Sunday, February 28, 2010

change

I think I've worked out why the Tory 'Vote For Change' message is going to lose them the election.



We've heard it all before.

polls

The Times poll that shows the Tory lead as only 2% comes on the morning of Cameron's big conference speech. Anyone want to take a bet that there will be a bounce back to 6-7% midweek and the spin will be he's convinced the people?

alcohol duty

The Telegraph reports
Alistair Darling, the Chancellor, is under strong pressure from 10 Downing Street to "make an example" of whisky, gin and vodka drinkers when he makes his Commons statement next month.

A bottle of Bells whisky could rise from £14.79 to £23.73 while Gordon's gin, another favourite of middle-class drinkers, would increase from £12.79 to £21.17.
Even with the poor exchange rate it will make economic sense to buy spirits from France rather than my local shops if this goes ahead. And I won't be alone in doing so.

paedophile

A suspected paedophile was escorted from a shopping centre by police yesterday after they were tipped off by a member of the public. The preliminary investigation has unveiled a high-tech net of hidden cameras that are all viewed from a discrete 'control room' hidden from the visitors to the mall.

"My son loves trains, so when he saw the ride there he just had to go on it" said Gayer Hangs-Whet, the eagle-eyed member of the public. "I put a quid in so he could have three rides. After the 15th go even he was getting a little bored but every time I tried to take him off the thing would restart on its own."

"Something was clearly not right but it was only when I glanced up and saw every single camera pointing at my son that I realised this was the work of a paedophile. I dialled 999 and the police were there within 3 minutes. They dragged this pervert out into the street and, I've been told, confiscated hours of footage he'd recorded. I'm just glad that my son is safe and doesn't seem upset after his horrifying ordeal."

The police have issued a statement regarding the incident. They say they obviously cannot name the suspected paedophile who lives with his wife at 25 Cromwell Street Gloucester until he's been properly convicted. They confirmed that they had removed an amount of footage from the shopping mall primarily as evidence but also for viewing at the staff Xmas party this year.

discrimination

Children are facing terrible discrimination according to a poll conducted for the charity Children's Rights Alliance for England (CRAE). CRAE, who received nearly half (£270K) of their income [.pdf] (£570k) from the Big Lottery Fund last year, are incensed that this government has done little to reduce the blatant inequality that 16 year olds face while shopping.

Their survey shows that 49% of 16 and 17 year olds had been refused purchases of tobacco and alcohol purely because of their age while 23% of them had been forced to pay full fare on public transport.

"This intolerable discrimination should have been addressed by the Equality Bill" said senior campaigner Carol Lowly-Wine "but we've recently discovered that the provisions only cover adults. Preventing an individual from purchasing a legally available product purely based on their age is utterly ridiculous. Chronologically disadvantaged citizens need our support, not discrimination, to allow them to live full and productive lives."

Saturday, February 27, 2010

vote for change



I'm not sure about this new Tory slogan ........

places race

A revolutionary new system for allocating school places is being trialled in a number of counties this year. Rather than relying on the tried and tested methods of selection parents will compete in a half marathon to decide where their children will be educated.

A spokesperson from the Ministry of Indoctrination praised the change saying "For too long the process of school selection has been based on the academic achievements of the child applying for the place. This was hugely discriminatory against the educationally challenged members of society and we feel that this exciting new process brings fairness to the proceedings."

"It also reinforces the message that my colleagues at the fit4life experiment have been pushing. A fit and healthy body is vastly preferable to a thriving intellect."

Friday, February 26, 2010

age appropriate

content check

Thursday, February 25, 2010

smoker detector

A couple in Dorset, Philip and Phillippa Morris, had a lucky escape when a recently-bought smoker alarm which had not yet been put on the ceiling went off. It alerted them to the potentially fatal presence of a smoker who was swiftly ejected from their home.

"We know how dangerous mixing with smokers can be" said Phillippa . "We've seen all of the information the government has distributed about how easy it is to catch cancer from these filthy smokers. Obviously we would never befriend one of these foul individuals but you never know with strangers do you?"

"We were particularly worried about the recent revelations about fourth hand smoke and how harmful it is" said Philip. "This alarm has already paid for itself by detecting this unscrupulous interloper. Who knows what diseases we might have caught if we were in contact with a smoker for any length of time?"

A minister from the Department of Health Scares welcomed the news that their rampant anti-smoker message is bedding into the belief systems of the population. "With great results such as this one" said the minister "it won't be long before there are calls to exclude filthy smokers from all walks of life which is, of course, our ultimate aim."

err, no

nuts

A leading psychobabblist has spoken out against lads mags Zoo and Nuts, calling for the government to restrict who they are sold to. The call for a ban was made at a photoshoot to publicise the release of "The Couch", a government funded study of the problem of sexually explicit images initiated by Jacqui Smith.

"Lads mags are masculinising boys" claimed the psychobabblist. "This goes against government policy of androgynising the population which, as we all know, is the only way to achieve a truly fair society."

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Equality praised the report and promised swift and tough action against the magazines. "How dare they try to encourage masculinity in men" she raged "after all of our hard work to neuter both genders. The minister will be bringing legislation before the house demanding a ban on all publications of this nature."

deception and lies

One of my ex-employees came in to see me at the weekend. He was on his way back to London after spending a few days with his parents and popped in to say hello. After completing his degree he started working for a think tank, even though he isn't actually allowed to do any of the thinking, somewhere within the Westminster bubble.

We chatted for a while about the upcoming election and politics in general and, even though he's a signed up member of the Labour Party, we still managed to have a bit of a laugh. We talked about the inevitable post election defeat leadership challenge and, while giving absolutely no specifics at all, he indicated that pre-planning for a defeat was already at an advanced stage in the machine of his party.

We started talking about spin, the media, Caroline Flint's breasts (he's a big fan of them apparently), and the expense scandal. It was at that point that he told me something about the expenses claims, and the reporting of them, that stopped me in my tracks.

I went back to the coverage of the particular claim and re-read the interviews with the parties involved. I remember at the time that their language was very precise, and rather odd, and armed with this new revelation it all seems to make complete sense now.

The difficult thing, as explained to me by someone, is that exposing the truth would gain nothing and that the lie that was told was the proper thing to do. The media got to kick big chunks out of the MP, the public got to see the sacrificial lamb slaughtered, the 'independent freethinking bloggers' had their opportunity to rip the piss endlessly based on the media's deliberately untruthful reporting of the facts of the story.

The claim in question was undoubtedly wrong. If I'm honest though I would have also taken the action that the MP did and given the media the same target had I been in their shoes once the dodgy claim had been revealed.

So as I'm not going to name the MP or reveal the allegation behind their claim what is the point of this post? I'm angry that the media put the boot into someone who they knew to be innocent of wrongdoing just so they could have their circus. They might have disliked their target and wanted to attack them but this was not the reason to do it. I'm angry that they all played along, left wing and right wing, knowing that they were peddling a lie and directing public anger at a person who was chosen to take the fall for someone else.

I'm angry that some of the most influential British political bloggers joined in attacking the placebo target. Either they knew and it was just a show and didn't care or they didn't know and they are as blind as those that follow them slavishly.

I feel dirty, used, and manipulated.


And not in a good way either.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

unavailable




Washed-up pop has-been Dannii Minogue has announced that she will not be auditioning for X-Factor this year after failing yet again to reach the live final. Even though she made it through to boot camp last year, her best achievement by far, she has decided to throw in the towel. In the previous three years she fell foul of Simon's acidic tongue at the televised audition stage of the event.

Friends of Ms Minogue have urged her to audition this year as an emotional back story always helps win over the public. "She really wanted to be a pop star" said one. "Giving up now when she could actually get a record deal would be such a waste."

"I'm sure that she could somehow persuade Simon to give her another chance. She does have plenty of *life experience* to guide her"

Members of the public were bemused when we told them that Dannii would not be auditioning this year. None of them could remember her, or for that matter the act that actually won the show, from the last series.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

negotiations

tea?




Mirror writer searches in vain for tea ........

identification


The former caretaker from 10 Downing Street, Matt Gather-Archer, who retired earlier this year after completing twelve years in the job claims that he can distinguish between different mobile phones purely by the sound they make when smashed against a wall. We took along a few when we went to meet him earlier this week.

Matt sat blindfolded while we threw a Motorola Startac against a wall. Once all of the pieces had settled he correctly identified the phone with a wry grin on his face. "That takes me back to my first week in the job" he said. "Gordon and Tony were having a spat about some policy or other and the Startac went. Probably the only time I heard one of those as they were all but obsolete by that point but you never forget your first, do you?"

He easily distinguished between a Nokia 3210 and a Nokia 3310. "I've heard loads of both of those. In fact between them they probably account for over 50% of the phones smashed against walls at the old place"

An iPhone was next and Matt had to think for a moment before correctly identifying it as a 3G 16 GB model. "I think 50% of the population now has an iPhone. Beautiful things but impossible to repair."

Finally we tried to trick him by throwing a Nokia 3220 against the wall. When it didn't break Matt burst into laughter. "A Nokia Gordon" he chuckled. "They designed that especially because of him but he soon worked out the correct way to throw it to make it smash. As I recall it only took him about 20 attempts to get it right."

last of the summer whine



As requested by A Cloaked Figure

Monday, February 22, 2010

bully

All this talk of bullying that has sprung into the spotlight has got me thinking. What is its purpose? The right wing blogosphere is convinced that Gordon Brown is a bully, the left wing is convinced he's just 'determined' and not a bully at all. Me? I don't really give a shit because whether he's a useless cunt or a useless bullying cunt doesn't make a great deal of difference does it?

What bothers me far more is that the consensus opinion seems to be forming that bullying is a major problem. Problems will inevitably lead to fresh legislation, and fresh legislation is inevitably more authoritarian.

I stand by what I said nearly a year ago
What the fuckity fuck? I suppose that the Labour Party can no longer resort to the overused "racist" attack so now everything is "bullying". This government descends further and further into playground farce every day.
except I would now add that the Labour Party is no longer alone.

e-petitions (14)



The answer to the question doesn't automatically have to include the word 'ban'. When will it fucking end?

spiderman

Scientists are confident that they have designed a device that could create a real life spiderman. The research, funded by the US military, has made a dramatic breakthrough.

"The main obstacle we had to overcome" said a scientist from Person/Arachnid Recombination Knowledge: Experimental Research "was the size differential. Initially we used chicken spiders and vertically challenged males to reduce the risk of splitting but this wasn't entirely successful. The drop out rate from the project was 100%."

"The breakthrough came while the plumbing was being upgraded at our facility. One of the lab techs knocked up the first rough prototype using a discarded cistern flush, a calculator, two sink plungers, some gaffer tape, a section of guttering and a wrench. A few refinements have been introduced to the working, miniaturised version, but the basic theory remains sound."

Now that the final calibration of the device has been successfully completed the scientists at P.A.R.K:E.R. are looking for a new batch of volunteers to become the parents of an evolutionary marvel. "We are confident that our aim to create a hybrid that can climb walls and get out of the bath will be successful in the near future."

on message

Fulfil our fart area


The anagrams keep flowing over at Mark Wadsworths.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

with friends like these



Not the first cabinet minister to make such a slip either.

testing



The trials for the 'bendy bobsled' to be used in the London Winter games were not convincing ......

bullseye!

No, they were let down by the state authorities that promise up they will do amazing things for us, if we just fork over most of our pay packet. When in reality, what they mostly do is hold useless meetings and find ways to pass the buck when the shit finally hits the fan.

-JuliaM


An excellent assessment of why a large controlling state is a very bad thing. The State promises to right all of the wrongs and injustices in the country. In doing so the State removes all aspects of individual responsibility and accountability. Behave however you want because the State will bail you out when things go wrong. Don't intervene, it's not for you it's for the State to resolve. Walk away citizen and let the State worry about what to do although taxes will unfortunately need to rise again - the solutions aren't cheap.

special relationship

Photobucket

Saturday, February 20, 2010

reflections

[click for bigger]


I'm no expert with photography, or for that matter with photoshop, but surely if a scantily clad model is kneeling on a piece of furniture that comes between most of her left thigh and a portion of her right thigh and the mirror she's in front of then surely, surely, her reflection should also be doing the same?

a future fair for all?




Anagram spotted at Henry's place

gold!



Amy Williams 2010 Olympic skeleton gold medal winner.

Friday, February 19, 2010

burglars



Original

violence

More than 100 pints have been arrested in police raids as part of a major operation to tackle drink-fuelled violence in Greater Manchester.

Operation Portandcheese aims to make Manchester safer for anyone coming into the city for a night out, police said.

Assistant Chief Constable Claire Sweeney, of Greater Manchester Police, said: "Today we have sent out a powerful message to beverages who are suspected to be behind nasty attacks.

"All too frequently, being an aggressive wanker results in innocent people being subjected to violent and unprovoked assaults. We however have decided that alcohol is far less likely to fight back our officers will be targeting that as the root cause."

detention



They showed no remorse, no guilt, no sign at all that they had thought about the consequences of their behaviour.

named and shamed

When Gordon Brown announced plans to name and shame people earning excessive public sector salaries did he know that Ms Harriet had previously wondered whether it was "appropriate" to name and shame MPs who had had their excessive claims to the Commons Fees Office rejected?


One rule for them, one rule for everyone else it seems.


Yet again.

gordon thatcher



The Prime Minister, facing an uphill battle in the opinion polls in election year, is relieved that a foreign government has encroached on a British territory.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

art

Questions are being raised by the auditors for a local council after a number of entries, totally nearly £2 million, were found in their 2008 - 2009 accounts for payments to a local artist. Repeated requests by the auditors to view the artworks have been rebuffed by the executive.

"Oh they have all the receipts" said a representative from Findit Checkit and Tally, the appointed auditing accountants, "but they've refused all our requests to see the pieces they commissioned. Quite frankly we're somewhat sceptical about the whole thing and are fed up with them being evasive."

Senior councillors insist that the artworks are only invisible to anyone who is unfit for his position or just hopelessly stupid. "We really don't understand what the problem is" said one. "We've been completely accommodating to the auditors and acquiesced to all of their demands as is required in these days of transparent democracy."

i laughed



Seen here

snelgrove

Swindon's Labour MP Anne Snelgrove is demanding that the town re-instates public executions with immediate effect. The local council shut down all public executions last year claiming their only purpose was to raise revenue through ticket sales.

"We found that crimes that we punished through these measures are not rapidly rising as the opponents to the decision had claimed they would" said one of the committee responsible for shutting down the murderous machinery. "If anything the people of Swindon are showing each other much more respect."

This, however, has not satisfied the bloodlust of Ms Snelgrove. “The council should reconsider" she said. "It was completely disgraceful they stopped using public executions in the first place. They only need to look to the results that China achieve which prove just how effective a deterrent it is."

"My biggest concern is for public order. I'm not really interested in the massive amounts of cash that this generates."

surrogate

Leaked documents uncovered by schoolchildren in their local woods have revealed a sinister plot by Labour party sympathisers to build their future political influence. Expectant mothers who voted, or are likely to vote, the wrong way will have their unborn foetuses removed and transplanted into surrogate women who will hand the child over to party officials once it is born.

The creation of a series of brand new educational facilities is already at an advanced stage. The hand picked nursery team should be ready to welcome the first of the new arrivals due later this year.

Research conducted shows that the donor mothers will usually conceive again soon after the removal of their child. This new pregnancy eradicates any lingering sadness at the unexplained disappearance of their first embryo.

Once fully implemented the project should become self-propagating with second and third generation offspring becoming available without the need for expensive medical intervention.

Senior Officials from other major political parties are outraged at the plans. They wish they'd thought of them first.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

iphone

Take a close look at the image below and spot the mistake



I screengrabbed from the Apple store after a huge tip off by PsD

juries

The Ministry of Justice is once again considering implementing plans to do away with the opportunity for a trial by jury after groundbreaking research finds juries are fair and effective. Senior Ministry figures have been recalled from their two week half term break to discuss the implications of the study.

"This study confirms what we'd feared for a long time" said a MoJ spokesperson "that juries are not vindictive, petty, inefficient, lynch mobs. If they can't conform to our behaviour models then clearly something must be done immediately."

"If they continue to reject our efforts to encourage hate-mob mentality then I'm afraid they'll just have to go. We can't allow reasoned thoughtful behaviour to interfere with the process of justice."

another bandwagon

@davidwrightmp


The Labour MP at the centre of a storm after describing the Conservatives as "scum sucking pigs" has made any number of different excuses for why he couldn't possibly have said that. At first he claimed his Twitter feed must have been hacked and his tweet altered but once the net-savvy pointed out that this is near to impossible he tried a different excuse.

His latest attempt to wriggle out of this embarrassing situation is through his spokesman who claims that he doesn't have a mobile device linked to his account. Except, as any fule kno, you don't actually have to 'link' a device to the account and his twitter feed (pictured below) suggests that he's been frequently updating his status from mobile devices.


This change of tack in a desperate attempt to diminish the impact of the rogue tweet, coupled with the facts as presented, can only point to one conclusion.

sink the bismark



Those irreverent chaps at BrewDog have done it again. The title of the world's strongest beer has switched back and forward after they released Tactical Nuclear Penguin at the tail end of 2009 then the previous record holder, Schorschbrau, hit back last week with Schorschbock - a 40% ABV brew. Yesterday Brewdog regained the title with Sink the Bismark which weighs in at a staggering 41% ABV.

It's not cheap. At £40 + £7 p&p for a 330ml bottle, and only available direct from the brewery, that makes it the equivalent of nearly £107 for a 750ml bottle or, if you prefer, more than 5 times the price of an average single malt. Not a beer for the faint-hearted or faint-walleted then.

Surely no-one could try to imply that this is anything other than a niche beer for a one off tasting session? Hold on, the BBC has this
Alcohol Focus Scotland chief executive Jack Law said: "Over the past few months BrewDog have continued to produce stronger and stronger beers.

"By commenting on this irresponsible brewing practice we only serve to add to their marketing and therefore we have no further comment to make."
The BBC and Jack Law think that this is irresponsible. How? 330ml of Sink the Bismark or 1500ml of single malt or 3000ml of vodka - which has the most alcohol? I do wish they'd fuck off and think about what they're saying and what they are publishing before they do it.

Sod 'em. Sod 'em all. I've ordered my bottle .. .. .. ..

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

lottery

An exciting development in the world of sentencing of youth offenders was unveiled earlier today amid a wave of approval from judges and ministers. The rapidly increasing number of newly created illegal acts has put immense pressure on the justice system which is no longer processing suspects quickly enough.

To help prevent a backlog of cases the new system does away with the traditional trial, with its excessive numbers of judges, lawyers and witnesses and replaces it with a lottery. Each offender has to attend the sentencing room at 8pm on a Saturday evening armed with a single National Lottery ticket. Match 4 or more numbers and all charges will be dropped and the accused will walk free. Less than 4 matched will be satisfactory proof of guilt for conviction, no matched numbers and the maximum penalties for the charges will be applied.

"We believe that this new simplified system of finding people guilty" said a spokesperson for the Ministry of Justice "has a number of really great features. Primarily it is a massively efficient way to process the growing number of criminals through the court system but also, secondly, the increased number of lottery tickets purchased will add to tax revenue and also to the funding of a number of charitable organisations."


Initially being trialled in Liverpool and Manchester the new format will eventually be rolled out to courts across the whole country.

Monday, February 15, 2010

more reasons to love windows

I spent the majority of yesterday and more than a few hours today trying to sort out my son's computer. Like the majority of windows users he had auto-update switched on, partly to make sure that the latest patches were installed, partly because windows nags you endlessly if you don't. During the install of the latest batch a restart was required to complete the process and fuck me if it refused to reboot.

Once it got to the "safe mode" options screen choosing any of them caused the machine to instantly restart. Venturing into the recovery console for a chkdsk /r (which took over 2 1/2 hours to go through the disk) proved the disk was still working. Try again, this time with auto-restart switched off which gave me a BSOD with an 0x00007E error code.

Research into cures for this drew blank after blank so a system restore, over 300 windows updates, re-installing the most important of his software and a new virus checker later he now has a functioning machine again. I told TLB about this and he fired me over an email brief moments ago with links to this article.

So, if you have installed a Windows XP update MS10-015 (KB977165) and it's fucked up your machine you aren't alone. If you click through the link above to the article there is a workaround which, if I'd known about it earlier, would have saved me over 5 hours of grief.

Bugger.

Of course if the bloody operating system didn't need patching so frequently that it demands you keep auto-update on then maybe my son would have missed the patch and the ensuing grief. I'm just glad that this machine has not, and will not, ever have a microsoft OS installed on it while under my stewardship.

ejected

[click for bigger]



original

Sunday, February 14, 2010

football

A collection of MPs has called for the creation of a new governmental body to regulate football clubs. Twenty three of them, mainly from the Labour party with a couple of Lib Dems throwing in for good measure, have proposed the formation of the Football League Initiative: Superior Monetary Yardsticks in EDM 807.

"The directors of football clubs clearly have no idea about sound financial management" said one of the signatories "so we feel it's only right that the government takes a far more active role in helping them to achieve a prudent fiscal structure. The new body (FLI:MSY) will also actively lobby for new legislation to create a binding framework which will regulate club debt."

We tried to get a response from the Football Association but they were all laughing too hard at the idea of this government having the temerity to approach them about debt levels.

amnesty

Emboldened by the success of the Robin Hood TAX campaign a plethora of ridiculously titled charitable promotions have sprung up. The Society of Pedants Against Nefarious Gratuitously Lax English (SPANGLE) are incensed at the huge liberties these appeals take with the English Language.

"Take this example" said Professor Naliov Fended. "I'm completely baffled how they have the temerity to declare an 'amnesty' on legal items that people legally own. One has to wonder where, or even if, these people were educated."

"It seems that these charity wonks don't care in the slightest if their campaign makes actual sense in English" continued Prof Fended. "They show a total disregard for the meanings of the words they use in their efforts to garner support. This blatant butchery of the language needs to stop."

SPANGLE recently erupted with rage when Harriet Harman's spokesperson declared that 'she strongly refutes the allegations against her' which, given that she was found guilty during her trial, was an utterly preposterous claim to make.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

memo

[click for larger]



H/T to Mark Wadsworth for the original spot

be my valentine



Never ones to step away from conflict or controversy the authors over at B&D have been engaged in a fierce competition to see who can attract the most valentines cards. Through fair means and foul the irascible pair have relentlessly attempted to outdo each other in their efforts to reign victorious in this year's event.

No technique, no device, no ploy has remained unused as this pair fight an unusually close contest to be crowned most loved B&D author. Subliminal messages in their blog posts, email campaigns, threatening behaviour, even begging for a card; all these avenues have been explored as they each seek to get one over on other.

The final count was tense but, after three recounts, Boatang was declared the winner with 1 card to Demetriou's zero. In his victory speech Boatang thanked his campaign team, his manager and all those who supported him in. He especially thanked his mum for sending him a card because without her he could not have won.

labelling

Senior ministers are angry that a voluntary code of practice to include all manner of nannying information on alcohol products is being largely ignored by the brewing industry. To ensure that more of the brewers voluntarily add the information to their packaging the ministers are planning to make the code mandatory.

"Look" said a senior minister to the assorted press this morning. "There seems to be some confusion over the word voluntary. The Government Dictionary (1997-2010 edition) defines voluntary as 'an action that you are not compelled to make but you bloody well will anyway if you know what's good for you'. How difficult is that to understand?"

"As so many in the industry have refused to volunteer we are left with no option but to make the code of practice mandatory and impose severe penalties on those who continue to defy our wishes. This government has always been fully committed to freedom of choice. You can choose to do what you're told or be heavily punished, it's entirely up to you."

winter olympics

Can't think of a single reason to watch? Not one? Not even a patriotic one?



Still not convinced?

Friday, February 12, 2010

a tale of two spam boxes

Today I accessed a hotmail account that I rarely use. Once every 270 days I have to log in to keep the account open. There were a few emails in the spam box so I took a peek


Comparing that to the spam in my gmail account



What does this tell me? gmail users need viagra and/or cheap prescription drugs while hotmail users are more likely to fall for phishing scams? I'm intrigued.....

an emergency newsletter from oakmead college



Dear parents, guardians, grandparents, carers, and other assorted au pairs and child-minders,

At Oakmead Technology College we try to maintain the highest standards of conduct and of education and when one of our students, irrespective of their previous record, does something that brings the reputation of our college into question then we must take swift and decisive action.

We do not, and will not, tolerate homophobic bullying of this nature. We have taken every possible educational avenue open to us to promote a fair and welcoming environment for students of all sexuality positions and this blatant disregard of the sensitivities of the LGBT students cannot go unpunished. Heterosexual pupils simply cannot express any kind of sweaty, dirty feelings towards each other in any situation where they might be encountered by a member of the LGBT student body.

We therefore have had no option but to ruin the academic career of our Head Boy. His actions might have caused intense distress, had they been witnessed, and we cannot condone them in the slightest. He will be permanently excluded from school as a warning to other students that none of them are exempt from following the rules.

All of the students in the school will be offered mandatory counselling sessions to help them deal with any emotional issues that have been raised by this issue.

hedgehog

Fans of SEGA's mascot Sonic the Hedgehog have been told that the wait is nearly over for a new game. They had been worried that their blue favourite might not ever make another video game after reports surfaced that he had substantially bulked up.

A statement from Sonic's management company was issued to reassure fans that, while the reports that their hero was temporarily unable to roll himself into a ball, progress was being made. A crash diet and long sessions in the gym are hoped to be able to reverse the damage caused by a party lifestyle following from his meteoric rise to fame and, if it all goes according to plan, a new game will be released this summer.

Unsurprisingly fans of Sonic the Hedgehog are excited about the prospect of a return to form after a number of recent below par releases.

civlian stabilisation group

Thursday, February 11, 2010

tobin hood



Literary historians have blasted the Guardian Newspaper after another article on their website last night yet again tried to totally pervert the Robin Hood story. The article, written by idiot spacktard Heather Stewart, claims that the public would be siding with The Sheriff of Nottingham if they opposed the idea of a new tax levy.

"It's so simple that even someone schooled under the current education system should be able to understand" said one of the historians. "Robin Hood opposed the ridiculous, penury levels of taxation that were extracted from the population of the time. His actions in stealing from the tax gatherers, and returning money to the people who had been fleeced, are not in any way compatible with the the idea of implementing a new tax. How fucking hard is that to understand?"

valentines gift?



Buy one here

leaving



Regulars of the Slaughtered Lamb are sad to hear that the current landlady is leaving the pub at the end of the month. She stated that 'personal' reasons were behind the decision.

neutral question of the day


link

sas





I wonder if they had a nice time?

greens



Trouble is brewing in the land of Do-as-you're-told with the news that only 75% of schoolchildren are complying with the directive to eat green vegetables.

abingdon street prep school student council elections

With the Abingdon Street Preparatory School student council elections drawing ever closer it is time to consider who you are going to elect to represent you on the school council. As usual there are a number of candidates to choose between but today we will be focussing on the campaign of the main contender to the existing councillor.

Early indications were that he would win comfortably without actually making a single firm policy commitment but pressure is growing on him to commit to something. A frantic scramble over the last few days has halted his diminishing popularity among the student body but his early campaign based on unspecified 'change' is no longer providing the forward momentum it initially generated.

One thing he is committed to is appearing to make popular promises. Only yesterday he took to the stage at a special assembly to promise that any petition that could gather more than 30 signatures will be eligible to be formally debated by the school council, and any petition with 60 signatures or more would allow students to table a motion that could end up being debated and voted on by the council. The chess and computer clubs were huddled deep in negotiations when a member of the mathematics pointed out that the key words were 'will be' and 'could'.

His campaign has hit a few snags; most recently over who exactly provides his dinner money. Rumours abound in the sixth form that it comes from an off-shore investor in his campaign, in direct contravention of school rules, a fact that he will neither confirm or deny.

Then there was the terrible incident which resulted in his school photograph being attacked by vandals. This seriously dented his credibility among his peers and he became the laughing stock of the school for some weeks. The investigation has yet to uncover the parties behind the defacement.

On to the manifesto then. The central pledges in his campaign are
  • Petty cash overspending will be reduced by more than 50% by the end of the academic year
  • The running of the Tuck Shop will be put in the hands of a more efficient external catering company
  • 'Personal tuition' for any male students falling behind in biology from Iain Dale
  • To be a much better councillor than the existing one
  • Hall monitors to be granted powers to administer on the spot chinese burns to reduce congestion
  • Prefects to be given power to perform homework compliance searches
  • Ring-fencing Matron's funding



Next week: In depth with another candidate

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

more

bully

Blognor Regis points out this fabulous choice of wording
An anti-bullying charity is leading an online campaign to try to force Apple to allow charities to include donate buttons in iPhone applications.


*face*

*palm*

firefighters



link

tobin hood


An exciting new study of the English folk hero Tobin Hood has uncovered a dramatic discovery. For years scholars have believed that the green tighted do-gooder was a libertarian; opposed to a repressive state and the huge taxation burden it extracted from the people. According to Professor William Nighy, the lead researcher on this new study, they couldn't be more wrong.

"Libertarian? Oh No. Tobin Hood definitely had communistic leanings" said the professor. "Our interpretation shows that, beyond a doubt, he was in favour of redistributing the wealth to make everyone equal."

"All the stories about returning unfair taxes to those that had actually earned the money in the first place through their labour are just metaphors. As are the tales of his struggles against an oppressive ruler."

"If someone of high intellect, such as myself, studies the stories as a whole then the real message becomes abundantly clear. A transaction tax on banking institutions that should be distributed to governments and charities to fund their good work" continued Professor Nighy. "Clearly anyone who cannot see this is not as clever as me."

Charity bosses and government ministers lined up last night to praise Professor Nighy and agree with his assessment of the meaning of the tales. A few simpleton bloggers tried to hold onto the belief that Tobin Hood hated state intervention but they were quickly silenced by

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

internet safety

[click for larger]

A new campaign to promote safe use of the internet has been launched today. Too many young people are unaware of the level of surveillance that they are subjected to whilst they are file-sharing and the team behind this initiative is keen to push the message that you can never be too careful.

"Always make sure you cover your tracks as effectively as possible because you never know when the government will covertly intercept your communications" said one of the team. "Long key encryption is the best way to prevent the government from accessing your personal information. They hate that. Although you'll probably get a visit from special branch at 3am one morning."

"Young people are particularly trusting of authority and this can give them a false sense of how secure their files really are. If they take a few simple precautions against the ever increasing powers that the state keeps grasping for itself they will be a little bit safer. For a while, anyway."

wiping

rear of the year



Have you nominated yet?

poll



Chart topping musical horse Leona Lewis has been voted as the most likely X-Factor participant to be involved in 'red rag' sex in a poll of online deviants.

"Just look at her" said one respondent. "She might be all prim and proper for the cameras but I bet she goes at it like a steam train when Niagra is Falling. I think she's got that look in her eyes that says 'the red flag might be flying but I'm certainly not off games this week'. If you know what I mean."

Miss Lewis's spokesperson said she was unavailable to comment as she was suffering from cramps and gorging on chocolate.

apprentices

Sussex councils are failing to create a sufficient number of made up jobs according to a survey by the Department for Communities and Local Government. It seems that councils in Sussex are particularly reticent when it comes to creating jobs to massage the unemployment figures in the run up to a general election.

A spokesman for the Department for Communities and Local Government dismissed claims that lowest central funding in the country to the named councils was to blame. "You have to question whether these councils are really committed to getting people into work. The energy they expend in undermining government strategy would be better applied to creating apprenticeships for unemployable young adults."

"With the reduction in university places it is vitally important that we create the impression that we care about young voters; many of whom will be able to vote for us for the very first time this year. Local councils who are not using the full scope of the resources we provide will find their funding substantially cut next year."

"There are a number of government approved schemes being showcased at the Advanced Recycling Strategy Exhibition - Home/Office/Leisure Event (South), such as the newly formed Commercial Units division of the National Trash Supervisors, that would greatly benefit from the placement of apprentices for intensive on the job training. Councils in Sussex could use this opportunity to increase the number of CU:NTS they employ and meet their obligations to the government."

ihattie



iHattie is a new app coming soon that can't be turned off and deletes all of your male contacts while you aren't looking.

recycling

The government is to announce tough new policies on recycling after the existing ones aren't working. Business owners are flouting the existing regulations by recycling their rubbish at home rather than paying waste contractors to landfill the waste.

"Clearly we cannot have a situation where the law is deliberately broken" said a spokesman from the Ministry of Landfill, Incineration And Recycling Schemes. "Tougher penalties are required to increase compliance."

"It's all very well these small businesses using their initiative for creative recycling projects" continued the LIARS spokesman, "but unless they are government approved schemes, that are properly controlled and regulated, how will we know that they meet the standards we've set? You may argue that they are only doing what they've done for the last 40 years without incident but unless someone performs the appropriate risk assessments, backed up by a suitable audit trail, there is no proof for this assertion."

"To help business owners comply with the new regulations we are looking to extend the National Trash Supervisors scheme. From next month we will be adding a new Commercial Units division alongside the existing domestic supervisors. The role of the newly formed CU:NTS will be to police businesses and ensure they are paying correctly to have their waste removed by a licensed carrier."

Anyone wishing to apply for a Waste Management or a Waste Handling licence may do so at www.liars-online.gov.uk, the Ministry of Landfill, Incineration And Recycling Schemes website. The starting price for a permit to do things that people have safely done for hundreds of years is £2,000 rising incrementally to the upper limit of £20,000.

Monday, February 8, 2010

speed dating

critical



Have you seen what she's wearing? Anyone with any taste knows that top and those trousers just do not go together. And that hairstyle! What was she thinking? Is it for a bet?

And don't get me started about her driving. It wouldn't surprise me if she only passed her test by flashing that cleavage, and there's no way *those* are real, because she's got no idea of the rules of the road.

Oh good god she's doing that laugh again. It sounds like a dolphin screaming for help while its being raped in the blowhole.

bananas




I'm not entirely sure what the Sun was trying to say .. .. ..

;o)

donations



The time has come for us to repay the national debt. Some have argued that tax rises and spending cuts are the best solution but radical new plans are to be unveiled by the government tomorrow that will transform these assumptions. Traditional debt reduction strategies are not popular with the electorate and, with a humiliation in the general election looming, the government needed to find a unique solution to resolve the country's financial situation while not further damaging their chances of re-election.

The Ministry of Involuntary Organ Harvesting has been granted special executive powers under legislation that was hurriedly passed through parliament late on Sunday evening. Lists of conservative voters, hereditary peers and people with jobs in the private sector have been drawn up for the first wave of compulsory donations.

"We've consulted extensively with specialist surgeons" said the newly appointed 349th government minister "and concluded that the majority of people are needlessly holding onto excessive internal organs. Repeated requests for voluntary donations have been largely ignored so we have little choice but to make arrangements for the mandatory collection of one kidney from each selfish citizen."

"Notice will be sent to donors on the day that the Prime Minister announces the date of the general election and collections will begin three weeks after that. Such a quick turnaround, from notification to operation, is a testament to the skill, dedication, efficiency and hard work of NHS staff around the country."

"Failure to comply with the legal notification of your kidney donation will result in legal action being taken to recover all of your major internal organs in accordance with the legislation. A full copy will be published on our website at some point."

*fce / plam*



The Telegraph on top form again today.

UPDATE @ 9:49 am. Some remedial work has been applied to the original article.
One down, one to go.