saturday night with the kids

Over a year ago I wrote some fairly dark posts about my journey across the abyss. At the time that I wrote them I didn't realise that my guide was lying to me constantly about the state of the bridge I was traversing. Sadly, when someone external shone a spotlight down into the pit, more of the deception was exposed. The lies continue even today but I'm no longer bothered by them in the same way. It's as if the truth is something she's afraid to confront (e.g. Both her and the Angel of Death are smokers but adamantly insist to each other that they are not).

The divorce is in motion. Apparently I've been behaving unreasonably and that's why she wants a divorce and it's got absolutely nothing to do with the friend of ours (who came to me and cried on my shoulder about 5 years ago when he found out his wife wanted a divorce because she was having an affair) that she's been sleeping with for the last 30 months, often while I was out working 15 hour days on a broken ankle to pay off our debts and keep the roof over our heads. Part of me wishes him good luck because his current girlfriend clearly has no problem with sleeping around behind her partner's back while he's out working ........

At the moment I'm still living in the marital home (me, her and the kids. He's not stupid enough to come within sight of me). Luckily it has enough rooms so we each have our own space. That's about to change as she has demanded that we sell up as she cannot afford to continue paying half of the bills. I'm excited about having my own space, getting my life back, having freedom again. Of course this will be wrong in her eyes when she finds out (everything I do is wrong in her eyes) but I just don't care. All that matters to me now is the kids.

The kids and I have some great times together though and I feel closer to my daughter than I have done for years. I think that the removal of their mother from the equation, even though it's only the alternate weekends she offered in the petition, has allowed us to strengthen the bonds that tie us. The boys ..... well ..... contrary to what their mother believes we've always had strong emotional ties.

This weekend is a perfect example of that. While we sat playing cards, hoping that the clouds would break so we could go out to a dark spot and watch the Perseid shower, we noticed that the weekly planner (bought, like so many things, by their mother then used for about 3 weeks before being forgotten) was woefully out of date. What started as a few minor alterations ended with a full-scale vandalisation of the board. By them. Our collective relationship, me and the kids, is so much easier, so less stressful, without their mother around. It's as if we can just be ourselves without her there. It's weird that it feels like she was such a negative influence around us but that's exactly how it feels.

I've looked back through the drafts that I wrote over the last year detailing how I felt about the situation and all of them were really dark and depressing. Now, finally, I'm coming through the worst of it and feel so much more positive about the whole thing. It's as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breathe again. Sure I'm still bitter at the betrayal they committed but fuck 'em, they deserve each other. Someone asked me this week would I ever go back to her if she changed her mind and I didn't even have to think before I said "No".


The future? Bring it on!!