In an effort to reduce public spending the government has introduced new legislation to fine itself up to £500,000 every time it has a data loss. The new rules are expected to raise over £4 million pounds per year from government departments alone.
"These penalties are designed to act as a deterrent," said the Information Commissioner, "which will make civil servants take the issue of data protection more seriously. If government departments have to pay large fines to the government then government employees might think twice before leaving a laptop on a train, or CDs in the back of a taxi, containing sensitive data."
"These penalties are designed to act as a deterrent," said the Information Commissioner, "which will make civil servants take the issue of data protection more seriously. If government departments have to pay large fines to the government then government employees might think twice before leaving a laptop on a train, or CDs in the back of a taxi, containing sensitive data."
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