Football legend Maradona has begun a tearful vigil after his dog was hospitalised in Buenos Aires yesterday. He has vowed to stay awake at the bedside until his beloved pet recovers.
Early reports suggest that the dog fell into a drug induced coma after it bit Maradona while the two were playing at home. Toxicology reports are believed to indicate that it has ingested 'a heroic dose' of cocaine in the incident.
Medical specialists have confirmed that the pooch remains in a critical but stable condition and as yet has not needed any pain relief.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
abuse hotline
Catholic priests in Germany have applauded the news that a new sex abuse hotline is to be set up. The move comes after an intensive global media spotlight on the issue.
The Right Reverend The Bishop of Wank Freidrich Kindbelästiger, with the aid of an interpreter, spoke to us earlier. "I'm very excited about the prospect of this new service" he said. "With all of the media focus on the sexual proclivities of a supposedly celibate clergy the opportunity to engage in young people has been greatly reduced. This new hotline will enable every monsignor to easily find a victim to abuse without taking unnecessary risks that could increase their likelihood of being discovered."
"I urge all victims and potential victims to come forward and make themselves known to the hotline at the earliest possible occasion."
The Right Reverend The Bishop of Wank Freidrich Kindbelästiger, with the aid of an interpreter, spoke to us earlier. "I'm very excited about the prospect of this new service" he said. "With all of the media focus on the sexual proclivities of a supposedly celibate clergy the opportunity to engage in young people has been greatly reduced. This new hotline will enable every monsignor to easily find a victim to abuse without taking unnecessary risks that could increase their likelihood of being discovered."
"I urge all victims and potential victims to come forward and make themselves known to the hotline at the earliest possible occasion."
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
part-time
You can barely turn on the television or radio, read a newspaper or blog these days without stumbling across the phrase 'efficiency savings'. It doesn't matter which flavour of politician or pundit is giving their opinion efficiency savings are most definitely the hot topic of the moment.
The private sector has long lead the way in efficiency so we turned to ex-minister for girls who look like boys, now human resources director for Daniel's Wanking Palace, Yvette Cooper to find out her strategy for reducing overheads.
"Here at DWP the thing we are most concerned about is the planned National Insurance hike. We believe that is it an unfair tax on jobs. Businesses have been damaged enough during this catastrophic recession and cannot afford to be crippled financially again. Our plan to reduce our costs is to recruit all new staff on a part-time basis only."
"The benefits for us are twofold" she continued. "Firstly it increases the flexibility of the workforce by increasing the amount of employees we have who can cover our busier periods. Secondly by keeping the gross wage of all our staff below the NI threshold it massively reduces our manpower costs which will be directly reflected in a healthier bottom line."
"Naturally we'll wrap it up in some doublespeak bollocks about it being family friendly to keep our employees happy, tell them it's for their own benefit, that kind of thing."
The private sector has long lead the way in efficiency so we turned to ex-minister for girls who look like boys, now human resources director for Daniel's Wanking Palace, Yvette Cooper to find out her strategy for reducing overheads.
"Here at DWP the thing we are most concerned about is the planned National Insurance hike. We believe that is it an unfair tax on jobs. Businesses have been damaged enough during this catastrophic recession and cannot afford to be crippled financially again. Our plan to reduce our costs is to recruit all new staff on a part-time basis only."
"The benefits for us are twofold" she continued. "Firstly it increases the flexibility of the workforce by increasing the amount of employees we have who can cover our busier periods. Secondly by keeping the gross wage of all our staff below the NI threshold it massively reduces our manpower costs which will be directly reflected in a healthier bottom line."
"Naturally we'll wrap it up in some doublespeak bollocks about it being family friendly to keep our employees happy, tell them it's for their own benefit, that kind of thing."
ring tone therapy
Civil servants based in Whitehall have rushed to download new ringtones available from Japan. Even though the claims that the ringtones will relieve stress remain unproven the frantic pace at which they are being snapped up by interns shows little sign of slowing.
As we get closer to the day when the Prime Minister has no option but to announce the date of the general election rumours have surfaced of a group in Downing Street, known only as "The Call Girls", who take it in turns to endlessly ring each others mobile phones in a desperate attempt to bring calm and tranquillity to their workplace. The near continuous stream of soothing sounds that echo around the ministerial bunker has, however, started to fray the tempers of some.
"The joke is starting to wear a little thin" said Lord Spent Enema "and quite frankly it's getting to be rather grating. It's more than a little childish don't you think?"
"The public are clamouring for us to reduce the deficit and I can see the opportunity to make some early efficiency savings"
As we get closer to the day when the Prime Minister has no option but to announce the date of the general election rumours have surfaced of a group in Downing Street, known only as "The Call Girls", who take it in turns to endlessly ring each others mobile phones in a desperate attempt to bring calm and tranquillity to their workplace. The near continuous stream of soothing sounds that echo around the ministerial bunker has, however, started to fray the tempers of some.
"The joke is starting to wear a little thin" said Lord Spent Enema "and quite frankly it's getting to be rather grating. It's more than a little childish don't you think?"
"The public are clamouring for us to reduce the deficit and I can see the opportunity to make some early efficiency savings"
appropriate ad placement
My sons love the Roblox website which is where I stumbled across this part of the Sainsbury's Easter advertising campaign. Not sure why kids would want cheap champagne though.
i wonder .....
RSS throws up another curiosity because I can't see an attributed author in the guardian piece itself. Did the George Osborne write it?
create your own labour advert
The Labour party is encouraging people to send in their ideas for a new poster to be unveiled on electronic advertising boards this weekend. Do you think they'll accept my ideas?
Why not try one for yourself with this handy template
Tipped off by Al Jahom
Why not try one for yourself with this handy template
Tipped off by Al Jahom
Monday, March 29, 2010
the directgov rss feed
Anyone know what theclubuk.com is or why its url is squirted into every URL in the Directgov RSS feed?
going green
The FSA, under pressure from the government to increase tax revenue, has proposed a change to the way that food is packaged. The proposals revolve around the idea that by decreasing the portion size the ratio of packaging to product will increase thus creating more waste for the government to tax as part of it's 'green' initiatives.
To help reinforce the need for tough new restrictions on portion size the FSA has also circulated the idea that too much food ends up being wasted. The classic to-me to-you combination is bound to have certain cretinous sections of the government funded charity sector.
"People are already aware that the only way to save the planet from the ravages of human activity is to drastically increase the taxation on any product deemed to be unenvironmental" said Maintaining Environments: New Taxation And Levies spokeswoman Victoria Greenpeace. "Companies have been slow to adopt this theme claiming 'market forces' and 'customer requirements' so we're supporting the legislation to stop these blatant tax evasion measures."
"ME:NTAL is fully committed to supporting a program of tax incentives to assist people in choosing positive lifestyle outcomes" continued Victoria "and these new proposals are a wonderful new weapon in the battle to save the environment."
strip
A new survey has dismissed a widely believed myth about female university students. It found that the popularly held belief that female undergraduates get naked at the drop of a hatpin is no longer true.
"While it might have been the case twenty or thirty years ago that casual promiscuity was rife in the university environment" said lead researcher Sue Prottit "today's female undergraduate has a much greater sense of worth. If she thinks she can get paid £20 or £50 just for exposing her underwear why on earth would she do it for free?"
"The idea that female undergraduates are as randy as rabbits in spring is also no longer valid. There was a time when a man couldn't walk within 10 yards of a lecture hall without being propositioned repeatedly by horny young women free from their parents watchful eyes desperate to experiment sexually. Nowadays, with the rise of consumerism and tuition fees, these financially astute girls have realised that they can generate a generous income while having a quick fumble in someone's dorm room."
"While it might have been the case twenty or thirty years ago that casual promiscuity was rife in the university environment" said lead researcher Sue Prottit "today's female undergraduate has a much greater sense of worth. If she thinks she can get paid £20 or £50 just for exposing her underwear why on earth would she do it for free?"
"The idea that female undergraduates are as randy as rabbits in spring is also no longer valid. There was a time when a man couldn't walk within 10 yards of a lecture hall without being propositioned repeatedly by horny young women free from their parents watchful eyes desperate to experiment sexually. Nowadays, with the rise of consumerism and tuition fees, these financially astute girls have realised that they can generate a generous income while having a quick fumble in someone's dorm room."
Sunday, March 28, 2010
anger
A few weeks ago issues at work forced me to drop almost completely off the face of the internet. One of my key employees got arrested, bailed, arrested again shortly after for a second, identical offence, then remanded in custody for three weeks leaving me short staffed and in employer limbo. I was stuck with the question of how do I proceed legally in a way that is best for my business? Things have almost resolved themselves now; the employee has asked for his P45 and I'm training a replacement.
At work he's always done the job requested of him and never been aggressive towards anyone. What he does outside of work is his own business unless it impacts on mine. He's got the potential to be a great person if only he could break the cycle of drinking, drugs, depression and the violent outbursts. I've heard the way he used to talk to his mother on his mobile. If he wanted something from her, such as cash, and he couldn't get his own way he would launch into a string of angry expletives that would make Obnoxio proud.
Anger, frustration, aggression and confrontation were not good weapons in the fights he was having with his mother. He could not, through force, convince her to change her beliefs (specifically that she should help him financially). I tried on many occasions to persuade him to put the phone down before launching into the tirade but to no avail. If he had done then things might not have got to the position that they have.
Why was he arrested? His mother took out a restraining order against him forbidding him from having contact with her, her partner or his younger brother and sister which he breached, spectacularly, twice over a weekend. Apparently it isn't the first time he's smashed up parts of her house either.
You might be wondering where this self indulgent ramble is going but stick with it for just a little bit longer. I might even get to the point I wanted to make.
The majority of people who have a vague interest in the political outcome of the country take their first steps into the murky world of politics through the media. Whether that's the unbiased and fair opinions of Kavanagh in the Sun, Maguire in the Mirror, Toynbee in the Guardian, Hitchens in the Mail, the sedate Question Time or the everyday business of Parliament that is PMQs. The public face of political discourse is partisan and deeply entrenched. They agree with the utterings of the politicians on 'their' side and dismiss out of hand those made by 'the opposition'. Maybe they'll seek to find out more about the issues by expanding their exposure to the political circus. Their ideas about who is right and wrong become more entrenched as the rhetoric flows. Ideas are dismissed out of hand because of who proposed them, not on the merits or results of the ideas themselves.
I've seen numerous examples of this kind of behaviour pattern in the real* world, on blogs, on forums, on Twitter. Two opposite viewpoints fighting each other with anger, malice or petty one-upmanship. Neither prepared to give an inch towards resolving their differences. Both trying to outscore the other in the race to prove their idealogical superiority. Neither prepared to accept that nothing they say is likely to persuade their opponent to change their mind on the subject because of the way it's delivered. I've seen it repeated time and time again. It can take the form of verbal abuse or physical violence but two forces coming together in this way rarely result in a positive outcome for either.
My editor (wife) has been reading through this post as it lengthens and laughed at me. Loudly, heartily, the laughs racked her slender frame like the severe asthmatic coughing on entering a smoke filled room. "You yourself are a ranty bastard" she accused "and what the fucking hell is the point of all of this?" She is, of course, correct with her accusation. I am a ranty bastard and this post is rapidly becoming unwieldy in length.
You can, through force and intimidation, make people tell you they agree with you but once they've disengaged from the conversation they'll mutter to themselves about what an utter twat you are. They may even tell their friends, who hold their viewpoint, that you are a twat. Their friends will agree with them thus further reinforcing their views. There is no way that people can be persuaded to change their minds by force - it only serves to strengthen their prejudices.
The thing that works for many, including me, is humour. Humour is softer. Make people smile and they are far more likely to contemplate what you say than if you attempt to browbeat them into submission. Humour cajoles and teases, places ideas that can be remembered fondly, makes friends, sneaks in under the radar, it's a warm and fuzzy feeling that you want to return to. Humour is bright sunshine to the cold wind of anger. It's more effective in the long term game than direct confrontation.
* For illustrative purposes only. Philosophers and physicists can argue whether the world which we perceive through our sensory organs is the 'real' world somewhere else.
At work he's always done the job requested of him and never been aggressive towards anyone. What he does outside of work is his own business unless it impacts on mine. He's got the potential to be a great person if only he could break the cycle of drinking, drugs, depression and the violent outbursts. I've heard the way he used to talk to his mother on his mobile. If he wanted something from her, such as cash, and he couldn't get his own way he would launch into a string of angry expletives that would make Obnoxio proud.
Anger, frustration, aggression and confrontation were not good weapons in the fights he was having with his mother. He could not, through force, convince her to change her beliefs (specifically that she should help him financially). I tried on many occasions to persuade him to put the phone down before launching into the tirade but to no avail. If he had done then things might not have got to the position that they have.
Why was he arrested? His mother took out a restraining order against him forbidding him from having contact with her, her partner or his younger brother and sister which he breached, spectacularly, twice over a weekend. Apparently it isn't the first time he's smashed up parts of her house either.
You might be wondering where this self indulgent ramble is going but stick with it for just a little bit longer. I might even get to the point I wanted to make.
The majority of people who have a vague interest in the political outcome of the country take their first steps into the murky world of politics through the media. Whether that's the unbiased and fair opinions of Kavanagh in the Sun, Maguire in the Mirror, Toynbee in the Guardian, Hitchens in the Mail, the sedate Question Time or the everyday business of Parliament that is PMQs. The public face of political discourse is partisan and deeply entrenched. They agree with the utterings of the politicians on 'their' side and dismiss out of hand those made by 'the opposition'. Maybe they'll seek to find out more about the issues by expanding their exposure to the political circus. Their ideas about who is right and wrong become more entrenched as the rhetoric flows. Ideas are dismissed out of hand because of who proposed them, not on the merits or results of the ideas themselves.
I've seen numerous examples of this kind of behaviour pattern in the real* world, on blogs, on forums, on Twitter. Two opposite viewpoints fighting each other with anger, malice or petty one-upmanship. Neither prepared to give an inch towards resolving their differences. Both trying to outscore the other in the race to prove their idealogical superiority. Neither prepared to accept that nothing they say is likely to persuade their opponent to change their mind on the subject because of the way it's delivered. I've seen it repeated time and time again. It can take the form of verbal abuse or physical violence but two forces coming together in this way rarely result in a positive outcome for either.
My editor (wife) has been reading through this post as it lengthens and laughed at me. Loudly, heartily, the laughs racked her slender frame like the severe asthmatic coughing on entering a smoke filled room. "You yourself are a ranty bastard" she accused "and what the fucking hell is the point of all of this?" She is, of course, correct with her accusation. I am a ranty bastard and this post is rapidly becoming unwieldy in length.
You can, through force and intimidation, make people tell you they agree with you but once they've disengaged from the conversation they'll mutter to themselves about what an utter twat you are. They may even tell their friends, who hold their viewpoint, that you are a twat. Their friends will agree with them thus further reinforcing their views. There is no way that people can be persuaded to change their minds by force - it only serves to strengthen their prejudices.
The thing that works for many, including me, is humour. Humour is softer. Make people smile and they are far more likely to contemplate what you say than if you attempt to browbeat them into submission. Humour cajoles and teases, places ideas that can be remembered fondly, makes friends, sneaks in under the radar, it's a warm and fuzzy feeling that you want to return to. Humour is bright sunshine to the cold wind of anger. It's more effective in the long term game than direct confrontation.
* For illustrative purposes only. Philosophers and physicists can argue whether the world which we perceive through our sensory organs is the 'real' world somewhere else.
absolute rubbish
News from Devon of a brilliantly thought out* scheme by officials at East Devon District Council. Residents who leave their wheelie bins out with the lid open slightly will not have their rubbish collected. Overflowing bins will be labelled "Bin lid open, making it unsafe to empty" by collection staff from waste company Sita. The bins will be collected on the next round two weeks later if the lid is by then in the down position. Unless it's Xmas and New Year when the opportunity for cogitation will be extended to four or five weeks.
"The enforced 'cooling off' period will allow residents to consider the danger of their actions" said Norbert Clipboard**, Head of Environmental Mismanagement at the council. "Our computer models show that after two weeks the volume of refuse in the wheelie bin will have dramatically reduced, especially with the hotter summers that the Met Office is predicting, allowing new refuse to be safely added. Naturally we expect the homeowner to manage their waste output efficiently during their reduced collection period."
Local residents cannot believe that they will be expected to fit 4 weeks worth of refuse into a bin that is only designed to hold 10 days worth of waste. "If we couldn't get the fucking lid closed at the last collection how the fuck will we fit another 2 weeks worth of rubbish in?" asked one. "This is just a cynical attempt to force us into taking our own rubbish to the tip. Will our council tax go down to reflect this? Like fuck it will."
*The eagle-eyed among you will, of course, have noticed the relevance of the time and date of this post.
**Not to be confused with Nora Clipboard the statuesque local celebrity from West Devon who has, among other things, local hills named after the impressive swell of her ample cleavage. As honourary patron of the local spelunking society she can also list a number of local underground features that have derived their names due to her frequent intervention.
"The enforced 'cooling off' period will allow residents to consider the danger of their actions" said Norbert Clipboard**, Head of Environmental Mismanagement at the council. "Our computer models show that after two weeks the volume of refuse in the wheelie bin will have dramatically reduced, especially with the hotter summers that the Met Office is predicting, allowing new refuse to be safely added. Naturally we expect the homeowner to manage their waste output efficiently during their reduced collection period."
Local residents cannot believe that they will be expected to fit 4 weeks worth of refuse into a bin that is only designed to hold 10 days worth of waste. "If we couldn't get the fucking lid closed at the last collection how the fuck will we fit another 2 weeks worth of rubbish in?" asked one. "This is just a cynical attempt to force us into taking our own rubbish to the tip. Will our council tax go down to reflect this? Like fuck it will."
*The eagle-eyed among you will, of course, have noticed the relevance of the time and date of this post.
**Not to be confused with Nora Clipboard the statuesque local celebrity from West Devon who has, among other things, local hills named after the impressive swell of her ample cleavage. As honourary patron of the local spelunking society she can also list a number of local underground features that have derived their names due to her frequent intervention.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
earth hour
My lights at work got a little bit brighter just now. A big thanks to everyone who switched off for Earth Hour and reduced the demand.
Splendid
Splendid
pregnancy figures
In The Argus Tim Ridgway is praising the reduction of the teen pregnancy rate.
Brighton and Hove appears on line 179 of the spreadsheet. The number of teenage pregnancies recorded each year are
1998 - 187
1999 - 191
2000 - 188
2001 - 161
2002 - 179
2003 - 192
2004 - 184
2005 - 194
2006 - 180
2007 - 181
2008 - 150
That 150 is looking incredibly like a blip in the figures to me, just like the drop in 2001. Let's wait until we've actually got the figure consistently down before we break out the pats on the back shall we?
Teenage pregnancies in Brighton and Hove have fallen by a quarter in the last decade. Latest figures show 150 young women – or 36 for every 1,000 15 to 17-year-olds in the city - fell pregnant in 2008."Fallen by a quarter in the last decade", "significant progress", "sharing policies", all of these indicate that there has been a steady decrease of teen pregnancy as a result of decisions taken, don't they? Shall we look at the figures [.xls]?
It marks a 25% drop since 1998 – compared to a national average of 13% - and was flagged up as “significant progress” in the annual review of the Brighton and Hove Children and Young People's Trust Board. The success has been noted on a national level with the city’s representatives sharing its policies with colleagues from around the country.
Brighton and Hove appears on line 179 of the spreadsheet. The number of teenage pregnancies recorded each year are
1998 - 187
1999 - 191
2000 - 188
2001 - 161
2002 - 179
2003 - 192
2004 - 184
2005 - 194
2006 - 180
2007 - 181
2008 - 150
That 150 is looking incredibly like a blip in the figures to me, just like the drop in 2001. Let's wait until we've actually got the figure consistently down before we break out the pats on the back shall we?
if you were thinking of driving to brighton .....
.. .. .. be aware that the busiest speed camera in Sussex is on the main A23 route into the town. It's almost totally obscured from view by a tree so don't be caught out.
Oh, and there is also a camera to catch you as you leave by the same route but hopefully you'll spot that one as it is far more visible (many still don't).
Oh, and there is also a camera to catch you as you leave by the same route but hopefully you'll spot that one as it is far more visible (many still don't).
Friday, March 26, 2010
when is a cigarette not a cigarette?
When it's counted as TWO cigarettes for tax and duty purposes!
From January 1 next year, any cigarette longer than 8cm – excluding the tip – will be treated as another cigarette and have extra duty slapped imposed on it. For each additional 3cm, or part thereof, it will be treated as yet another cigarette.Oh for fucks sake
pothole backlog
Persistent FoI requests have revealed that West Midlands Councils have failed to reduce their nine year pothole backlog even though temporary staff were recruited this winter, paid for through the Future Jobs fund. Questions have been raised over the effectiveness of the department that oversees this area of the council's remit after this failure came to light.
Repeated attempts have been made by central government to pressure the council into taking proper action on this matter after the shortfall came to light in an inspection 5 years ago yet there has been little improvement. Initially strongly worded letters were sent and when that failed to produce the required results fines were levied but still the backlog was not shifted.
Simon Pelunkers, head of the Department of Creating Potholes, gave a statement earlier today. In it he tried to shift the blame for his failures onto the targets that were originally set in 1998. "When John Prescott was Minister for Fucking Up Transport he issued a number of directives that were completely unintelligible to English speaking people. Once they'd been deciphered we tried to argue the case against them but he was adamant that they should all be followed and so the department was created. We worked hard in the first year and met the targets he set generating over 10,000 road surface abnormalities in our area."
"Every single year since then we have had an above inflation rise in our target while our budget has gradually shrunk. Every single efficiency saving we can think of has been made and the money diverted into maximising our output but it's impossible to keep up. If we had had a more realistic target set each year without the relentless increases then this massive backlog would not have built up."
"We are now looking to members of the public to help us create the necessary numbers of potholes to bring us back in line with government expectations. We are hoping to apply new advances in the field of localised road surface deterioration to ensure that once we have cleared the backlog we remain firmly on top of the situation."
Repeated attempts have been made by central government to pressure the council into taking proper action on this matter after the shortfall came to light in an inspection 5 years ago yet there has been little improvement. Initially strongly worded letters were sent and when that failed to produce the required results fines were levied but still the backlog was not shifted.
Simon Pelunkers, head of the Department of Creating Potholes, gave a statement earlier today. In it he tried to shift the blame for his failures onto the targets that were originally set in 1998. "When John Prescott was Minister for Fucking Up Transport he issued a number of directives that were completely unintelligible to English speaking people. Once they'd been deciphered we tried to argue the case against them but he was adamant that they should all be followed and so the department was created. We worked hard in the first year and met the targets he set generating over 10,000 road surface abnormalities in our area."
"Every single year since then we have had an above inflation rise in our target while our budget has gradually shrunk. Every single efficiency saving we can think of has been made and the money diverted into maximising our output but it's impossible to keep up. If we had had a more realistic target set each year without the relentless increases then this massive backlog would not have built up."
"We are now looking to members of the public to help us create the necessary numbers of potholes to bring us back in line with government expectations. We are hoping to apply new advances in the field of localised road surface deterioration to ensure that once we have cleared the backlog we remain firmly on top of the situation."
Thursday, March 25, 2010
£27,666.47
Based on his research, Dr Stevens draws a number of conclusions:Brian Whitaker investigates value for money over at CiF and I think it's fair to say that he is as gobsmacked as I am that each one of those statements cost over £5k
• There's a network of Islamic bloggers who post on UK-related politics
• They communicate with each other
• Their numbers are small but likely to grow
• Some bloggers post a lot more often than others
• Some bloggers post on UK politics in English from outside the UK
And that's about it. Presumably RICU is grateful for the information and feels it was money well spent.
ask the chancellors
Channel 4 have a program on Monday 29th March at 8pm with would-be chancellors Alistair Darling, George Osborne and Vince Cable. They will face audience questions in the live program.
Luckily I already have plans so I don't need to hastily arrange a reason not to watch.
Luckily I already have plans so I don't need to hastily arrange a reason not to watch.
dirty devon
Analysts were shocked at the results of their study that showed Devon to be firmly wedged in the bottom of the faithfulness table. The study began with the hypothesis that Essex would be the sluttiest of them all but the results have forced a rethink. "We always believed that the relationship between Devon and Cornwall was a strong one, full of reciprocal love and affection" said a statistician from the project. "How wrong we were."
"While Cornwall was at home cooking the dinner, looking after the house, caring for the children, Devon was sneaking about the country having affair after affair. We found evidence that suggests Devon seduced Gibraltar in a hotel one evening, the Isle of Wight the following morning in the car park and the Isle on Man in the toilets of a motorway service station after it stopped off for petrol on the journey home."
"It seems that while Essex might have lots on show that leaves nothing to the imagination and engage in frequent sexual routines that, quite frankly, would make a contortionist's eyes water it is incredibly loyal to its mate. We've tested the perception that this translates into infidelity and proven it wrong."
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
minimum wage on the rise again
Up in October by 2.2% to £5.93 per hour. Strangely the Chancellor couldn't find time in his 'good for business' budget to mention that.
With the 2 x 0.5% NI increases due to kick in this year as well it's a great year to be an employer.
With the 2 x 0.5% NI increases due to kick in this year as well it's a great year to be an employer.
beards
Several MPs were so bored during the Budget speech this afternoon that they grew beards. A shockwave of realisation flashed around social networks as the phenomenon was spotted by political nerd after political nerd.
Most viewers were trying to concentrate on just how hard the budget would screw them over and whether or not lube would be involved so they missed this remarkable occurrence. However the time-lag images above clearly show the physical effects of extreme boredom.
Have you ever grown a beard because you were bored? Maybe you were trapped somewhere so totally dull you grew an extra finger, arm or leg? If so we'd like to hear about your experiences.
Most viewers were trying to concentrate on just how hard the budget would screw them over and whether or not lube would be involved so they missed this remarkable occurrence. However the time-lag images above clearly show the physical effects of extreme boredom.
Have you ever grown a beard because you were bored? Maybe you were trapped somewhere so totally dull you grew an extra finger, arm or leg? If so we'd like to hear about your experiences.
taxing
The BBC is reporting both online and also on its news bulletins on Radio5Live that tobacco duty will rise by 1% from midnight.
What the Chancellor actually said was that tobacco duty would rise by 1% above inflation from midnight. As inflation is currently running at 3%, a figure also from the Budget speech, then the duty will rise by 4% at midnight.
After VAT, the tax on taxation, is added at 17.5% the rise becomes 5% increase to the price of one packet of fags which roughly equates to 30p.
Why isn't the BBC reporting that?
What the Chancellor actually said was that tobacco duty would rise by 1% above inflation from midnight. As inflation is currently running at 3%, a figure also from the Budget speech, then the duty will rise by 4% at midnight.
After VAT, the tax on taxation, is added at 17.5% the rise becomes 5% increase to the price of one packet of fags which roughly equates to 30p.
Why isn't the BBC reporting that?
captain america
The BBC reports that Chris Evans is to play Captain America in a new film according to the Hollywood Reporter.
e-petitions (16)
In the day and age that we live in where we can smoke, drink and eat fattening foods the nhs has to put up with an ever increasing level of related problems to this causes. I believe that a citizen of this country that does not over indulge themselves with these "vices" deserves the right to free health care whereas someone who has abused their body should be denied. For example if a priest gets lung cancer and has never smoked in his or her life they should not have to wait for treatment on an ever increasing list of people abusing their bodies for the sake of it. I ask the government to move against such a thing happening for if they are so willingly going to pay for an increased risk of disease they should have to pay for their healthcare as wellDear Mr Newell,
Have you no appreciation of the current state of the amount of taxation that smokers and drinkers face every time they purchase a product to feed their 'vice'? If you actually applied a small amount of time considering this one thing you might realise that without the additional revenue generated from these habits the NHS would have a lot less funds to treat the 'pure' than they currently do.
Would you also advocate removing treatment from women who get pregnant, people with tattoos or piercings, rugby players or motorists? After all these are but choices that people make through which they can cause themselves or others physical harm.
Using the example of a priest so close to the revelations from the Catholic Church and the abuse of children by some members of the priesthood did, however, provide me with a belly laugh.
The NHS for all its faults is a free at point of use service for all without excluding minorities of your choosing. Why don't you just fuck the fuck off? Thanks
Manwiddicombe
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
sensible
Alistair Darling is preparing a 'sensible' budget say the headlines in the definitely-not-briefed-at-all-oh-no-we-haven't-been media preparing the way for ridicule of anyone who dares to object to any of his announcements tomorrow. Any deviation from the government approved response to the budget will be widely proclaimed as "Unsensible".
A team of media savvy Labour supporters has been sequestered to scour the interwebs tomorrow to denounce en masse anyone who dares to criticise the Chancellor. Once a rogue opinion has been spotted they will band together to attack the poster of the errant comment to give the impression that the overriding response to Alistair's speech is a positive one.
One of the key announcements that is definitely-not-expected-because-noone-has-been-briefed is that the government has created a windfall of nearly £12 billion by simply not borrowing as much money as they thought they would have to and these extra funds can be used towards paying off the £178 billion budget deficit. It is believed that the Chancellor will extend this brilliant strategy by not borrowing £1 trillion in the next financial year creating a surplus large enough to completely pay back all of the country's debt. The Tories are completely wrong-footed by this unannounced plan because their best minds hadn't come up with such a brilliantly simple way to solve the financial shit-heap that 13 years of continual over-spending has created.
Other sensible suggestions will include a requirement for all banks to provide anyone with a bank account irrespective of their credit history. All too often banks have discriminated against people based solely on their previous appalling financial management history and prevented them from entering the electronic transaction tracking systems that the government has set up. This situation is clearly contrary to all sensible thinking and therefore will be resolved by the Chancellor tomorrow.
A team of media savvy Labour supporters has been sequestered to scour the interwebs tomorrow to denounce en masse anyone who dares to criticise the Chancellor. Once a rogue opinion has been spotted they will band together to attack the poster of the errant comment to give the impression that the overriding response to Alistair's speech is a positive one.
One of the key announcements that is definitely-not-expected-because-noone-has-been-briefed is that the government has created a windfall of nearly £12 billion by simply not borrowing as much money as they thought they would have to and these extra funds can be used towards paying off the £178 billion budget deficit. It is believed that the Chancellor will extend this brilliant strategy by not borrowing £1 trillion in the next financial year creating a surplus large enough to completely pay back all of the country's debt. The Tories are completely wrong-footed by this unannounced plan because their best minds hadn't come up with such a brilliantly simple way to solve the financial shit-heap that 13 years of continual over-spending has created.
Other sensible suggestions will include a requirement for all banks to provide anyone with a bank account irrespective of their credit history. All too often banks have discriminated against people based solely on their previous appalling financial management history and prevented them from entering the electronic transaction tracking systems that the government has set up. This situation is clearly contrary to all sensible thinking and therefore will be resolved by the Chancellor tomorrow.
real, fake or ???
The Sun has a visual observation quiz where it asks if the boobs in the picture are fake or real. What the hell is option 'c'?
glowing
Scientists are jubilant today after lengthy research has produced spectacular results. The first couple to undergo the revolutionary treatment announced the success of the procedure to the national media this week.
"The problem for many sperm is they are unsure which way to turn in order to 'seal the deal' with the egg" said the senior researcher. "They can't seem to negotiate the uterus with any sense of purpose, constantly changing their minds over which direction to take. They flim and flam seemingly on an hourly basis rather than leading the hunt for the prize."
"Making the little swimmers glow allowed us to accurately poll their progress and guide them in the right direction. We are hoping that we can reproduce the result across the country in the very near future."
"The problem for many sperm is they are unsure which way to turn in order to 'seal the deal' with the egg" said the senior researcher. "They can't seem to negotiate the uterus with any sense of purpose, constantly changing their minds over which direction to take. They flim and flam seemingly on an hourly basis rather than leading the hunt for the prize."
"Making the little swimmers glow allowed us to accurately poll their progress and guide them in the right direction. We are hoping that we can reproduce the result across the country in the very near future."
just. shut. the fuck. up.
Amanda Sandford, a spokeswoman from the fakecharity ASH, has been told to just shut the fuck up after she called for two performers to be prosecuted for smoking. Every single one of the fans who had attended the special performance in Portsmouth on Sunday joined together in condemning her calls for them to be fined for smoking during their live show.
"Look" said one of the lucky 500 who attended the special gig. "It's really simple. Not a single one of the adults in the audience complained about the fags because none of us give a shit whether they smoke or not. Quite honestly the burning tobacco smell was a blessed relief from the stench of BO coming from the ugly bird standing next to me."
This however is not enough for Ms Sandford who believes that people aren't capable of making responsible, grown up, decisions for themselves. "All those impressionable middle aged, middle class people might be tempted to think about taking up smoking if their heroes are doing it" she said without the faintest hint of irony in her voice. "I suppose the band is doing it just to gain extra publicity."
"I'll try to explain slowly for you" said another audience member we interviewed, "so that you can understand. Ready? Ok. Just. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Stop trying to promote your organisation that is heavily funded by the taxpayer when not a single member of the staff or audience at the venue gives a shit. No-one complained, no-one was bothered. Not one. Please do us a favour and fuck off? Thank you."
"Look" said one of the lucky 500 who attended the special gig. "It's really simple. Not a single one of the adults in the audience complained about the fags because none of us give a shit whether they smoke or not. Quite honestly the burning tobacco smell was a blessed relief from the stench of BO coming from the ugly bird standing next to me."
This however is not enough for Ms Sandford who believes that people aren't capable of making responsible, grown up, decisions for themselves. "All those impressionable middle aged, middle class people might be tempted to think about taking up smoking if their heroes are doing it" she said without the faintest hint of irony in her voice. "I suppose the band is doing it just to gain extra publicity."
"I'll try to explain slowly for you" said another audience member we interviewed, "so that you can understand. Ready? Ok. Just. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Stop trying to promote your organisation that is heavily funded by the taxpayer when not a single member of the staff or audience at the venue gives a shit. No-one complained, no-one was bothered. Not one. Please do us a favour and fuck off? Thank you."
the budget 2010 liveblog
Wednesday afternoon at 12:30pm will be the last Budget before the General Election. The Budget will be carried on all major UK television channels except for BBC1 which will be showing Bargain Hunt (I shit you not!). I will be stuck in the kitchen at work listening to the coverage from BBC5Live Radio.
Who will the Badger hammer with tax rises? Will he try to bribe huge chunks of the electorate? How much worse off will we collectively be?
Why not come and join in the Budget Live Blog which, apart from the opportunity to have your say, promises to be a great fun as 10, yes 10 blogs will all be hosting it simultaneously. I will be joining this 'chat' collaboration with A Tangled Web, All Seeing Eye, Barking Spider, Biased-BBC, Corrugated Soundbite, Dick Puddlecote, Governmentitus, GrumpyOldTwat, and Subrosa - all excellent and highly recommended blogs. If you haven't been to some of them before then please take this chance to try them out. To catch the live blogging, come back here on Wednesday, March 24th just after noon.
Who will the Badger hammer with tax rises? Will he try to bribe huge chunks of the electorate? How much worse off will we collectively be?
Why not come and join in the Budget Live Blog which, apart from the opportunity to have your say, promises to be a great fun as 10, yes 10 blogs will all be hosting it simultaneously. I will be joining this 'chat' collaboration with A Tangled Web, All Seeing Eye, Barking Spider, Biased-BBC, Corrugated Soundbite, Dick Puddlecote, Governmentitus, GrumpyOldTwat, and Subrosa - all excellent and highly recommended blogs. If you haven't been to some of them before then please take this chance to try them out. To catch the live blogging, come back here on Wednesday, March 24th just after noon.
Monday, March 22, 2010
laffer curve in action
The budget is due in two days time. The Chancellor may decide that, as the think tank Policy Exchange suggested to the Conservatives, raising taxation on tobacco would be a good thing. He's already under a great deal of pressure from government funded 'charity' ASH to raise the price of cigarettes in the name of 'health'.
If the tax rises by the mooted 25p then the differential between the cost per pack of cigarettes in the UK and on the continent will be over £1. With the re-opening of the channel tunnel the price of a day-trip ticket is now very affordable indeed.
Do I a) buy fags in the UK or b) take a day and go to France/Belgium and buy a substantial supply of fags saving over £500 on UK prices? Tough call .. .. ..
Of course my actions will deprive the UK government of approximately £2500 in tax revenues. I know that I won't be the only one who decides that this is the financially sensible course of action.
Economics in action is a beautiful thing.. .. ..
If the tax rises by the mooted 25p then the differential between the cost per pack of cigarettes in the UK and on the continent will be over £1. With the re-opening of the channel tunnel the price of a day-trip ticket is now very affordable indeed.
Do I a) buy fags in the UK or b) take a day and go to France/Belgium and buy a substantial supply of fags saving over £500 on UK prices? Tough call .. .. ..
Of course my actions will deprive the UK government of approximately £2500 in tax revenues. I know that I won't be the only one who decides that this is the financially sensible course of action.
Economics in action is a beautiful thing.. .. ..
Sunday, March 21, 2010
don't go any closer or you'll scare the leaves off the tree!!
One of my customers pointed this little quirk out to me yesterday. From this position on google maps double click on the tree to zoom in. Whatever you do don't double click again though or you'll scare all of the leaves off the tree.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
vegetariwhatthefuck?
Saturday Night Blonde has just informed me she intends to eat chicken as her meal this evening because she has become a vegetarian and can't eat meat.
Naturally I have taken the piss and intend to continue to take the piss until the end of her shift.
Naturally I have taken the piss and intend to continue to take the piss until the end of her shift.
social networking
I've got nothing against people who wish to use bookface, bobe, twatter or any of the other tools of social networking. Hell I even signed up to Twatter myself. What I fucking hate though is the way that EVERY SINGLE provider now thinks that they have to 'improve' their service by offering social networking. Each time I log in to check my various email accounts, my online photo storage, my online file storage I have to click a fucking pop-up asking if I want to "set up my networking profile now?". No I fucking don't. If I want to network I'll use a networking tool such as Bookface. I've just logged in to see if Auntie Ethel has replied to the email I sent her.
News today then in the Times of the plans that Gordon Brown will announce (I'm not alone in thinking that useless sack of shit Bercow was going to put an end to this kind of thing) that each of us will get
News today then in the Times of the plans that Gordon Brown will announce (I'm not alone in thinking that useless sack of shit Bercow was going to put an end to this kind of thing) that each of us will get
a personalised webpage for accessing Government servicesIt gets better.
He is now set to use a speech on Monday to unveil plans to give every voter a unique identifier allowing them to apply for school places, book GP appointments, claim benefits, get a new passport, pay council tax or register a car.
Over the next three years, the secure site will be expanded to allow people to interact with their children’s teachers or ask medical advice from their doctor through a government version of Facebook.Even the cunts in Whitehall want to get in on social networking. Bookface rejects proposals for a paedophile panic button and so Gordon will propose a rival to their business? The timing of this planned announcement is laughable. Who in their right mind would use a social networking site directly controlled by the government?
isms
High Maintenance Girl asked me yesterday if I'd seen the new girlfriend of ex-employee Incredibly Tall Guy. I haven't seen him for a while and have no idea about the current status of his love life. So I asked the question of HMG "Is she pretty or is she a minger?"
She thought for the briefest of moments before replying "She's black."
"You fucking Pakis" I responded tongue in cheek "are so racist."
She thought for the briefest of moments before replying "She's black."
"You fucking Pakis" I responded tongue in cheek "are so racist."
quote of the week
"Lord Mandelson supports Gordon like rope supports a hanging man."
-Diane Abbot MP speaking on This Week, BBC1, Thursday 19th March 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
yet another sport relief
If you didn't watch the winter olympics you might need to check out the image properties to find out the name of this athlete.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
scores on the doors
Lord Rooker, the chairman of the Food Standards Agency, is in my opinion a hectoring nannying authoritarian ringpiece. In an article published in the Independent today he would gladly force food industry businesses to sign up to a voluntary ratings scheme.
In an interview to mark the first 10 years of the FSA – which he helped found as a minister in the former Ministry of Agriculture in 2000 – Lord Rooker said that all outlets would want to join a national scheme eventually accepted by council and industry bodies.What? The? Fuck?
"Once we get to the point where we've got a system that can be used by industry and they're not using it, then quite clearly, we would inspect them more often and with full cost recovery."
As you may be aware I run a food business. I have annual inspections from the local E.H.O every 18 months and no that isn't a typing error. Based on the results of your inspection the E.H.O will decide whether they need to return in 6,12,18 or 24 months. I've been on 18 month intervals for the last 10 years.
I cannot see the point of signing up to the 'scores on the doors' scheme. Putting a sticky fucking label on the door of the premises is not going to affect the levels of safety and hygiene that we operate at. It's a waste of time, a waste of money, another burden of bureaucracy that quite frankly we can do without. If Lord Rooker has his way I will be hounded to the point of bankruptcy if I don't voluntarily join.
You want to force me out of business because I won't display your sticker? Go fuck yourself Lord Rooker.
H/T to JuliaM for pointing out the story via Twitter
tigers
With the current generation of women with flexible bodies and morals being driven by the rewards of the tabloid cheque book it paints a pretty poor picture of our global society. That so many young, and in some cases not so young, ladies felt able to admit to having sex with one of the world's increasing number of overpaid sportsmen is indicative of the prevailing attitude towards matters of integrity. And it seems that growing numbers of young ladies are sadly lacking in the once highly valued attribute of discretion.
This increase of wannabe WGASs (wives, girlfriends and shags) has lead to a serious decline in the achievements of once great sporting figures. John Terry, Ashley Cole, Tiger Woods are the three most recently publicised victims of this outbreak of kiss and tell attention seeking and Richard Black, senior golf writer at the BBC, leaps to the defence of the man whom he has had the most contact with.
Tiger's decline is a sign of the world's failure writes Richard. The failure to protect such a rare golfing talent from the promiscuous kiss and tell groupies that flock to every golf course a situation we should all be ashamed of. Each one of us needs to shoulder part of the blame for the dozen or more extra-marital affairs that he is alleged to have had.
"If we use Tiger's numbers as a performance indicator, then we must admit that we have failed miserably and that we are continuing to fail" says Richard. "He's barely had a par round and is frequently three putting since these alleged affairs began. This isn't his fault though, it's the failure of the global society that created the environment that allowed these moral free female sexual predators to thrive and prosper."
This increase of wannabe WGASs (wives, girlfriends and shags) has lead to a serious decline in the achievements of once great sporting figures. John Terry, Ashley Cole, Tiger Woods are the three most recently publicised victims of this outbreak of kiss and tell attention seeking and Richard Black, senior golf writer at the BBC, leaps to the defence of the man whom he has had the most contact with.
Tiger's decline is a sign of the world's failure writes Richard. The failure to protect such a rare golfing talent from the promiscuous kiss and tell groupies that flock to every golf course a situation we should all be ashamed of. Each one of us needs to shoulder part of the blame for the dozen or more extra-marital affairs that he is alleged to have had.
"If we use Tiger's numbers as a performance indicator, then we must admit that we have failed miserably and that we are continuing to fail" says Richard. "He's barely had a par round and is frequently three putting since these alleged affairs began. This isn't his fault though, it's the failure of the global society that created the environment that allowed these moral free female sexual predators to thrive and prosper."
business rates
I got my demand for the business rates for tax year 10/11 today. As I have a direct debit set up for the payments I was inclined to just file it away for the accountant to open and not even bother getting worked up about it but it sat there on the shelf in front of me demanding my attention. Working a finger along the fold at the top I gently prised the envelope open and slid the thick wad of junk and paperwork out.
At this point I should probably confess that when I received the VOA valuation late last year I didn't bother to appeal their records even though they were slightly wrong. I've not employed the services of one of those cold callers who offer to appeal your business rates nor have I appealed them myself. The building has had no structural or cosmetic changes or change of use. Everything is exactly the same as it was.
I read the amount they wanted and sat down heavily. I couldn't believe it. Surely an error? I was speechless (which, as those that know me will tell you, is a rare thing indeed).
In 2009/10 I've made one payment to round up the odd and then 9 of £373.00
In 2010/11 I've got one payment to round up the odd and then 9 of £269.00
That's over £1k less over the year. A one thousand pound tax cut. There has obviously been a terrible mistake and I'm waiting for the correction to arrive. Probably tomorrow.
At this point I should probably confess that when I received the VOA valuation late last year I didn't bother to appeal their records even though they were slightly wrong. I've not employed the services of one of those cold callers who offer to appeal your business rates nor have I appealed them myself. The building has had no structural or cosmetic changes or change of use. Everything is exactly the same as it was.
I read the amount they wanted and sat down heavily. I couldn't believe it. Surely an error? I was speechless (which, as those that know me will tell you, is a rare thing indeed).
In 2009/10 I've made one payment to round up the odd and then 9 of £373.00
In 2010/11 I've got one payment to round up the odd and then 9 of £269.00
That's over £1k less over the year. A one thousand pound tax cut. There has obviously been a terrible mistake and I'm waiting for the correction to arrive. Probably tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
unemployment
Last month the figures were reported by the BBC as 
This month the BBC reports
I know I'm not totally versed in the arcane knowledge of Government mathematics but that makes no sense to me. How can you increase 663,000 by 61,000 and end up with 687,000?
This month the BBC reports
I know I'm not totally versed in the arcane knowledge of Government mathematics but that makes no sense to me. How can you increase 663,000 by 61,000 and end up with 687,000?
mechaphilia
A coroner has recorded a verdict of death by misadventure on a young man who died after falling from a car bonnet he was mounting. The fatal incident happened in a quiet car park in a local beauty spot.
Several emergency service personnel who had attended the scene of the accident gave evidence at the enquiry. Sergeant Vera Pert from the Essex constabulary described the scene that confronted them when they arrived at the incident.
"We believe that the deceased had driven his date to the spot before attempting to engage in sexual intercourse" she said. "You could tell he loved her very much, perhaps too much as it turns out, by the quality of the polishing on the bonnet."
"In my mind, based on the facts as we found them when we arrived, there were no other parties involved save for the ones that were present as we attended the scene" continued Sergeant Pert. "The wounds on the deceased are entirely consistent with the theory that he slid from where he had mounted the vehicle's front end and fell backwards onto the ground."
"I'd like to use this opportunity to remind people that sexual intercourse in a public place could lead to criminal charges that could include lewd behaviour, public indecency or in extreme cases sex with a Minor."
Several emergency service personnel who had attended the scene of the accident gave evidence at the enquiry. Sergeant Vera Pert from the Essex constabulary described the scene that confronted them when they arrived at the incident.
"We believe that the deceased had driven his date to the spot before attempting to engage in sexual intercourse" she said. "You could tell he loved her very much, perhaps too much as it turns out, by the quality of the polishing on the bonnet."
"In my mind, based on the facts as we found them when we arrived, there were no other parties involved save for the ones that were present as we attended the scene" continued Sergeant Pert. "The wounds on the deceased are entirely consistent with the theory that he slid from where he had mounted the vehicle's front end and fell backwards onto the ground."
"I'd like to use this opportunity to remind people that sexual intercourse in a public place could lead to criminal charges that could include lewd behaviour, public indecency or in extreme cases sex with a Minor."
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
an open letter to argos.co.uk
Dear Argos,
A few months ago while surfing the internet I found a product that I wanted to buy was finally in stock in one of your branches. Rather than miss out I used the service that you offer on your website of reserving the item so that I could definitely collect it at the store of my choosing. I have no complaints about this service because it, as it has in the past, worked exactly as it should.
However.
As part of the reservation process I had to leave an email address and I stupidly forgot to check the 'No I don't fucking want to be endlessly bombarded with junk emails' checkbox. Since then I've had at least 3 emails from you each week informing me of whatever promotion you are pushing at the time.
This week, as part of a tidy up and streamline of my email accounts I decided that I really should stop this stream of unwanted advertising so, reading one of them properly, I followed the unsubscribe link and, I thought, unsubscribed from your mailing lists. How foolish of me to think that you'd stop sending me emails.
Instead of your latest offers and discounts you are now emailing me to inform me of life insurance, car insurance, mortgages, savings schemes, loans and utility deals. If I follow the link at the bottom and unsubscribe from this mailing list which mailing list will you add my details to next?
So, Argos, just fuck the fuck off. Stop irritating me with your marketing, take me off all of your fucking mailing lists and do not transfer me to another new mailing list when I unsubscribe from your advertising. Cunts.
Yours tetchily
manwiddicombe
A few months ago while surfing the internet I found a product that I wanted to buy was finally in stock in one of your branches. Rather than miss out I used the service that you offer on your website of reserving the item so that I could definitely collect it at the store of my choosing. I have no complaints about this service because it, as it has in the past, worked exactly as it should.
However.
As part of the reservation process I had to leave an email address and I stupidly forgot to check the 'No I don't fucking want to be endlessly bombarded with junk emails' checkbox. Since then I've had at least 3 emails from you each week informing me of whatever promotion you are pushing at the time.
This week, as part of a tidy up and streamline of my email accounts I decided that I really should stop this stream of unwanted advertising so, reading one of them properly, I followed the unsubscribe link and, I thought, unsubscribed from your mailing lists. How foolish of me to think that you'd stop sending me emails.
Instead of your latest offers and discounts you are now emailing me to inform me of life insurance, car insurance, mortgages, savings schemes, loans and utility deals. If I follow the link at the bottom and unsubscribe from this mailing list which mailing list will you add my details to next?
So, Argos, just fuck the fuck off. Stop irritating me with your marketing, take me off all of your fucking mailing lists and do not transfer me to another new mailing list when I unsubscribe from your advertising. Cunts.
Yours tetchily
manwiddicombe
Monday, March 15, 2010
how does one apply?
This story from the BBC RSS feed caught my eye
and while they have altered the headline on the graphics rich page they hadn't got round to updating the low res version
and while they have altered the headline on the graphics rich page they hadn't got round to updating the low res version
whitewash
A number of valuable works of art have been destroyed by over-zealous cleaning staff at the Tate Modern this year. The information came to light after a series of FoI requests were submitted after rumours spread around the art world of the tragedy.
Two canvasses that were installed in a specially crafted recess in the wall so that they were flush with the surrounding structures were mistaken for graffiti and painted over while "Untidy Bedroom", the 2008 Turner Prize winner, has also been irreparably tidied.
"I was only doing my job" said the cleaner responsible for destroying over £50 million of artwork. "No-one told me these were new exhibits. I thought that vandals had sneaked in past security. If I'd been properly informed of the exhibits then this wouldn't have happened."
Two canvasses that were installed in a specially crafted recess in the wall so that they were flush with the surrounding structures were mistaken for graffiti and painted over while "Untidy Bedroom", the 2008 Turner Prize winner, has also been irreparably tidied.
"I was only doing my job" said the cleaner responsible for destroying over £50 million of artwork. "No-one told me these were new exhibits. I thought that vandals had sneaked in past security. If I'd been properly informed of the exhibits then this wouldn't have happened."
Sunday, March 14, 2010
smoking
Dear fellow anti-smoker,
Now that we've stopped smokers from smoking anywhere indoors that we might want to go, such as buses, cinemas, aeroplanes, pubs, restaurants, private clubs (of which we aren't members), and the media campaign to stop them smoking anywhere outdoors that we might wish to visit is gathering momentum, it's time to look to our next campaign strategy.
Our market research has shown that now is the time to push forward our most bold initiatives. The media seem receptive to the whole language of prohibition, the public are growing used to the idea of calls for bans of dangerous activities (and lord knows we've reinforced repeatedly how dangerous smokers are), so now is not the time to pause in our crusade. Now is the time to begin our strongest push for victory over these vile stinking people.
Duncan Bannatyne has already seeded the idea that children should report their parents to the authorities, a strategy that was received better than any of our polling data suggested it would be, and combined with the implanted idea of third hand smoke we believe that it's time to push for a ban on smoking in homes.
We have recruited some senior firefighters who are willing to issue statements to the media after every fire squarely blaming cigarettes for the blaze. The momentum is on our side. Smokers are a danger to themselves, to their neighbours, to the next person to buy the house. Who would want to risk exposing their family to the terrible dangers that a smoker can leave behind in a house long after they've died a painful and agonising death caused by their filthy habit? I know that I would not want to bring up children in such a house.
To help our cause gain further support it would be helpful if you could continue to comment on online media articles, phone radio stations, write letters to the BBC, email your MP and fill out online surveys. We will of course notify you of every opportunity to do your part to help rid us of the scourge of smokers in the weekly email bulletin.
Thank you in advance for all of your support
Now that we've stopped smokers from smoking anywhere indoors that we might want to go, such as buses, cinemas, aeroplanes, pubs, restaurants, private clubs (of which we aren't members), and the media campaign to stop them smoking anywhere outdoors that we might wish to visit is gathering momentum, it's time to look to our next campaign strategy.
Our market research has shown that now is the time to push forward our most bold initiatives. The media seem receptive to the whole language of prohibition, the public are growing used to the idea of calls for bans of dangerous activities (and lord knows we've reinforced repeatedly how dangerous smokers are), so now is not the time to pause in our crusade. Now is the time to begin our strongest push for victory over these vile stinking people.
Duncan Bannatyne has already seeded the idea that children should report their parents to the authorities, a strategy that was received better than any of our polling data suggested it would be, and combined with the implanted idea of third hand smoke we believe that it's time to push for a ban on smoking in homes.
We have recruited some senior firefighters who are willing to issue statements to the media after every fire squarely blaming cigarettes for the blaze. The momentum is on our side. Smokers are a danger to themselves, to their neighbours, to the next person to buy the house. Who would want to risk exposing their family to the terrible dangers that a smoker can leave behind in a house long after they've died a painful and agonising death caused by their filthy habit? I know that I would not want to bring up children in such a house.
To help our cause gain further support it would be helpful if you could continue to comment on online media articles, phone radio stations, write letters to the BBC, email your MP and fill out online surveys. We will of course notify you of every opportunity to do your part to help rid us of the scourge of smokers in the weekly email bulletin.
Thank you in advance for all of your support
put down
The RSPCA has struggled in many areas of the country to meet the newly introduced annual performance targets that caused much controversy when they were announced. Not so the Brighton Chapter of their organisation which has developed innovative new techniques to improve efficiency and increase detection rates.
Rather than waiting to receive calls from members of the public, or the police, over animal welfare concerns the proactive team on the Sussex coast have set up a 24 hour patrol to locate and identify potential strays. These animals are then taken without warning and destroyed within 24 hours.
"If owners bothered to put micro-chips in their pets then we would be able to bill them for the ever increasing costs associated with destroying their animal companions" said an RSPCA spokesperson. "After the event, of course" she added.
Rather than waiting to receive calls from members of the public, or the police, over animal welfare concerns the proactive team on the Sussex coast have set up a 24 hour patrol to locate and identify potential strays. These animals are then taken without warning and destroyed within 24 hours.
"If owners bothered to put micro-chips in their pets then we would be able to bill them for the ever increasing costs associated with destroying their animal companions" said an RSPCA spokesperson. "After the event, of course" she added.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
sheep
Police are appealing for help tracing a sheep that has gone missing from its home in Dumfries and Galloway. They are concerned that the sheep may be lost, frightened, or hurt.
It was last seen at around 9pm on Wednesday evening when it said it was popping out for some milk and a loaf of bread. Anyone who encounters the sheep should be aware that it might be a bit jumpy as it's been three days since it last took it's medication.
Local search and rescue operative Beau Peep has been called in to assist the police with their efforts. "My advice in these situations is simple, clear and effective" said Beau. "Ignore them, leave them alone, and they will come home soon enough."
If you have any information regarding the disappearance you can speak to Constable Donna Quaybab in the incident room by telephoning 05262 246770
It was last seen at around 9pm on Wednesday evening when it said it was popping out for some milk and a loaf of bread. Anyone who encounters the sheep should be aware that it might be a bit jumpy as it's been three days since it last took it's medication.
Local search and rescue operative Beau Peep has been called in to assist the police with their efforts. "My advice in these situations is simple, clear and effective" said Beau. "Ignore them, leave them alone, and they will come home soon enough."
If you have any information regarding the disappearance you can speak to Constable Donna Quaybab in the incident room by telephoning 05262 246770
Friday, March 12, 2010
simple
Page 32 of today's Mirror has an coupon to cut out and send off for some free eye make-up removal pads from Simple. The blurb reads
PUT some sparkle into your mum's eyes this Mother's Day with a FREE pack of 30 Simple Radiance Brightening Eye Make-Up Remover Pads, worth £3.99 from Simple, the UK's No. 1 Facial Skincare brand*.So how do I claim this magnificent gift that will permanently change my mother's life for the better? By posting the coupon to them with a large SAE (66p stamp) and waiting up to 28 days from the closing date (19th March) of the offer for them to deliver the pads.
Erm, marketing twats, Mother's Day is in two days time. Telling mother that her gift will probably arrive in 5 weeks time is not going to go down well at lunch on Sunday is it?
talented
With the ever increasing importance being placed on equality during the selection pre-interview process many firms are missing out on female 'talent'. Business owners are getting increasingly dissatisfied with the gender neutral policies forced upon them by the latest round of Equality Legislation that came into force recently.
"If you had to choose between a skilled secretary that was prefect eye-candy or an equally skilled secretary that has a visual appearance not entirely unlike the rear end of a double decked public transport vehicle what would you do?" asked a senior executive from a top company. "These bloody new rules that strip all personality out of an application form have made it impossible to tell if you're going to interview a hottie or a moose. It makes me weep when I think that we are missing out on so much 'talent' in the name of equality."
Thursday, March 11, 2010
homeless
New national statistics released today show that despite the tough economic times, the number of those accepted as homeless is down by 72 per cent since 2003.
Accepted as homeless? There are people who live rough who are not accepted as being homeless?
Accepted as homeless? There are people who live rough who are not accepted as being homeless?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
quiet
For those of you that are wondering I'm not dead. The triumvirate of shitty cold, new video game (Endless Ocean 2 - I'm enjoying it greatly - if you are into them) and problems with one of my employees* have kept me away from the internet for the last few weeks. As soon as two of those issues are resolved I'll have more time again .....
*Once I can I will write about this. The issues it raises for a small business such as mine are extremely frustrating.
*Once I can I will write about this. The issues it raises for a small business such as mine are extremely frustrating.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
shot
Tragedy struck this week in Wilson County, Tennessee, when a three year old child mistook the loaded handgun that her father had left on a table for a game controller and shot the family's brand new plasma TV. The $8,000 wall mounted screen had been purchased specifically so that her parents could properly enjoy the Nintendo Wii version of House of Dead: Overkill.
"Ah don't rightly know what happened" said her father. "She'd taken a trip to the little girls room. When she came back she just picked up one of mah pistols and opened fire on the plasma. If she didn't like the game I wers playing I would'ah jus' turned it off."
Police have issued a warning to all parents after this tragedy. "Video games are dangerous" said the County Sheriff. "My office has issued a warning to all parents of the potential dangers of allowing their children, especially the very young, to be exposed to video games."
"This incident of Wii Rage shows how young minds can be perverted by dangerous and violent devices of this nature. If that child had not been corrupted by the satanic influence of Nintendo this tragedy could not have happened."
"Ah don't rightly know what happened" said her father. "She'd taken a trip to the little girls room. When she came back she just picked up one of mah pistols and opened fire on the plasma. If she didn't like the game I wers playing I would'ah jus' turned it off."
Police have issued a warning to all parents after this tragedy. "Video games are dangerous" said the County Sheriff. "My office has issued a warning to all parents of the potential dangers of allowing their children, especially the very young, to be exposed to video games."
"This incident of Wii Rage shows how young minds can be perverted by dangerous and violent devices of this nature. If that child had not been corrupted by the satanic influence of Nintendo this tragedy could not have happened."
Monday, March 8, 2010
fine
New government proposals were announced this week that would give every citizen in the country exactly the same powers to hand out fines and arrest people as the police. The Citizen Sheriff Accreditation Scheme is to be rolled out across the whole country later this year.
The scheme has been hailed by both the Ministry of Justice and the Office for Equality as brilliant. Their spokespeople have been giving interviews to support the idea all morning.
"We've worked hard on this initiative" said the spokesperson from the Office for Equality. "We believe that the previous discriminatory position, where police officers were the only ones who could issue fines or arrest people, was a terrible injustice for the majority of the population. We welcome this levelling of the playing field and creation of a far fairer and more equal society."
"I'd just like to add" said the spokesperson from the Ministry of Justice "that in these times of financial difficulty the implied savings from policing, and the contribution that the extra fines will make to the Treasury, are also welcomed."
The majority of the public are against the idea because they realise the chaos that will be unleashed if this scheme goes ahead.
The scheme has been hailed by both the Ministry of Justice and the Office for Equality as brilliant. Their spokespeople have been giving interviews to support the idea all morning.
"We've worked hard on this initiative" said the spokesperson from the Office for Equality. "We believe that the previous discriminatory position, where police officers were the only ones who could issue fines or arrest people, was a terrible injustice for the majority of the population. We welcome this levelling of the playing field and creation of a far fairer and more equal society."
"I'd just like to add" said the spokesperson from the Ministry of Justice "that in these times of financial difficulty the implied savings from policing, and the contribution that the extra fines will make to the Treasury, are also welcomed."
The majority of the public are against the idea because they realise the chaos that will be unleashed if this scheme goes ahead.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
old news
The GMB are going to ballot their members who work for British Gas to see whether they agree to strike action.
Apparently the workers are unhappy with changes to working conditions. Very unhappy indeed.
Apparently the workers are unhappy with changes to working conditions. Very unhappy indeed.
Friday, March 5, 2010
danger!
Clipboard wielding inspectors swarmed over the WHSmith store in Chichester this week after allegations of unsafe practices emerged. The unconfirmed rumours suggest that staff were allowing parents to purchase child safety scissors without properly considering the potentially harmful consequences.
Pinky Shears, from the charity SafeSnip, was appalled at the lax attitude of the staff when she carried out the undercover test purchase which lead to the investigation. "My daughter carried the scissors to the till and then I gave her the money to complete the purchase. At no point in the transaction did the staff member consider the potential risks of selling a dangerous item to such a young child."
"Who knows what would have happened to my daughter if I hadn't been with her to supervise her safely. These large retailers have no consideration at all for the safety of children. They only care about profiteering"
Pinky Shears, from the charity SafeSnip, was appalled at the lax attitude of the staff when she carried out the undercover test purchase which lead to the investigation. "My daughter carried the scissors to the till and then I gave her the money to complete the purchase. At no point in the transaction did the staff member consider the potential risks of selling a dangerous item to such a young child."
"Who knows what would have happened to my daughter if I hadn't been with her to supervise her safely. These large retailers have no consideration at all for the safety of children. They only care about profiteering"
Thursday, March 4, 2010
e-petitions (15)
So it's not enough for you that this government attempts to micromanage every aspect of our lives and you want them to interfere with how other countries are run?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
boris and dave
For a long time there has been speculation about an incident between Dave and Boris and now confirmation has surfaced that they are actually true. It appears that Dave was ready to ditch Boris but had a last minute change of mind.
"He just couldn't perform and we just thought - he's got to go. He was destined for the scrapheap" said Dave. "But he is such a nice bloke and we didn't really want to get rid of him so we started looking into alternative solutions. Since the herbal treatment began working we have never seen him so rampant."
"Since beginning the supplements Boris has gone from strength to strength. One only has to look at the way he helped the distressed cyclist to see the outstanding results that this herbal remedy has achieved."
Pundits have suggested that if it hadn't been for their membership of the Bullingdon Club that Boris' days would definitely have been numbered. They have also confirmed that they believe the timing of the announcement is significant to prevent it becoming an issue in the upcoming general election.
"He just couldn't perform and we just thought - he's got to go. He was destined for the scrapheap" said Dave. "But he is such a nice bloke and we didn't really want to get rid of him so we started looking into alternative solutions. Since the herbal treatment began working we have never seen him so rampant."
"Since beginning the supplements Boris has gone from strength to strength. One only has to look at the way he helped the distressed cyclist to see the outstanding results that this herbal remedy has achieved."
Pundits have suggested that if it hadn't been for their membership of the Bullingdon Club that Boris' days would definitely have been numbered. They have also confirmed that they believe the timing of the announcement is significant to prevent it becoming an issue in the upcoming general election.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
the alcohol pricing lie?
Compare this
The aim of alcohol duty is to raise revenue and not to tackle harmful drinking.to this
Health Secretary Nicola Sturgeon said: "These findings confirm that minimum pricing can be a key weapon in the battle against alcohol misuse.or this
Under the "nuclear option" plan for increasing duty – designed to appease the health lobby and show that ministers are serious about tackling the problems caused by binge drinking – the cost of a bottle of spirits would rocket, along with the cost of spirit-based alcopops favoured by young drinkers.So which is it? Revenue or 'health'?
Monday, March 1, 2010
excluded
Violent, disruptive pupils who don't see the point of going to school at all often do worse in their exams claims a new report published at the weekend. Thugs who are excluded from mainstream schools are less likely to achieve the same GCSE grades as their peers. According to the report this situation is entirely the fault of the schools that exclude them.
Figures in the report show that only 1% of pupils who are sent to 'disruptive units' get 5 GCSE grades A*-C compared to 70% in the general school population. "Separating this unfortunate souls from their peers" said Petunia Handwringer, one of the authors of the report, "is clearly having an adverse effect on their chances of a proper education. Not only does the exclusion demotivate them but it consigns them to a classroom full of pupils who's only goal is to disrupt their educational opportunities. If the discrimination against these underprivileged students continues then the differential between them and their peers will only increase further."
"We strongly recommend that schools should be prevented from excluding those children who are disrupting the education of the rest of their class. Instead" continued Ms Handwringer "teachers must focus more time, attention and resources in ensuring an equal outcome for all of their students. In that way the terrible disparity between results can be addressed."
Figures in the report show that only 1% of pupils who are sent to 'disruptive units' get 5 GCSE grades A*-C compared to 70% in the general school population. "Separating this unfortunate souls from their peers" said Petunia Handwringer, one of the authors of the report, "is clearly having an adverse effect on their chances of a proper education. Not only does the exclusion demotivate them but it consigns them to a classroom full of pupils who's only goal is to disrupt their educational opportunities. If the discrimination against these underprivileged students continues then the differential between them and their peers will only increase further."
"We strongly recommend that schools should be prevented from excluding those children who are disrupting the education of the rest of their class. Instead" continued Ms Handwringer "teachers must focus more time, attention and resources in ensuring an equal outcome for all of their students. In that way the terrible disparity between results can be addressed."
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