Monday, October 15, 2012

anniversary message*

Those of you that have been reading these ramblings for a while will know a little more than you might want to about my personal situation. Back in May of this year we sat down with a Family Mediator to discuss the financial aspect of the divorce and reached a settlement that we both agreed on. For some reason my wife has ignored her solicitor ever since therefore holding up the divorce proceedings. Hopefully the text I sent her this morning will get things moving again.



*18 years ago today

11 comments:

Single Acts of Tyranny said...

I've never before posted on your blog (that I recall anyway) but I read it often.

I sympathise with your situation being in a similar but different one. But if I know one thing about women it's this. Threats just wind 'em up. If she hasn't signed it's because she is scared. So don't threaten 'em. hold their hand through the process. Less cathartic maybe, but more rapid progress to the objective.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. I'm female. My first husband and I actually had what is called an amicable divorce, after 13 years and a child involved. It was DIY. We had to send a folder back and forth which one of us had written D.I.V.O.R.C.E on.
After all these years, and happy second marriages for us both, we are still friends. But it took a long time.
Best of luck.Time does heal.
I'll call myself "Rosemary" for id purposes.

manwiddicombe said...

Hi SAoT, "Rosemary", I'm afraid hand holding and friendship are not on the cards. She has decided that I'm a complete monster (I think she's wrong but ..... ) and so it's unlikely. As an example of her mentality she told the kids not to arrange to meet up with me without her knowing about it because "he might kidnap you"!!! Erm ... no ..... but I might buy them lunch, let them tell me what's worrying them, help them with their homework or just hang out ......

I just want the process finished now so I can get some proper closure and move on with the good stuff currently in my life (before you think it not another woman) but I can't do that without her seeing through what she started. Oh the irony of that!!!

Single Acts of Tyranny said...

I do sympathise and it's a road I may have to travel at some point, so I really can feel your pain. My bet is that the lashing out and the stupid comments are really just a reflection of the fact that deep down, she knows she is wrong and may have massively fucked-up. Rather than confront the unfortunate reality, she is lashing out to provoke conflict. A lot of 'em do it because it's easier than calm self-reflection.

This sounds trite but I find telling Mrs SAoT she looks pretty or some such nonsense is more effective than hours of calm reasoned argument. Indeed, as I am sure you would agree, using logic with them is like wearing a kevlar vest and hoping it will protect you from chicken pox.

Pete said...

I detect a woman with an underlying personality disorder... Get out as unscathed and fast as you possibly can.

Pete said...

I detect a woman with an underlying personality disorder... Get out as unscathed and fast as you possibly can.

ReefKnot said...

Some women think logic is some kind of male conspiracy. Fact is, women have their own logic which happens to be different from a man's and which is based on a different set of priorities.
I find they often don't want their problems solved - what they want is sympathy. But then I'm probably just a chauvinist

ReefKnot said...

Some women think logic is some kind of male conspiracy. Fact is, women have their own logic which happens to be different from a man's and which is based on a different set of priorities.
I find they often don't want their problems solved - what they want is sympathy. But then I'm probably just a chauvinist

Robert the Biker said...

If a man makes a comment in the middle of a forest, with no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Anonymous said...

As a ‘paying for the rest of my life’ member of the divorced club, I feel qualified to offer the following insights into the process.

There is a fine line between love and hate. Possibly why the most intense relationships produce the most bitter divorce?

Your solicitor - do not blindly follow their advice. Research and question everything, make him/her work for the massive amount of money they will take. If you don’t warm to your solicitor, nor will the judge. Don’t use a solicitor with a speech impediment - you are paying them to speak for you!

In general for a man there are two aspects of the divorce. One is the emotional side, the legal detachment, the divorce. This is, in the great scheme of things, fairly trivial. The important thing is the custody and financial settlement, the logical bit, which must be approved by a judge. Clean break is best!

For a woman it is all emotional. It is vital to understand this from the start. The complete destruction of everything built up during the marriage is more important than a sensible ‘we can both come out of this with something’ result. You have to pay no matter who is at fault.

This doesn’t apply to all divorcing couples, but it is a good basis to work from. The other point missed by many is that divorce is not the end. Without the court approved financial settlement either ex partner can come for that settlement at any time in their lives! If twenty years later you win a couple of million on the lottery, set a lump of it aside for your ex - he or she can come for it. If you cohabit or remarry the assets of that relationship will be included. You may be divorced but financially you are still married.

Divorce takes over your life for sometimes years. It consumes every waking minute. The anticlimax when it is over should not be underestimated. It is worth the effort though.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Ah, divorce - from the latin, meaning "to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet"