I feel dead inside

My heart has been ripped out.

I'm planning to sell the business and once the money is safely in the bank I will quietly fade into the sunrise.

Unless the situation radically alters blogging will be light, fading to non-existent.


Thank you to everyone for the messages of support and the offers of help that you have extended across the electronic medium that is this internet. I really have appreciated the warmth and kindness you have shown.

abyss (2)

It wasn't a bridge, merely an illusion of one.


I'm falling .........

fermentation

If you use the top down squeezy ketchup bottle things be careful to check that it hasn't fermented in the bottle BEFORE you pick it up .. .. .. the weight of the bottle is the only thing keeping that lid closed.

words

Sometimes, when you can't put something into words, the internet does it for you.

abyss

Earlier today I was standing at the edge of an abyss with no idea whether to step off or not.

I've just seen a rope bridge that stretches into the distance. It isn't particularly well made. The handrails look like they might give out and many of the planks look dodgy as hell but it is a path across.

I'm not certain that if I step onto it I will ever reach the other side to the prize that awaits there. I don't even know what the prize looks like or if there even is a prize but the alternative is too scary to contemplate.

It's not going to be a smooth journey but fuck me I'm going to try my hardest to get all the way across. The bridge may rock and buck, the planks may break under my feet, it may even collapse while I'm trying but not trying is not an option.

If I fall into the hole during the journey then at least I tried rather than turning tail and giving up. I've given up too many times before but not this time. There is too much at stake.

what's the fucking point?

You work hard, try your best, then life just kicks you in the nuts while wearing steel toe-capped boots.


Makes you wonder why you fucking bother.

boob job

Trouble erupted in a Harley Street surgery yesterday after a consultation for breast augmentation when horribly wrong.

Amanda, who had lived the majority of her adult life as successful builder Reg Holden-Bedd, knew from a very early age that she had been born into the wrong gender body. It was only after she had retired from her successful career as a builder that she felt confidant enough to begin the process of gender reassignment.

While the surgery to remove her penis and create a vagina was a success, as was the process of legally becoming a woman, the hormone therapy to promote breast growth in Amanda was unsuccessful. Unhappy at her lack of chest swellings she sought expert advice from a top plastic surgeon.

The disagreement flared over the choice of implants. Amanda wanted to have the perky breasts of an eighteen year old pole dancer. Reminding Amanda that she was, in fact, nearer sixty than sixteen her surgeon suggested a pair of football socks with a tennis ball in each would be more appropriate for her age. After assaulting the surgeon and receptionist and causing thousands of pounds of damage the transsexual fled the scene.

The police have asked potential witnesses who may have seen a 6'4" man in a dress leaving Harley Street in a hurry to contact Sgt Stonewall from the LGBT division on 08000 223786. Sgt Stonewall is particularly interested in any information that helps to locate Amanda Holden-Bedd.

headline of the day

Source

finger on the pulse of modern culture

The Telegraph once again shows just how out of touch it really is




Paid models do not a 'flash mob' make.

bullies

A German schoolboy has been forced to pay his bullies €17,000 after a court ruled in their favour. One of the bullies, from the group aged between 11 and 12, spoke to us through an interpreter after their historic victory.

"Ya, he was such an asswipe" said one of the tormentors. "Always with the moaning and the whining and the complaints. Every single day it was something. There's only so much of that shit you can take."

"He had no idea of personal space. Kept on butting in to other people's private conversations, always boasting about things he claimed he'd done" he continued. "Like the time he said he'd had sex in a pornokino with the hottest girl from the local college. Clearly delusional. We managed to just ignore him for over a year but he refused to accept that we didn't like him or want him hanging around us."

Papers presented to the court listed a litany of harassment the group suffered at the hands of the boy before they finally snapped. Parties were ruined, sleepovers gatecrashed, indignities suffered by the group at the hands of this unpleasant individual. When he cyber-stalked the group across BookFace and Twatter they became increasingly upset and blocked him. He persisted and photoshopped himself into their group photos and uploaded the images to his own account.

The judge that presided over the case said in her summing up that as a child she too had been accused of bullying an obnoxious little shit who ignored all civil requests to leave her alone. She said, given that all other attempts had failed, a sizeable compensation payment to the plaintiffs should send the message that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable in civilised society.

too hot

I haven't sweated this much since the morning I woke up with a massive hangover in a strange hotel room sandwiched between Susan Boyle and Jo Brand .. .. ..

privates

BRITAIN. Land of Hope and Glory-holes. Where pregnant, waddling teenagers take up the full width of the pavement with their oversized triplet pushchairs, unaware that their rampant, perpetual humping has filled them to the brim with all manner of grotty infections.

Privates is a platform twin-stick shooter in which you lead a teeny-tiny gang of condom-hatted marines as they delve into peoples’ vaginas and bottoms and blast away at all manner of oozy, shouty monsters.


Visit Zombie Cow Studios for more information about this game that should be available for FREE this summer.

bark or fuck?

The NOTW is so *outraged* that it had to edit out the alleged rude word from the video it has of My Pal Scout. Which makes the word "bark" sound even more like the word "fuck".

anonymity

Ruth Hall, lead campaigner for pressure group Women Against the Anonymity of Innocent Men, has spoken out against government plans to grant anonymity to men accused of rape. Under the proposals only men who have been found guilty of rape by a court will be allowed to be named as a rapist.

"The feminist movement has known for a long time" said the WAAIM spokeswoman "that all men are rapists. Giving them anonymity just because a jury hasn't found them guilty yet is a huge waste of time and resources. Why bother waiting? They should all have the word rapist tattooed on there faces at birth."

"Women never ever ever lie to the police that they've been raped and in all cases the man is obviously guilty anyway" she continued "so we should be allowed to list all of the allegations against him as fact."

"If he was worried about the implications of being accused of this hideous crime he wouldn't be male in the first place."

dear don shenker

Don Shenker, chief executive of Alcohol Concern, the charity, said: “Tesco’s plans acknowledge that consumers themselves want supermarkets to tackle the cheap price of alcohol to reduce alcohol-related harm."

Source

Dear Don Shenker,

The message that you are trying to promote, that shoppers want to pay more money for the products that they buy, is ridiculous. One only needs to look at the rise of Tesco as a dominant player in the retail market to realise that this is, at best, a misguided assessment of the situation. And I'm being generous when I say that.

As a consumer I would not like to pay more for the items I purchase on the say-so of a government funded pressure group (*Note to Nick Clegg* - we could save over half a million quid a year by cutting out the payments to this shower of shit). The idea that I want to pay more for a drink is batshit crazy. It's ridiculous. It's fucking lunatic.

Which is why you and your co-conspirators will be out there for every media opportunity repeating this lie as much as possible. As anyone who studies the art of opinion manipulation knows if you tell the same lie over and over again then people might start believing it. If enough people are fooled into thinking that everyone supports this idea it creates a feeling of 'safety in numbers'. Except you and I both know that it's built on a lie. Your lie.

Pubs have been forced to raise their prices by, among other wonderful things the previous government instigated, changes to the alcohol duty. As many of them are independent they do not have the bulk purchasing power of the large supermarkets. As the pub prices have been forced up customers have turned to cheaper sources for their alcohol. Which is why Tesco and the other retailers have seen a marked rise in their alcohol sales. If the price of alcohol from these sources becomes more expensive people will look to other sources. Such as brewing their own. Or abroad. Or the black market.

The majority of alcohol consumption is not 'harmful' (what constitutes harmful these days? I notice that the amount keeps on being lowered), the majority of consumers do drink responsibly, and yet you want to financially hurt the majority by raising the price of drinking. The real losers will be the pubs, not the supermarkets, as people will have even less money to spend which is probably the same assessment that lead to Sir Terry Leahy support your vindictive campaign.

Consumers do not want to pay more for the things that they buy just as turkeys don't vote for Christmas. They might support raising prices for other consumers who are not them, but for themselves? No. And, Don, you know this but you continue to repeat your message which is why I think you are a total cunt.




Go fuck yourself



manwiddicombe

headline of the day

How could they? They look so, well, not blowy-up.

art fraud

A man has been arrested and charged after an investigation into the alleged sale of forgeries of works by a top britpop artist. The police have yet to release any details about the charges but it is believed that he attempted to sell more than one forged copy of the artwork I was a bit of a slapper from 1963 - 1995.

The alleged forgery (pictured above) was sold through a major London auction house who had no reason to question it's authenticity. When the artist saw media coverage of the event she was sure she noticed an anomaly and called in the police.

"I've never slept with anyone called Brian" said the artist "which is why the original piece doesn't include that name where this one clearly does. Oh. Hang on. There was that night in 1984 with that group of men behind the chalets at Butlins. One of them might have been called Brian. Or was it Ryan?"

the minister for communities gets in a pickle

today's just inbox

I should hope there's no sex Greg. Well, not on the first date anyway.

sarcasm detector

Scientists have devised an algorithm that is able to detect sarcasm in blocks of text. That was time well spent, wasn't it?

another phone call

legs up to her .. .. .. ?

Either the model has unnaturally long legs or .. .. .. found on page 4&5/64 of today's Metro e-edition.

you can't make this shit up

Pam Robson was walking her dog, Derik, in Houghton-le-Spring when it ran off to take a dump. She went over to where it had relieved itself and picked up what she thought was the result of his movements. Eagle eyed council wardens, one wearing a city council jerkin, were quick to spot that she had picked up crap left by another canine and instantly pounced and issued a £50 penalty ticket. After Mrs Robson contacted a solicitor the council decided

"that on this occasion the council will not be pursuing the non payment of the fixed penalty notice in the magistrates courts."

Not, you will notice, that the ticket should never have been issued in the first place and that they are cancelling it.

planning to drink makes you utterly stupid

A new alcohol charity has been formed to investigate the link between reduced intelligence and unopened containers of alcohol after two incidents in five days have left people needing emergency treatment. An incident earlier this week a man in Hove was attempting to make his own alcopop by melting Werther's Mints into a bottle of vodka he was heating on the hob in his kitchen was followed by two teenage girls being injured after they put a can of cider onto a camp fire.

Felicity Handwringer, the patron of newly formed DumBooze, claimed these incidents proved beyond doubt that government funding was required to investigate the link between packaged alcohol and reduced mental capacity.

"These incidents" she said "prove beyond doubt that the government should provide funding to investigate the link between packaged alcohol and reduced mental capacity. The link between alcohol consumption and injury is well documented but these two examples show just how dangerous alcohol can be before it is consumed."

"We will be conducting extensive testing of the theory that holding a sealed container of alcohol is as dangerous as actually opening and drinking the contents" continued Ms Handwringer. "Once we have conducted our research and published the impartial findings DumBooze will be calling on the government to implement badly constructed knee-jerk regulations to limit the opportunity for these increasingly frequent tragedies to occur."

It is expected that, following on from the example set by the anti-smoking lobby, DumBooze will label unopened containers as "fourth hand alcohol" and call for restrictive new regulations to prevent ordinary people from coming into contact with this dangerous substance.

Industry experts were quick to point out that staff in supermarkets who are employed to restock the shelves at night are entirely healthy, happy, well balanced and intelligent individuals which proves beyond doubt that the charges raised against packaged alcohol must be false. "Night-time supermarket shelf stackers are among the happiest, healthiest, most intelligent sector of the population" giggled the industry expert "which, erm, proves beyond doubt that their claim is entirely fictitious."

The charity DumBooze is to lobby health ministers for £3 million later this week so they can carry out their study.

job interview

just inbox

I think the expression I'm looking for is "go fuck yourself"

osborne sets first budget date

As we enter this new age of austerity, of higher taxes and lower public spending, of belt tightening and sock darning, it's nice to see that even those Toffs at the top are doing their bit to promote fiscal probity. Unlike the lavish receptions and opulent occasions that the previous government have become famous for George Osborne has opted for something a little more low key when the Minister of Economy for El Salvador comes to give him some basic tuition next week.

It would be bad form not to accompany his guest for an evening of entertainment after a hard day's work so, given the monetary constraints, the pair will be heading off to a greasy spoon cafe followed by a walk in the park. If the evening progresses in a certain way it is alleged that reservations have already been made at a nearby Travelodge.

If successful then budget dates will be rolled out across all government departments in an effort to claw back some of the massive deficit. Initial estimates suggest that as much as £100 million per year could be saved by scaling back the entertainment costs.

Union leaders have threatened to ballot their members over strike action if budget dates are made compulsory claiming that such a fundamental change to working conditions is intolerable. "Undermining the workers like this" said one shop steward "is all these bloody toffs know. We will be advising our members to vote for strike action to stop these outrageous proposals."

the eighteenth day of may

How long this stays up on youtube is anyone's guess because their record label are not shy in issuing DCMA take down notices. As it's not my upload I'm not worried. Please enjoy this wonderfully appropriate tune responsibly while you can and if you like it buy their album, also titled The Eighteenth Day of May, or go and see them perform live.

lifted?

wedding

Comic performer David Walliams married his model stone yesterday in a star studded ceremony. Anyone who is anyone, and many that aren't, attended the unusual ceremony in Claridge's Hotel in central London.

Many media observers have commented about the apparent flexibility of his sexual orientation and he hopes now, according to his spokesperson, to put all of that speculation behind him.

David wore a sequinned gold frock coat for the service while his bride looked stunning in her straw and cardboard outfit but even that could not hide the sadness that the absence of her sister Sharon caused.

Guests were treated to a lavish wedding breakfast after the couple had tied the knot in the world famous tea rooms or, if they preferred, had their photo taken by the pack of journalists waiting outside.

The happy couple used the occasion to announce that they are expecting a pebble sometime in the Autumn.

one member one vote

I think actually in the Labour Party contest, you can have more than one vote if you're a member of some of the different societies, so she could end up voting for both of us.

Ed Miliband talking to Andrew Marr 16th May 2010

conjoined twins

Groundbreaking surgery was carried out in London this week as previously seperated conjoined twins were reunited. Teams worked through the day in shifts to perform the mammoth 72 hour surgery to rejoin them. The lead surgeon read a statement to the waiting cluster of well wishers and journalists once the complicated procedure was completed.

Hello everyone. I have a short statement to read and then I must return to my patient. I'm sure you'll understand if I don't answer questions at this time.

The surgery went very smoothly and we have successfully re-joined Pettin. He is in post operation recovery now but all of his vital signs are good and we are expecting him to make a full recovery.

The family has asked that people respect their privacy at this delicate time.

Thank-you

Martin and Peter Fhaam began the long process of becoming re-conjoined nearly a decade ago after they found out that their scars were not the result of a childhood misadventure. They have endured a seemingly endless series of counselling sessions, medical examinations and legal battles before doctors reluctantly agreed to perform the surgery.

Martin has previously blamed the stress of the process for the breakdown of his marriage and subsequent messy divorce. Peter has also faced a traumatic journey as, at first, he failed to come to terms with the decision his parents made to separate them as newborn children. In a rare interview television interview his anger at his parents bubbled over and he smashed up the set while screaming "Bastards stole half of me!" over and over again.

Despite these minor setbacks the siblings managed to argue their case successfully in the highest court of the land who agreed that splitting them without their express consent had been tantamount to a crime against their person and that, observing all the usual caveats, addenda, waivers and re-conjoining was suitable reparation.

All that is left to do at this stage is wait and, if you are religious, pray that the operation was a success and that they recover from the surgery and begin their new life, not as Martin and Peter Fhaam, but returned to the state in which they were born, as Pettin Fhaam.

comedy gold

Do you think Andrew Hough was aiming for 22 carrots or 22 carat?

fakecharity loses funding

The WWNC is almost exclusively funded from the public purse. Their accounts ending 31 March 2009 show that of a total income of £107,324 (page 6)in the year £101,297 (page 9)came from the Welsh Government. Page 3 of their end of year report describes their Objectives and Activities as

The objectives of the charity are to make an impact on policies that affect women by listening to women, both in their organisations and individually through involvement with the Welsh Assembly Government and its policy formation

The BBC reports (complete with multiple grammatical errors) that the WWNC is an umbrella organisation that represents the interests of 50 other similar women's groups in Wales groups which have applied for, and received, a share of the fund that was allocated for special interest groups.

Stripping away an unnecessary layer of bureaucracy? Works for me.

light

Philips have unveiled a replacement for the 60W incandescent lamp. I don't care whether it saves energy or the environment I WANT ONE! The sheer aesthetic beauty of the product is enough for me.

protective

Cabinet members of the newly formed coalition government will be handed protective pants to prevent embarrassing accidents while being interviewed on TV.

Civil servants will be placed at every studio to hand the pants to the cabinet members before they go on air.

Dick Cleggeron ordered the measure after Newsnight production staff reported several embarrassing incidents after cabinet ministers went into freefall while being interviewed by Jeremy Paxman.

A spokesperson for the BBC said "We have had reports of several unfortunate incidents on Newsnight involving Ministers who were not prepared for the most probing part of an interview. Paxman doesn't pull any punches which can leave the interviewee feeling very nervous, so, in response, we have insisted that the government make protective underwear freely available in the hope it will make both the Ministers and our staff feel more secure.”

turnout?

The regular email from my local MP plopped into my inbox and it contained the breakdown of the results for the general election. If you add up the votes cast for each candidate they match the figure for the turnout. Which is probably what you would expect except I know for certain that on at least one ballot paper there was no preference marked.

Does anyone know why spoilt ballots are not recorded in the turnout figure or if they ever were? I did turn out, I did post a ballot paper, I did (rather creatively I feel) register my unhappiness at the current system. Why is my lack of vote not added to the total?


UPDATE: Courtesy of Simon Cooke in the comments comes this video



The returning officer clearly states at 3:08 ish that there were 48,507 votes (65.57% turnout) yet wikipedia and YouGov (links to the BBC) both record the turnout as 48,397 (65.4%). Any idea why the spoilt ballots are dropped from the totals reported and recorded in the records?

great company names

You're looking for replacement tyres for your car. Do you choose LETHAL AUTO DESIGN as your supplier?

spwned

Ex-celebrities gathered themselves and rushed to Cambridgeshire this week after a rumour circulated that there was an opportunity for positive media exposure. They are hoping that they too can an enjoy a revival of fortune similar to the brief ascendancy Rebecca Loos experienced after wanking a pig on the Channel 5 reality farm show.

For their moment in the spotlight they will be assisting trout to spawn, a task made particularly challenging by the location and also the size of their quarries. The Environment agency will be 'on hand' to assist them in their endeavours and to supply practical tips and guidance in the art of manual fish spawning techniques.

"The biggest hurdle that we've had to overcome" said one fading ex z-list 'starlet' "is trying to make our efforts look sexy. When Becca was tossing the pig young men watching that could imagine it was their cock in her hand but with a fish? A fish is not normally associated with blokes, is it?"

"I'm not doing this to become a lesbian icon, if you know what I mean" she continued while adjusting the postage stamp sized bikini that barely covered her nipples. "I'm hoping to be noticed by at least a Championship footballer, if not a player from a minor premiership team. I'm perfect WAG material - I just need greater exposure."

shaved for charity

I've stolen his entire post in full and reposted it here. I hope he doesn't mind.


I will be having my hair shaved to a grade 3, and my beard shaved off to raise money for Help For Heroes. I have not had a hair cut since 1993!

I will be having it done at 8 PM on Friday the 28th of May 2010 at the Talbot inn, High street Cuckfield Sussex.

There will also be an auction for who gets to cut the pony tail off on the night!

If you can't make it there, then you can donate via my just giving site here.

saving the rainforest

Lily Allen is backing a bid to save the rainforest. Apart from the bits that she personally doesn't like. Sorry Lily but it's an all or nothing sort of a situation.

optimism

I've just had a delivery from my veg supplier and I was chatting with the driver about the events of yesterday. I know he's normally a Tory supporter so I asked him what he thought about the coalition. He thought very briefly and then said that having two sets of ideas and inputs going into the decisions of government could only be a good thing.

This optimism is shared by the majority of people that I speak to and yet whenever the national media have interviews with the public the overwhelming response is of anger that the two parties are trying to work together to form a government. Lots of voters who chose to vote Lib Dem purely to stop the Conservatives have been disappointed by the coalition and are voicing their anger to the nation. Many of the ABC*'s are switching their support from the Lib Dems to the Labour Party. Good. If the Lib Dems supporters are there for positive reasons rather than negative ones it can only be good for them as a whole.

Me? I'm waiting to see what happens with policy before I decide. So far, on day one in office, it looks like the ID cards and ID card database have been scrapped and DNA retention of innocent people has been halted. A good start but there is more to be done. Overall though I think there's probably going to be plenty of opportunity for piss taking so I'm happy at the outcome.








*Anyone But Conservative

the first dick cleggeron press conference

Potentially a tricky question but the way that both the PM and the Deputy PM responded to it was excellent. It seems to suggest a great level of understanding between the two of them.

an open letter to david cameron

Where does Dan find the time?

the sun, page 3, today

I don't know about you but ever since we had a new Prime Minister there has been a distinct change to the amount of clothing worn by page 3 girls .. .. ..




And is it just me or is she up the duff?


;o)

personal tax allowance

The Guardian was 'liveblogging' the deal agreed on by the new coalition government last night and if it's correct, which we wont find out until later today, then I fear we will continue to have politics as usual. Why?

A substantial increase in the personal tax allowance from April 2011 with a focus on low and middle income earners, with a "long term goal" of a £10,000 personal tax allowance. There is no a timetable for this, but there is a promise to make further real term steps each year towards this objective. This is described as a "funded increase". It will be funded by taking the money the Tories had planned to use to increase the employee threshold for national insurance, and by an increase in capital gains tax for non business assets to bring it closer to the level of income tax.

For really low paid workers the majority of the money taken from them every payday is taken in the name of National Insurance. Raising the tax threshold but not the NI threshold will make little or no difference to a large number of them, or their employers. To really make a difference both thresholds need to be raised to take people out of the tax system entirely.

We'll have to wait and see but I'm not holding my breath .. .. ..

that call from America

[click for biggerness]

three into two?

For years political programs would invite the government minister and their opposing shadow minister to discuss the finer points of a given issue. The rise in prominence of the Lib Dems changed that dynamic from bi-partisan to tri-partisan. Three way conversations, three different inputs, three different angles, three sets of ideas and solutions.

That might have just changed with the decision by the Lib Dems to accept the offer of a formal coalition. I don't see a way for a Lib Dem and Tory representative to be discussing a topic with a Labour representative. The idea of having two members of the party of government arguing against a solitary member of the opposition is hardly likely to be countenanced by Mad Hattie and, if I'm honest, Dick Cleggeron is also unlikely to give Paxman the opportunity to pick at divisions between members of the new coalition.

I've joked about the #bbcqt question a few times but, in all seriousness, what happens next? If Lib Dems and Tories act independently of each other the opportunity for the coalition to unravel occurs a lot sooner. If they don't then one of the parties will have to stand aside in deference to the other at the next general election or they will fully merge to become one new party.

Interesting times indeed.

music for a Tuesday evening

If Gordon does resign tonight I will be humming the chorus throughout his speech. Apart from when I'm laughing.

thanks

fading memories

For years newly-wed wives have struggled with storage solutions for their wedding dress. Many young couples, blessed with strong love for each other but not a great deal of living space, resort to packing the dress away in a box under their bed which will eventually move into a loft space once they can afford a house. Some entertain the illusion that, in the event of them having female children, their daughters may want to wear the dress and it will be passed down the female side of the family.

Scientists have, according to the Telegraph, come up with a solution for this storage issue. Specially designed fibres in a brand new range of dresses contain polyvinyl alcohol, a biodegradable compound that will cause the material to dissolve on contact with water.

"It's a simple, elegant, environmentally friendly, solution" said the creator of the dresses "to the problem of how to store a wedding dress after your wedding. Our solution means no bulky storage boxes and no dry cleaning bills."

"Our recently completed Beta testing phase was very useful and, because of it, we have now made a few adjustments to the package we offer to brides. Each dress now comes with a matching umbrella and a plastic cover slip, a portable hand drying machine and two bright yellow signs warning of the potential impropriety if a single drop of moisture touches the fabric."


The new dresses are available from today from all major wedding fairs.

post election thoughts

Dear Lib Dems,

I think I've worked out why your polling figures and results don't tally. The majority of the people in this country are very conservative (that's a small 'c') about declaring their voting intentions, a figure that grows as you move through higher age demographics. Younger people are far more inclined to shout about and share their voting intentions but they are a minority of the electorate.

My daughter (11) thinks that she'd support Nick Clegg because "he seemed the most natural and honest in the debates". I, on the other hand, looked at the broader picture of how he has conducted himself in politics over the last parliament and made the decision that he was little different from Brown or Cameron.

So there is your problem. Lots of support from the noisy younger generation but lots of cynicism from the older generation which, because of its greater size, has more electoral clout.

I've heard it argued that the electoral system is rigged against you, that you need to get get more votes to get a seat, which is why the voting system needs to be reformed to make it fairer. What you really mean is you want it to be fairer for you.

But you knew the rules when you started playing the game so why are you complaining about it? You faced the same hurdles as the other political parties from Labour to UKIP but, rather than growing your support and winning more seats that way, you bitch and moan and claim "it's not fair".

And now, with the negotiations developing about the new government, you've shown yourselves to be as I thought. Secret meetings with one party while you are openly discussing with another? How is that 'new politics'? You are as craven and power hungry as the other parties and you should be ashamed of yourselves for the deceit you have foisted on the nation.

You want to change the voting system so that we have little choice but to endure this kind of scenario after every general election? Thanks but no thanks. In fact, I'd go further than that. Fuck you. With a big stick. Sideways. I hope your duplicitous manoeuvrings are exposed in full and the electorate punishes you heavily at the inevitable general election within the next 12 months.

I've no particular love for the Tories but I will vote for them, and encourage everyone I know to vote for them too, if your actions leave Gordon Brown as PM for one more day than is absolutely necessary. For all your positive words you are no different from the other parties and I'd rather have a more predictable government than any that I think you could provide.


Yours unsurprised,

manwiddicombe

I don't remember a thing

Lib-Con negotiations stall

Talks between David Cameron and Nick Clegg have broken down this afternoon, much to the shock of pundits and journalists. Most of the major hurdles, voting reform, taxation, education, and immigration, had been overcome and both parties were heading confidently towards a formal coalition for stable government.

Then the question of BBC Question Time was raised.

Both leaders agreed that if they were going to jointly form the government then it would be 'unfair' to have two seats around the table on a Thursday evening but the question of how to allocate representatives from both parties have lead to difficulties. The Tories are adamant that they should have 6 out of every 7 weeks while the Lib Dems are holding out for alternating appearances on the show.

Meanwhile we have learned that when Gordon Brown tried to derail the negotiations he offered to arrange a permanent seat on the panel for Sarah Teather in exchange for replacing Dimbleby with Charlie Whelan. We have to assume from the angry outburst reported from the leader of the Labour party that this was turned down.

Both teams have returned to their respective parties to discuss their options and to see if there are any suggestions to move the negotiations forward. Senior Tories are looking at the idea of arranging for Lembit Opik to be the showbiz correspondent for the This Week show, now that he is no longer required to attend parliament, as a way of resolving the impasse.

An announcement is expected soon

thoughts from a monday morning

I've not stopped this morning trying get things sorted at work and I've had Radio5 as a constant companion. There is only one topic of conversation and, listening to the coverage a few thoughts spring to mind.

1. I've lost track of the number of times I've heard a variation of the line "52% of people voted for the LibLab parties". Can someone show me where that option was on my ballot paper? I've looked and looked but all I can see is the option to vote for individuals who belong to specific political parties.

2. I've heard over and over in the media people saying they voted tactically, choosing to vote for the Lib Dems in an attempt to stop the Tories winning, but I've yet to hear a single person say they voted tactically to get Labour out.

3. Labour would struggle to accommodate a change to the voting system as much as the Tories would. I've heard at least 3 Labour backbench MPs defend FPTP so the idea that the Labour Party would be happy changing the electoral process is not as concrete as some would have us believe.

schemes and plans

I read elsewhere that it might be possible for the Lib Dems to do a deal with Labour if Gordon stood down as leader of the party, but not as Prime Minister, in favour of Harriet until a new leader, and PM, can be elected. I'm not sure that would be such a good idea.

negotiations continue

will the crisis precipitate a new host?

gameshow in turmoil

The future of a new ITV gameshow was plunged into doubt last night after tensions erupted between the contestants over the results of the audience vote. Officials are working through the night to try to ensure that the show will be able to broadcast the next episode, due to be aired on the 18th of May 2010.

Fucking the Electorate, the latest Saturday night show to be produced by Lord Spent Enema, is a mix of popularity contest and memory test where the contestants are put through their paces in front of a live television audience. The public then get to vote on which act they want to put through to the following show based on their performance.

The result of this week's show has been plunged into doubt after none of the contestants managed to achieve the required backing of the audience to secure their passage through to the next show. Claims that people were unable to register their support for the contestants because the phone lines closed too early have been reported by most of the news channels. "I nipped out to make a cup of tea in the advert break" said one obviously distressed woman "and then my daughter was using the phone. By the time I'd got her to end her call the lines were closed. I feel totally disenfranchised by not having left myself enough time to vote."

Furious scenes erupted across the country. Angry viewers claimed that the performer with the largest share of the vote should not go through because more people had not voted for him as talk of a potential alliance between two of the top three scoring contestants emerged. The dynamic of the split of votes is such that the first and third placed could pool their votes and proceed, or the second, third, fourth, and fifth placed contestants could gang up to expel the man who received the highest share of public support.

Critics of the 'winner takes all' voting system have gathered in demonstration. They claim that the a new voting system would be fairer on anyone who bothers to pick up the phone. Instead of only one phone line there would be n-1 lines (where n= the total number of acts that week) per act. Each line would be designated with the second choice so that if any of the acts failed to gain the required support to proceed the lowest scoring performers would be eliminated and the second choices of those votes for the disqualified entrants would be counted. This, claim the proponents of the system, would ensure fairness was hardwired into the process.

ITV bosses have sent negotiating squads to the hotel of each of the contenders in an attempt to resolve the dispute, hopefully before 7am on Monday. They really don't care how the impasse is resolved because, ultimately, it makes good television and that's the whole point, isn't it?

quotes from a thin book

Faced with a delicate situation as negotiations begin two of your rivals that may lead to the end of your career many men would tiptoe around and try to sweet-talk the weaker of the two around to their way of thinking. Well I say no to that! Phone the snivelling bastard up and give him both barrels. Explain to him exactly what a stupid idea it would be forming an understanding with your rival for his attention. Only then will he see you for the leader that you truly are.

Knock knock .. .. ..

Knock Knock



Who's there?



David Cameron



David Cameron who?




Look Gordon you lost the election,
you're no longer the Prime minister,
it's time for you to leave number 10.

voting problems

Rumours are reaching me that some registered voters in Haywards Heath were turned away from the polling station and not allowed to vote.


Apparently 3 pages of the electoral lists were missed out from the copy given to the staff manning the ballot ......

decisions

Two stories that have caught my attention from the results today about ways to determine the outcome of an election.

In Great Yarmouth the Conservative and Labour candidates both received 1034 votes so, after 3 recounts, a deck of cards was produced and the candidates drew cards to see who won the seat.

In Bristol Labour and Conservative parties both polled 1878 votes so, again after 3 recounts, a decider was proposed in the form of a lucky dip.

In both wards the Labour candidate was successful.


I find the actions of both Returning Officers to be quaintly British and I thoroughly approve of their novel solutions to their dilemmas.

is it just me? or ....

are all the news channels describing the result of the general election as

a failure of the Tories to win enough seats in the election

rather than

the Labour Party comprehensively lost the election

It's almost as if they are trying to scupper the attempt of the largest parliamentary party to form a government, hoping that the previous administration can somehow stitch together a deal to hang on to power.

heartbreak

The dreams of Fulham FC fans that their team might lift the Europa cup are in tatters this evening after the beaten semi-finalists ganged together and declared themselves the winner of the trophy. Under an obscure sub-section of FIFA rules the holders of the trophy may, provided they have reached the semi-finals of the competition, seek to form an alliance with the other beaten semi-finalist and lay claim to the trophy without actually having to win the final game.

Fierce negotiations are continuing through the night behind closed doors to try to resolve the impasse. More news is expected in the morning.

I solemnly promise.. .. ..

If Nick Clegg accepts a coalition with the Labour Party and Gordon Brown remains the Prime Minister I solemnly promise that I will vote Conservative at the next general election.


I will, naturally, provide proof.

the sun, page 49

Great advert.

was i wrong?

I said it would never happen. Who knows now? A Lib-Con arrangement would give Clegg a tilt at being part of a more stable majority government.

iDave and samcam

Photographs have been released of the happy couple leaving the specialist centre where their unborn child was conceived

'results' programs

Sky said: Lab 3 Con 0 Lib Dem 1 Other 0



ITV said: Lab 5 Con 0 Lib Dem 0 Other 3



BBC said: Lab 3 Con 0 lib Dem 0




Three photos taken in that order from 3 channels reporting the 'results' of the election. You pay your money, you take your chance. How the fuck there are three separate results being reported on the channels is anyone's guess.

queues

It seems that being open for 15 hours today was not enough for some people to cast their vote. If the polls had been open for a week there would still be people who didn't get time to vote because they closed too early. There is a cutoff point and if you want your vote to count it has to be cast before that.

Fuckwits.

liveblogging 6th May

10:12pm - coveritlive seems to be slightly fucked at the moment ....

10:25pm - fuck it. Still down

I feel slightly sick

cameron rallies the troops via email

[click for larger]

bending the rules

The phone lines are burning red hot in Labour HQ as they desperately try to top the media stunt by Nigel Farage*. Tradition dictates that broadcast media are not allowed to discuss the election on voting day until after the polls shut at 10pm.

"All this talk about UKIP might give them, and especially Farage, the sympathy vote" said one senior member of the Labour campaign team. "We cannot allow the Conservatives to lose the Buckingham constituency to UKIP but, more importantly, if we can top that we might stand a chance today."

"Right now our preferred option is for Ed Balls to be permanently disfigured after an encounter with some UAF thugs. It will gain the rest of the party extra votes and no-one will be able to tell the difference once the bandages come off. To be honest he's the most expendable as we think he's going to lose his seat today anyway."

Other options are being explored but time is running out if they too are to beat the embargo on political reporting before 10pm today.




* Get well soon Nigel (and your pilot). There aren't enough entertaining characters in politics.

I haz voted (general election)

I haz voted (local)

begging

off to vote

voting card? - check
black marker pen? - check
pink crayon? - check
my best "fuck off and die" look for the tellers outside? - check

Right that's me ready to cast my vote! I'll upload the artwork later .. .. ..

virgin voters

Crank up the volume, sit back, and enjoy four minutes of absolute comedy gold from Jasper Carrott. There is nothing to see, just listen and enjoy.




Happy voting day.

blown away

thursday night gordaway

election night liveblog

It's almost here...the night that should see only the second change of a ruling party in the UK since 1979.

We'll be hosting another LiveBlog; this time starting when the polls close at 10pm and finishing when the last Moderator expires from alcohol poisoning in the early (or not so early) hours of the morning.

Will Balls get castrated? Will Mandelson tell another journalist that they aren't standing for election? Will Gordon finally fuck the fucking fuck off?

This mega Election Night 10 blog 'chat' collaboration will be hosted by All Seeing Eye, Barking Spider, Biased-BBC, Corrugated Soundbite, Dick Puddlecote, Governmentitus, GrumpyOldTwat, Subrosa and The Red Rag, - all excellent and highly recommended blogs. Check 'em out! Join us for a night of high drama and hilarity tomorrow night at 10.00pm, as soon as the polls close.

I'm just saying is all

Tactical voting? Anyone but the Tories? That must mean .. ..





I don't care who you vote for. I don't care if you've said you'll vote for one party then, in the booth, vote for an entirely different one. I really don't give a shit. It's between you, your conscience, and your ballot paper but the only party that might prop up this Brown government are the Lib Dems.

Election Rap

Dan dropped a link to his video in my inbox and it would be rude of me if I didn't share it with you. Enjoy!




(Yes that Dan Bull)

tactical voting

The last time I remember the issue of tactical voting seriously raising its head was in 1997 when there was a desire to clean up politics, throw out the Tory government of the day, end sleaze and corruption and start afresh.

So why on earth is there so much talk about using tactical voting to keep the current shower of shit in work?

definitely not a freudian slip. Oh no.

is this how bad crime is in my area?

I thought bins were bolted down?